Ds wants his dad to visit him but Dh isn’t comfortable

[heartmyheart]

Ds is 20 and has never been particularly close to his dad, a lot of this is due to distance but in 20 years he’s only seen his dad a dozen times but they do chat on the phone.
His dad has another family now and has found it difficult to spend time with him.
However his dad has said he’d now like to come and visit him and ds has agreed.
Ds would like him to come over and see his house and where he lives and spend time with him here but Dh is saying he doesn’t want him to come in and that Ds is old enough to meet him somewhere without him needing to come over which would be uncomfortable for him.

On the other hand this is also Ds home and he wants his dad to come and visit so I am torn while I see both sides I don’t want to make Dh feel uncomfortable in his own home but I also don’t want Ds not to feel he can have his dad to visit in his home especially as he’s never come to see him before and he’s exited that he’s making the effort as it’s only ever been ds going to visit his dad until now.
I feel torn as it’s all of our home and everyone should have a say in who comes here.

I am also surprised so many PP think DH should ‘grow up’ personally I think the 20 year old man needs to grow up and meet his Dad outside of the house somewhere neutral if he wants a relationship with him.

Ds had just quite matter of fact said “my dad is coming to visit on bla bla day and so I told Dh and he equally as matter of fact said “well he’s not coming here…

Is there not a nice pub or restaurant nearby?

I don't think your DH is being unreaonable not wanting your ex in the house - but nor DS wanting to see his distant dad somewhere comfortable isn't unreasonable.

A neutral location is probably going to be easier for everyone - food drink toilets parking- at 20 it is not really necessary for the ex to see his DS bedroom or where he lives.

In the social areas downstairs in our house I have people I don't know well or somecase actually like - but I'd be miffed if they went upstairs to our bedroom and don't really like them using upstairs family bathroom as there's a perfectly good one downstairs. It's how I feel and that were my boundary is - clearly your DH has one that starts at his front door.

Sorry if ive missed it, but does he not want to come over because its your ex (which is childish) or does he not want him to come over because your ex has been a shit absent father and it would make DH feel awkward in his own home having to play nice to a man who abandoned his son? (Which is fair enough)

Why? It’s his house too. The “h” can go out if he doesn't want to meet him. What does he think’s going to happen?

DH is the adult and needs to do what is uncomfortable for him. None of this is your son's fault.

Why should the DH be forced out his home to facilitate a basic stranger coming round when DS could easily meet him outside the home in a cafe or pub or even a park.

He’s 20. It’s his home but it’s not his house. DH has brought DS up as his own and helped provide him with that home, because basically OP’s ex managed to put multiple obstacles in the way of stepping up and being a proper father. Why the hell should DH accept this man coming into his home against his wishes and basically have his nose rubbed in the fact that he is not biologically DS’s dad, even though to all intents and purposes he’s been the parent ?

At 20 DS should realise how this will make DH feel and if he doesn’t, then it should be explained to him so that he can make alternative arrangements to meet, until such time as DH is ready to accept the ex into his home. If ever.

I think a 20 year old is entitled to invite whoever he wants to visit him in his own house.

It’s not his house though is it…..
It’s OP’s and her DHs house who are the ones who own it/pay the mortgage etc DS lives there till he is old enough to move out - he doesn’t get to dictate who comes round without consulting them. He can ask and in this cause the answer is no so he can meet his deadbeat Dad elsewhere.

It’s not his house, it’s the home OP’s DH has helped to provide for him. DH is entitled to a say in who comes into it if it makes him uncomfortable. Especially when it’s the man who seemingly made every excuse in the book for dodging all responsibility for bringing up the son DH helped to raise. Talk about rubbing your nose in it.

What strikes me here is that the ex hasn’t had his son to his house for years as he has a new family and it is “difficult”. Well you have a new family and having him to your house is causing difficulties so both ex and your son should understand that. I do get that your son may be anxious so I think the compromise should be ex picks son up from home, and they then go for a coffee or something. I would not be suggesting your husband leaves the house as I think that would cause even more bad feeling. At 20 I am assuming your son is paying a nominal amount of “board” and not contributing to the mortgage and all bills in the same way husband is.

In what way is the DH not acting like an adult?

Perhaps the deadbeat could act like an adult, and invite his son over to his home?

Sounds like the shit father wants to visit his 20 yo son at your house. Is this correct? I wouldn’t allow it either. If he wants to see his son it should be at his house or outside. You don’t owe access to your space to a loser piece of shit who has suddenly remembered he has a son.

My first instinct was no, not in the house. A neutral venue would be so much better. If that works out OK, then maybe a visit to the house would work in the future. But not this time.

I can't think how his Dad would be comfortable meeting in your house anyway. Surely it is his son he wants to see, or is he nosey about your set up?

Again neutral venue would be best.

Team DH here.

It looks like your DH has largely been the father figure who helped raise your DS. I presume he has barely (or never) met your ex and they are strangers to one another.

I would NOT want a total stranger being allowed to just turn up at my house regardless of whose biological parent they might be. I also presume your ex is an ex for good reason.

I think that your DS would be better off meeting his bio dad on neutral territory - a coffee shop, a pub lunch etc. I also think that you should be backing your DH here and presenting a united front to your DS, who I think has been very presumptuous and rude here and at 20 should really know much better.

Explain that it would really be very uncomfortable and intrusive to have your ex visiting the home that you and DH have created and that it is a none starter. They meet in town for coffee or a pub lunch for the first few months. If in time the meetings go well then maybe all of you could consider further options, but really, none of this has to be at your house.

I understand that your DS is excited/nervous about seeing his bio dad after such a long time, and that is what is driving this, but both of you should still be being considerate of your DH's feelings.

I'm honestly surprised that you yourself seem so apparently at ease with having your ex coming to cast his eye over your home too. I wouldn't be, no matter how long ago it was.

Well…no. Because its not the OP asking to let her ex visit. Its the child of a neglectful parent asking to let that person visit intheir home/safe space. If I were a fucking grown up man or woman and step parent to that child I would absolutely tolerate it for the sake of the child. I would have no thought of sexual jealousy or concern about exes meeting.

After 20 years of not giving a shit WHERE his son slept or who paid for it I think the dad can make an effort and take his son out to a nice restaurant and pay for a meal for him! No he doesn’t get just to nosy into your house and your life without putting 20 years of effort in! Your dh has the right idea!

I think DS is probably nervous and secretly wants you there at first, but is embarrassed to say so and quite possibly doesn't want to upset your DH either.
I had a similar experience at 17 and I was so pleased my parents supported me.
Think about doing it for DS, even if it's just a quick 10 minutes.

But the point isn't the ex wants to come. The point is the son wants his biological father to come to his home. And that's the key thing.

Not what the ex wants
Not what the husband wants
What the son wants

Personally I'd be putting my (adult) kid first

DS is old enough to understand why the man who stepped up and was a father to him would have a problem with the man who abdicated that responsibility coming into his home and wanting to resume a relationship with his DS, now that all the hard work and expense of providing for him is done with. If he doesn’t, someone should explain ‘rubbing one’s nose in it’ to him and ask him to meet ‘dad’ elsewhere. It’s not a question of being the ‘adult’, it’s about basic respect.

I can understand your husbands reaction. He’s obviously spend many years raising a child that isn’t his own and having to pick up the pieces for him having a shitty absent Dad and now all of a sudden you want to let this man into your personal space.

Your son isn’t 8 and needing supervision, he’s a grown adult. There isn’t really any need for your ex to come and inspect your home and your son doesn’t need to “show him where he lives” like a young child showing off their toys in their bedroom.

^^ this.

The DH can just go out for the day if he doesn't want to see the ex.

The OP can go out for the day or just hang out in a different room or whatever.

Also why is it assumed it will be “for the day?” Surely they will meet at the house and then go out? Its perfectly reasonable to say to ds “of course your dad can come puck you up here but we are not hosting him or offering cups of tea because he has not been generous to you in the past.”

I see where you are coming from. It’s impressively poor and lazy parenting by the father

Did you miss the part where the child is a 20 year old man…..

Why an earth would you jump to the conclusion of sexual jealousy. I think that says more about you than any sane person viewing this from on outside point of view.

I would imagine it’s about respect and principle that this man is basically a stranger and hasn’t been arsed with his DS for 20 years so why should a visit be facilitated in OP and DHs home if one of them isn’t feeling comfortable about it (which I completely understand why!)