Ds wants his dad to visit him but Dh isn’t comfortable

[heartmyheart]

Ds is 20 and has never been particularly close to his dad, a lot of this is due to distance but in 20 years he’s only seen his dad a dozen times but they do chat on the phone.
His dad has another family now and has found it difficult to spend time with him.
However his dad has said he’d now like to come and visit him and ds has agreed.
Ds would like him to come over and see his house and where he lives and spend time with him here but Dh is saying he doesn’t want him to come in and that Ds is old enough to meet him somewhere without him needing to come over which would be uncomfortable for him.

On the other hand this is also Ds home and he wants his dad to come and visit so I am torn while I see both sides I don’t want to make Dh feel uncomfortable in his own home but I also don’t want Ds not to feel he can have his dad to visit in his home especially as he’s never come to see him before and he’s exited that he’s making the effort as it’s only ever been ds going to visit his dad until now.
I feel torn as it’s all of our home and everyone should have a say in who comes here.

Tell your son you aren't keen on having your ex in your property, the men can easily meet up literally anywhere else. There's no reason for the loser to be in your house.

Your son hasn’t had it easy having an absent shitty dad. If he wants to have him for a coffee at home, let him do the hosting. You and Dh go out for the day. Ask him to make sure they keep to public areas, downstairs and garden, not going up to bedrooms out of respect for you. Come home once he’s left.

I don’t personally have any strong opinions either way but I can see why Dh would find it awkward.
I can’t even picture him as it’s been 20 years but I also see why Ds would assume here is somewhere to bring him as this is his home and he is driving a long way to come and see him and there will be no guarantee of nice weather to just go out for hours.
Ds had just quite matter of fact said “my dad is coming to visit on bla bla day and so I told Dh and he equally as matter of fact said “well he’s not coming here…
So feeling a bit torn.

I think the DH's issue is maybe not the OP and her ex, but the son and the ex. If DH has been a significant father figure to him, he's perhaps worried that the ex (the bio dad) is going to swan in and expect to be greeted as a hero, and more to the point that the DS will treat him as such.

I can’t understand which way the voting works but I’m on your husbands side. I would be more sympathetic if your DS was a child but he isn’t. I would feel very uncomfortable if I was your husband and it’s his house too.

I’m astonished by those who say your DH needs to grow up - this is his home, and not somewhere that a deadbeat loser of an ex can come to visit after twenty years just because he thinks he will, and has persuaded his son to ask him round. DS can meet his DF out of the house. If his father wants to know what the house is like, (why???) tell DS to make a video for him.

I think there should be a middle ground. You and your DH go out. Your Ds has his dad over for a coffee (and, Ds needs to be 100% clear that if showing his dad round, he excludes areas like your bedroom or bathroom or study or whatever private spaces you have) then they head out to do whatever it is that they want to do - a meal, a football game, a gym session or whatever. It's not unreasonable for you and your Dh not to want your ex in your home at length, butyour DS is an adult and while it's still your home, it's also his home.

People saying your husband needs to grow up when actually it’s the DS that needs to grow up here. He isn’t 4, he doesn’t need to show off his room to his barely present dad. He can make arrangements to see his dad literally anywhere in between your house and his dad’s. It absolutely does not need to be your family home that you share with your husband and son. No fucking way would I agree to that if I were in your position never mind from your husband’s POV.

Even if that’s the case though, OPs husband shouldn’t stand in the way of a relationship OPs son wants to have with his dad.

OP, as you’re not bothered if he visits, I think your husband needs to just deal with it OP, let him visit and see how it goes. He should be secure enough to do that as it’s your son’s home too.

Team dh here. Your ds isn't 5. He doesn't need to show his daddy his bedroom...

Agreed. If the OP has no issue with her deadbeat ex coming to the house, then I think her husband needs to get over whatever male territorial pissing contest is going on in his head. They guy isn't moving in. He probably won't be there for long. It matters to the OP's DS.

If you were talking about an 8 year old, I would understand.

But your DS is 20 and he wants to know his daddy his bedroom?

FGS no

What are your DH's reasons for not wanting DS's father to visit the house? If there's some backstory like he was abusive to you and/or DS and your DH has seen the aftermath of that, then I see his point but I think that if you and DS both feel OK with him coming that carries a little more weight. Or do your DH and your ex have separate bad personal history between them? Ex would have to have done something pretty horrible before I'd agree that he be banned from the house if DS wants to invite him.

I do think it's reasonable to ask DS to specify a specific time frame for him to come (and leave) so that anyone who wants to be absent in order to avoid seeing him can easily do so.

Ds had just quite matter of fact said “my dad is coming to visit on bla bla day and so I told Dh and he equally as matter of fact said “well he’s not coming here…

at 20, ds sounds rude and thoughtless

my response would be exactly the same as your husband

Team dh

I don't think you need to get in the middle of this. Your son is an adult and can discuss this with your husband.

Your DS and DH…. Don’t get on do they?

I reckon DS, who isn’t even close to his dad, is suggesting he wants to show daddy his bedroom just to piss off your husband

I think this is great advice. It sounds like your DS is desperately wanting to know his dad, but given his dad’s record I would want to subtly protect my son as this could really impact him if it goes wrong.

I'd not feel comfortable having my partners ex in my house either so team DH here too. Your DS can meet with Dad elsewhere.

I don't think it's appropriate for your ex to come in and look around your home, particularly since your dh is against it.
Your son and your ex haven't seen each other for such a long time, that the meeting should be on neutral ground and low pressure.
Tell your son that you support him in re-establishing contact if that's what he wants, but it won't be in your home.
If your ds had moved out and wanted to show off his place to his dad as his own achievement , that's different.

Sounds to me like DS wants to piss off his step dad by suggesting his dad come and see his bedroom. DS is 20 not 8

I think that either your son needs to meet his Dad on neutral ground...cafe, restaurant etc or you and your husband go out and leave your son to entertain his Dad for a couple of hours, with strict instructions that the only upstairs rooms shown is the bathroom (assuming you don't have a downstairs toilet) and your son's room.

Yes, the house is your son's home but it's a house that your husband pays towards, and he's perfectly entitled to feel the way he does. Your son isn't a child, and in all honesty doesn't need to show his Dad the inside of his home, let alone his bedroom! I can understand his Dad coming to the house to pick your son up and going elsewhere. Personally I'd have thought your ex would feel awkward coming to your home, and would rather meet his son on neutral ground!!

OP you haven’t said how you feel about his dad coming to your home?

Man, Im team DS. I don’t see the need to be territorial. A protective step dad would realuze how scary this is for the 30 year old. Maybe he is scared of being stood up and rejected again by his bio father? Maybe he wants to stay close to what is familiar and secure when meeting this stranger?

This is not going to be the start of a wonderful new relationship its likely to be uncomfortable and filled with misunderstanding. I would treat it like a one off. Tell ds they can meet at the house with your support then go out. That way the son isn’t left wilting outside at a cafe while the ex husband no shows.

I’m team DH and I’m amazed you aren’t backing him up. I assume DH raised DS while DS dad did the bare minimum. It’s great they want to reconnect but it should not be on DH turf. If in 20 years DS dad has never established where and how to meet on a regular basis and be a parent, that’s on him.