Ds wants his dad to visit him but Dh isn’t comfortable

[heartmyheart]

Ds is 20 and has never been particularly close to his dad, a lot of this is due to distance but in 20 years he’s only seen his dad a dozen times but they do chat on the phone.
His dad has another family now and has found it difficult to spend time with him.
However his dad has said he’d now like to come and visit him and ds has agreed.
Ds would like him to come over and see his house and where he lives and spend time with him here but Dh is saying he doesn’t want him to come in and that Ds is old enough to meet him somewhere without him needing to come over which would be uncomfortable for him.

On the other hand this is also Ds home and he wants his dad to come and visit so I am torn while I see both sides I don’t want to make Dh feel uncomfortable in his own home but I also don’t want Ds not to feel he can have his dad to visit in his home especially as he’s never come to see him before and he’s exited that he’s making the effort as it’s only ever been ds going to visit his dad until now.
I feel torn as it’s all of our home and everyone should have a say in who comes here.

You really need to prioritise your husband here. Neutral ground would be best and you and your husband can facilitate this in a way that doesn’t place blame on to
anyone.
we had to deal with this for years as ex would manipulate son in to agreeing to random members of exs family here to stay (to save on the cost of hotel)
Even tried to swing it so that we’d have a cousin to stay who ex was supposed to be the guardian of.

now my son is much older he can see it for what it was (I was never negative or nasty about his dad, just explained patiently every single time that we were no longer together and while we both loved him very much we didn’t have any obligations to each other/each other’s families).

I can see why some people are saying this should be ok and your husband should put up with it etc, but not all families are the same and one size does not fit all.

my husband has been steadfastly there for my son for majority of his life while his bio dad had EoW contact to age 16 then it was sporadic as he moved hundreds of miles away and started a new family. Despite all this my son still hero worshipped his bio dad which was bloody hard for hubby who was doing all the actual emotional and physical graft (and he did a lot, was fantastically patient with him - son has SEN). My husband has never said a negative word about bio dad to his step son which I know has been really hard, but things have really changed as son got older and in to his 20’s and started to realise that his step dad was the one he went to for advice, and his bio dad was the one he went out for an occasional drink with.
Time has worn on and now step dad and son are extremely close and regularly meet up for a meal and a drink (son left home some time ago).

it’s important to look at the future.

Now I’ve seen this I truly hope you will support your husband and don’t allow this piece of scum anywhere near your family home.
He is going to break your son’s heart, I am pretty sure about that.
This is about control and possession and I wouldn’t be at all surprised if his marriage is on the rocks. This is all sounding very familiar as this is fairly identical to how my ex started to behave when his marriage was going down the pan.

please don’t take this the wrong way, but would I be wide of the mark to suggest that you might have had boundary issues in the past and been the sort of person who assumes everyone means you well until the demonstrate otherwise? And does your son have the same qualities?
Does your husband seem less open and trusting towards people in general?
have a think about these questions. I had to do this as my son and I kept falling in to the same traps over and over again. Sadly people like us are pray to people like your es and my ex until we learn to spot the patterns. It sounds like the second family is what kept the ex off your backs (again I had same experience). Like I said, I’d bet anything his marriage is on the rocks.

I don't believe that adopted = trauma 100% of the time. Perhaps myself, my brother, my 2 adopted cousins, and 1adopted aunt are unusual in that none of us feel we have experienced any 'trauma' at being adopted.

As far as 'other threads' this is not a case of either the step-dad or his parents not accepting and treating DS as 'one of their own' per OP's own words ("Dh has worked full time and his parents have provided childcare for Ds so they very much felt they were family"), so those threads aren't really relevant.

You're right, we don't know how the son views DH and DH's parents. But we know how they feel about him.

It isn't even physically possible to change your name mid thread on Mumsnet. They will tell you. And, that is troll hunting which is against the guidelines on Mumsnet. All you've done is post unhinged abuse and attacks and accusations.

I wouldn’t be aware of the ‘guidelines’ but I’ve read all your posts and you come across as aggressive and disrespectful which is why you stood out to me like a similar poster on this same thread.

I wonder why he's your ex!
I would be rather concerned that he is up for developing a relationship with your son if he's like this.

If you haven't read Talk Guidelines you shouldn't be posting on this site. Your posts come across as extremely aggressive, disrespectful and very unhinged. Which is why I imagine you've been reported. You sound like you need anger management help.

" you sad little loser"

"weirdo"

Your words certainly are very aggressive and full of anger and hate. There is no need to be so abusive and nasty. Nor obsess over me.

Your the one obsessing over this thread which again I pointed out upthread.

It’s not healthy.

You can call me whatever names you like but it doesn’t mean anything.

@heartmyheart I really do wonder if you underestimate what it has taken for your husband to bring up another man's child?

And now, because "you are neutral" you will allow your ex deadbeat to waltz into the home you and your husband have built with your son?

Your son is old enough to meet his Dad on neutral territory, outside, and you should not allow him to barge his way into the safe space that you and your husband have created for your boy.

I am somewhat surprised that you are so passive about it all, can you really not see how and why this is adversely affecting your husband @heartmyheart?

Choose your side very carefully.

I'm not the one calling a person a 'weirdo' or a 'sad little loser'. Those names you call me are a reflection on you, not me. You're obsessed with me. Please leave me alone.

The ex who hasn't been there for his own son says this about the man and his family who raised him? Yeah I wouldn't want him in my house either! Also he is 20 not a child so no reason he needs to be in the home and seeing his room.
They can absolutely meet in a cafe or something, nice weather doesn't matter.

If I was your DS dad I would suggest somewhere neutral. It would be strange to enter the home of my ex and her partner when I haven’t seen them in 20 years. Especially that DS is an adult. Who was the one who suggested meeting at your home? I note he’s not welcoming his DS into his home is he?

Agreed! The complacency is unreal! Maybe this is why the DS has such low standards that he thinks it’s acceptable to have the sperm donor in the family home.

The DH thank god, has some standards and given the whole situation a hard no!

DS strikes me as an inconsiderate thoughtless man

OP seems like a leaf in the wind. “Yeah, whatever”

DH… well, he deserves better than all this

Agreed, as I said previously I’d be calling into question my relationship with the OP (and the son!).

No chance my ex would be walking in to my home whether DC wanted to or not. At 20, your DS is capable of a relationship with his dad OUTWITH his home.
not sure why ex would want to come in to your home anyway 🥴 never mind the comments to his child (now a grown man!) about how the man and family that have actually seen him grow up “isn’t family”…. Tell the man to take a hike and if your son wishes to see him it has to be outwith!

The would make me significantly less torn. If he can’t at least be polite and respectful acknowledge the role that your DH is taken. I’m bringing him up then I wouldn’t want him in my house regardless of what DS said.

I really think you need to have your DH’s back on this one.

Sums it up nicely.

Assuming there's no personal safety reasons why DH doesn't want him there, DH needs to grow up.

Clearly you have not even bothered to read the thread or the ops updates