Ds wants his dad to visit him but Dh isn’t comfortable

[heartmyheart]

Ds is 20 and has never been particularly close to his dad, a lot of this is due to distance but in 20 years he’s only seen his dad a dozen times but they do chat on the phone.
His dad has another family now and has found it difficult to spend time with him.
However his dad has said he’d now like to come and visit him and ds has agreed.
Ds would like him to come over and see his house and where he lives and spend time with him here but Dh is saying he doesn’t want him to come in and that Ds is old enough to meet him somewhere without him needing to come over which would be uncomfortable for him.

On the other hand this is also Ds home and he wants his dad to come and visit so I am torn while I see both sides I don’t want to make Dh feel uncomfortable in his own home but I also don’t want Ds not to feel he can have his dad to visit in his home especially as he’s never come to see him before and he’s exited that he’s making the effort as it’s only ever been ds going to visit his dad until now.
I feel torn as it’s all of our home and everyone should have a say in who comes here.

How far is he travelling ?

maybe meet somewhere the first time and if comes again he can come to yours

but agree have rules and restricted places

I think DH is being mean. Does he feel threatened in some way by this. If you re ok with him visiting, it sounds like it could be something positive for DS.
Couldn't he visit for an hour or two while you and DH go out. Then DS and his father could go out. You don't even have to meet him.

Why doesn’t hubs feel comfortable?

I'd be a bit suspicuous about why the "father" wants to see his home after all these years - the home that you've built with new DH, but if you're happy there's nothing untoward there, DH should be the bigger man and go out for a couple of hours.

This is crazy, they’re both grown men, albeit there being a power imbalance. Your son should meet his father somewhere else and if the relationship develops into something beautiful and more consistent, perhaps your husband will feel more comfortable about it all. I’d respect his feelings and perhaps more importantly, encourage your son to feel confident enough to go out with his father somewhere else

That was my first thought, dad doesn’t want to spend even a single penny on this visit.

I’m totally with your DH on this. Your DS needs to go out and see his dad elsewhere.

It might get a bit awkward for a first meeting. Could your son meet him in town for coffee or somewhere neutral. Then his dad can drop him home and pop in for 5 mins to see his room if all goes well?

That way he is still seeing your son’s room but no awkward chit chat and it’s short and sweet?

Also for people saying the son needs to grow up, can I offer a different perspective. DS (who yes, is 20 not 5) doesn't really know his dad, so might be anxious/nervous about meeting up for the first time in years. Perhaps having him come to the family home with his mum and stepdad present, feels like the safest place to do it. Obviously he won't say that, he'll say its to show him his room etc, but as someone who's child's father was absent for many years, I've seen the impact it can have. When they finally met up, he was literally shaking with nerves, worry and expectation.

Yes I did think this too.

He's a 20 year old man, he'll know why his step-dad feels awkward.

There are loads of places they could go to meet up.

I think this is quite perceptive and needs consideration

Is the dad going ro be staying at your place? If so, I'm with your DH.
BUT this doesn't seem to be the case... if he is just visiting for a few hours a couple of days and your DH is so uncomfortable he can go out of the house forthat time

Far better to meet somewhere neutral and not at your house. I'm on your dh's side here too. Once your son has his own house, he can invite whoever he chooses.

Dh needs to give his head a wobble

This.

This

I find it a bit odd that the dad wants to come to your place when he's barely shown up for his son all this time and you've happily moved on. I'm team DH here. Why can't a 20YO go for a coffee with him or to the pub?

DH quite reasonably doesn't want a stranger coming over into your home. Absolutely none of you have any idea of what this man is like. DS is presuming that he's wanting to be nice but what if he isn't. What if he is angry with you and wants to vent? You just dont know anything about him! You don't even know how you are going to feel seeing him after all this time. It's a lot of emotion to load

For all the team DS people, if the tables were turned I reckon everyone would be be different if DH suddenly turned around and said "I am going to let my ex that I haven't seen for 20 yrs come over to hang out for the day in our home"

Yes it's DS home but you all know nothing about how this will pan out. Meet somewhere neutral for the first time. Then if things go well and progress, potentially look at a managed visit.

Has DS actually met his dad before?

lot of posters saying he is an adult etc but if this is the first time or first time in a long time, its kind of understandable he wants it to be somewhere he feels comfortable.

but also Team DH cos it sounds like he has been dad for 20 years, its his home too and he is meant to just let this deadbeat dad into his family home.

OP felt you made excuses for the dad not having seen his son etc, having another family is not an excuse. Your DH might not biologically be your sons dad but it sounds like he very much stepped in & raised him as a son & well you can understand why he doesn’t want to break bread with a loser.

Your son clearly wants to do this at home so he has your support but I think that maybe dad should come collect his son, maybe come in for a cup of tea but then they should go out if son feel comfortable.

I would say that in the case of a 20 year old adult son, this your and your DH’s home. What if your ex decides to bring his wife to your house to visit DS, would you be comfortable with that?

Your DS will presumably be moving out soon ant 20? and does he bring all his friends home to visit with? Is there a reason he can’t meet in a pub or a restaurant?

I am with your DH it would be strange to have ex in your house visiting. It is weird that your ex would want to come to your house! Overall, if anyone in the house is not comfortable with someone visiting their house then the visit should not be allowed. You don’t why you have not thought about that and are okay to have your DH uncomfortable in his own home.

I think it’s weird, sorry. Why does your son want to “show him where he lives”?

I wouldn’t welcome the ex husband into the house. They can go out for dinner quite easily.

It's a clash between adult DS and his step dad and not really for you to resolve except by encouraging them to talk to each other and reach a compromise. Could your ex come in for 10 minutes to see DS's bedroom then go out to a cafe with DS? Could DS meet him somewhere else this time and come to the house next time, if there is a next time? I imagine DH is feeling protective of his own relationship with DS and pissed off with the stay away dad. Perhaps DS needs to hear that.

DH quite reasonably doesn't want a stranger coming over into your home. Absolutely none of you have any idea of what this man is like.

He's not a 'stranger' to the OP, who had a child and probably a relationship with him, or to the OP's DS, who keeps in touch with him by phone and has met him periodically down the years! Two of the three people in the house know this man and either want him to visit, or don't mind if he does, for the sake of the DS.

The OP's DH will have to get over himself. He doesn't get a veto on visitors.

It’s the son’s house too. DH needs to behave like an adult.

So you think the man who has raised DS as his own and provided a home for him because his natural father basically couldn’t be arsed, should have no opinion on where they meet, and no say as to who comes into his home ? I don’t think it’s DH who needs to grow up here.