Ds wants his dad to visit him but Dh isn’t comfortable

[heartmyheart]

Ds is 20 and has never been particularly close to his dad, a lot of this is due to distance but in 20 years he’s only seen his dad a dozen times but they do chat on the phone.
His dad has another family now and has found it difficult to spend time with him.
However his dad has said he’d now like to come and visit him and ds has agreed.
Ds would like him to come over and see his house and where he lives and spend time with him here but Dh is saying he doesn’t want him to come in and that Ds is old enough to meet him somewhere without him needing to come over which would be uncomfortable for him.

On the other hand this is also Ds home and he wants his dad to come and visit so I am torn while I see both sides I don’t want to make Dh feel uncomfortable in his own home but I also don’t want Ds not to feel he can have his dad to visit in his home especially as he’s never come to see him before and he’s exited that he’s making the effort as it’s only ever been ds going to visit his dad until now.
I feel torn as it’s all of our home and everyone should have a say in who comes here.

What do you mean it isn't her son's permanent home?! Just because her DS will leave home one day doesn't mean it isn't his home now.

My view on this is that he should have his dad visit this time and if your DH isn't keen, he could go out (although that seems a bit childish). Then ask you DS to make arrangements elsewhere if there is a next time so it is an occasional rather than a regular thing.

After 20 years of abdicating all responsibility for his son, nothing much has changed though has it ? Coming to OP and her DH’s home is the easy option - it costs nothing, not even the price of a decent cup of coffee. I think it’s beyond tone deaf to think that the man who provided for you and stepped willingly into a parental role when your biological father didn’t, wouldn’t have a problem with ‘dad’ coming into his home to ‘reconnect’ now their child is an adult with minimal needs. It’s insulting and hurtful. I’m team DH.

I was responding to all the weird territorial posts by other people here who seem to have strong feelings about the dh’s manly ownership of the house or manly rage at the ex over supporting the ds financially or emotionally as well as the weird vibe in the reverse comment to which I was responding.

Many years ago when dropping dsd off she asked if i wanted to see her bedroom and her goldfish. I said I wouldn't come in but next time she was with us she could draw me a picture of her fish.
She was 4.
I wasn't intruding in her dm's private space. Didn't occur to me to say yes.

However his dad has said he’d now like to come and visit him and ds has agreed.
CF XP invites himself round.

Ds would like him to come over and see his house and where he lives and spend time with him here
He doesn't even know this person.

but Dh is saying he doesn’t want him to come in and that Ds is old enough to meet him somewhere without him needing to come over which would be uncomfortable for him.
I agree with him.

Why should the man who brought up DS as his own, have to leave his own home to facilitate a visit from the man who abdicated all parental responsibility until his son was a grown adult ? It may be DS’s home, but DH helped provide that home, along with his input in a parenting role. It’s the equivalent of saying ‘thanks for everything but dad’s back now’. And I’d bet the farm that’s exactly how DH is being made to feel. It’s insulting and tone deaf.

Absolutely this. Minimal effort from ‘dad’ at the emotional expense of the man who helped bring DS up and provide him with a home. It’s a kick in the teeth for DH and l really don’t understand why posters are encouraging it.

So you would want your child to go meet a stranger in a cafe/pub/park where they might not feel safe.

lovely caring parenting there

That’s a good point @YourWildAmberSloth

Why is it weird ? DH was key in bringing DS up and helping provide him with a home. It’s entirely understandable that he would object to Disney dad wanting to come into his home and reconnect with his son, having done none of the work involved in bringing him to adulthood. It’s nothing to do with being ‘manly’. It’s about respect. And neither DS or OP seem to have any for DH if they’re expecting him to just blithely accept the insult.

Team DH.

He’s not a stranger, he’s DS’s biological father. And DS is not a child, he’s 20, a grown man. Where is the care for the poor bloke who actually brought him up and is clearly not comfortable with this man coming into his home ?

At 20 your DS is absolutely old enough to understand why this is awkward for his stepdad and he should have asked. There are many places that can go - pub, restaurant, park for a walk etc. I’m on DH side on this one.

Yes it is safe space. But is this man safe? No one knows. I wasnt at all referencing jealousy it was about security and risk and what is appropriate with strangers

Yep, me too 100%.

Whilst I can see both sides, i would also be uncomfortable with what is essentially a stranger coming into my house and as it is a first visit I also agree with others that it should really be at a neutral place. I could understand more if it was a house your son owned but this is a family home of which the ex hasnt seen in 20+ years

It's not a child, it's a grown man and it's not a stranger, it's the man's father.

It would seem to be OK for a 20-year old to meet a date in a pub or cafe, or are you suggesting those should take place in the family home too?

Ok but for fucks sake I think OP would have mentioned that.

I live in a rough area but the pubs here are still very safe and lovely.

The DS is 20 - if he can't pick a safe location in his area I'm sure OP his Mum could pop along somewhere neutral with him.

I have not yet seen DS’s accommodation for 3rd year at uni, he is keen for me to see it before he moves out. It has been his home for a large part of the year.

Maybe OP’s DS would like a more normal relationship with his dad, and that will include showing him where he lives (making up for the fact he wasn’t able to show him when younger)

Do we know how long DH has been in DS’s life?

Agree with dh. Meet him at a pub. Its also your husband's home and he's brought your son up.

There are lots of places they can go if the weather is poor - cafes are generally open long hours, for example. Otherwise, you're suggesting that the deadbeat, absent dad spend HOURS in your home, making your DH uncomfortable (pp suggesting "DH needs to go out" - that's utterly unreasonable!) and probably you, too. What are you both supposed to do whilst this long meeting after all these years takes place? Are you supposed to cater for him?

I would think it reasonable For DS’s dad to come to the communal areas (such as kitchen / lounge) whilst you and DH go out for a couple of hours. Not reasonable for his dad to go upstairs etc.

If you don’t mind him visiting then your DH needs to get over himself and put up with it. It’s reasonable that your DS would want to welcome a visitor into his home. Your DH does need to grow up, sorry. He can always sit in another room or go out.