Ds wants his dad to visit him but Dh isn’t comfortable

[heartmyheart]

Ds is 20 and has never been particularly close to his dad, a lot of this is due to distance but in 20 years he’s only seen his dad a dozen times but they do chat on the phone.
His dad has another family now and has found it difficult to spend time with him.
However his dad has said he’d now like to come and visit him and ds has agreed.
Ds would like him to come over and see his house and where he lives and spend time with him here but Dh is saying he doesn’t want him to come in and that Ds is old enough to meet him somewhere without him needing to come over which would be uncomfortable for him.

On the other hand this is also Ds home and he wants his dad to come and visit so I am torn while I see both sides I don’t want to make Dh feel uncomfortable in his own home but I also don’t want Ds not to feel he can have his dad to visit in his home especially as he’s never come to see him before and he’s exited that he’s making the effort as it’s only ever been ds going to visit his dad until now.
I feel torn as it’s all of our home and everyone should have a say in who comes here.

Your partner is behaviour is emotionally immature. Sorry you’ve got to experience that from him ☹️ State your points clearly and if it’s a democratic vote by majority, he just got outvoted. Oh well, you win some, you lose some

There is no need for your sons dad to enter the house, your son is old enough to realise this is not a reasonable thing to demand, he’s not 6 years old wanting his dad to see his new bedroom paint! Your son can meet his dad elsewhere

Your ex is visiting his adult son, he doesn't need to being in your house

Its still the OP’s child & the man is his biological sperm giver not his father. He doesn’t get to hold that title given the lack of fathering.

i was responding to a specific poster & what they said. Just because he is 20 doesn’t mean his parents should stop parenting him, the fact he wants to invite him to the house where he feels safe shows this.

Not really into responding to emotively manipulative people so I am going to ignore the second & irrelevant part.

You're 'D' H is being a territorial selfish arsehole. You can (and should) say yes so that will be two against one. If you're H doesn't like it, he doesn't have to be there when your DS's father visits. He can be out for the day, can't he? Your voting options are not clear, you haven't explained them, so I cannot vote. But you need to put that selfish arsehole H in his place and tell him it's your son's house too, and no one is forcing him to be there for the visit, he can go visiting mates for the day or see family or something. Side with your son, not your selfish arsehole husband. Put your foot down and nip H's behaviour in the bud now.

My ex has been into our home btw but it’s far from a given this happens, my dh’s ex has popped in too to drop off paperwork for dsd but not long social visits, the dc see their other parents elsewhere

Nip DH’s behaviour in the bud? Raising another mans child & providing him with a home & being a dad where the childs actual father failed to do any of that.

yep deffo behaviour that needs nipping in the bud.

Neither party is wrong in this instance. The son has invited him to his home cos that is where he will clearly feel more comfortable. DH is not wrong either, why would you want to let a complete waster in your house that has hurt your wife & ‘son’ setting the potential for it to happen again.

What if it was your 20-year old step-child, and it was his/her mother who'd invited herself to your and your DH's house?

You'd not be saying you were a selfish arsehole then, would you?

Your husband needs to get over himself for the sake of his step son.

I can see why ds did not think this through but he is old enough to meet him elsewhere. Neutral ground would be better. Ex dh sounds like he should have stepped up a long time ago. I don’t think you need to see him either.

However his dad has said he’d now like to come and visit him and ds has agreed.

This read like the ex has invited himself - after doing very little for DS.

Sounds like based on history it will be another blow in and out situation.

The other adult paying the rent/mortaage doesn't want them in them in the house so any ultimatums could cause issue with OP and DS relationships with DH. I would be looking at netrual places because like fuck would a flacky ex who didn't hit bare min parenting get to swan in cause chaos and upset and fuck off again.

Saying to a 20 saying you want to avoid ex causing any problems so please could DS meet somewhere netural - I don't think that equates to not parenting. At 20 he should know not everyone gets on.

100pc this
Your son's emotional wellbeing is priority
Why is your husband feeling uncomfortable?

Your husband needs to put his big boy pants on, the man is your ex coming to see your son. Could you and your husband go out whilst your son's dad visits

Disagree
Husband needs to put the interests of the OP's son first

I can see it from both sides. I would not want my ex in my house again. But given that your DS hasn't seen his dad in a long time, I think your DH needs to put his feelings aside and let the ex visit the son for a short period of time on this occasion. I would explain to your son that this is difficult for your husband for various reasons (you will know why this is, we don't need to), so there needs to be a time limit on his visit (an hour or 2 max), they can either go elsewhere if they want to spend more time together or ex can go if not after that. I would also be clear this was a one time thing, not to be repeated, as your DH deserves to be comfortable in his own home. Even better would be for your DH and DS to have a grown up talk rather than you being a go between, you could be present or not, but (presuming there's no problems between them) at 20 your son really should be navigating this stuff himself.

I agree.
I don't think the crappy father gets to dictate how the meeting goes having been absent from your son's life.
He won't have DS in his home,
but insists he has to visit DS's home..(is he being nosey?)
its not just DS's home its your home and your own DH home

None of you know how this initial meeting will go, so a neutral place would be a much better bet. DS won't have to worry about you and your DH feeling uncomfortable or a meeting between you and the ex with DH and DS looking on.

I think DS would have a better meeting with his DF in a neutral setting.. maybe somewhere where there's something to look at or do, should the conversation falter. DS can be more himself and feel what he wants to feel in that setting, rather than feeling awkward and worrying about what everyone else is feeling. It should just be him and his DF for this first meeting, until they both know the lay of the land.

Cynical thinking

Cynical thinking

As if a 20 year old man is bothered about showing his “not close” father his bedroom FGS.

Your DS and DH don’t get on I’d bet and your DS is suggesting this with one purpose in mind… to piss off your DH

It's disrespectful to your DH. Your ex isn't going to give a shite about where DS lives anyway. Your son can show him his own place when he moves out. Over my dead body my ex would visit my house.

Just to add

DS's unreliable, largely absent DF doesn't want DS's visit is that because he thinks it would disrupt his home/family (I wonder why?)
But he's suggested something that could potentially disrupt yours? (again I wonder why?)

Most people would be happy to meet in a neutral place. It seems sensible to me, particularly for a first meeting after a very long time. You could always be on hand, a phonecall away if DS wants you nearby,.

I don't blame your DH for feeling a bit uncomfortable about it. It's not a question of growing up or being a better step dad. DF's behaviour and insistence doesn't make sense.

Is there a reason why your DS wants the meeting at your home? Or is he just wanting to go along with DF's suggestion and doesn't want to rock the boat by suggesting something else.

The 20 year old man who wants to show his not close daddy his bedroom???

If a young adult from a split family wanted to invite the rarely seen mother to their father and step mother's house I would be willing to bet that if the step mother said no then MN would back her! Because it's a step father saying it he needs to 'grow up'!

Depends if your current DH basically raised your son. If he did, I can see why he'd not want Mr Flakey Shit Dad pulling up a cosy seat in your home. If he didn't, and he's a fairly new addition, then he's got very little right to call the shots. It is your son's home, he is an adult and as such shouldn't be refused visitors, especially as you (his mother) are indifferent about it.

DS is reaching out for support, to the two people he loves the most and in the space where he feels safest.
It's a shame you can't see it.