AIBU to think my children would not care about £7 maintenance?

[SquishmallowsS]

AIBU to think my kids wouldn’t care if I cancelled £7 a week child maintenance?

My ex pays £7 a week maintenance for our children because he’s been on benefits for the last 10 years. Sometimes it’s even been nothing because of debts being taken from his benefits first.

I’m honestly tempted to cancel it because the amount feels more insulting than helpful. £7 a week between more than one child barely covers anything these days.

I mentioned this before and people said my kids would be upset in future if they found out I’d cancelled it. But I genuinely can’t imagine children growing up and being angry that their mum didn’t pursue £7 a week from their dad. Who even discusses those details with their children anyway? Apparently they will ‘resent’ me. I wouldn’t think most single parents even discuss maintenance with their children but perhaps i’m wrong?

I could understand it if we were living in real poverty and that £7 meant the difference between having food in the cupboard, the electric staying on, or being able to buy essentials. In those circumstances I can see why a child might later feel differently. Equally, if it was hundreds of pounds a month and the children genuinely missed out on things because that money wasn’t being paid, then I can understand why they might care as adults. But if their needs were otherwise taken care of and they had a stable upbringing, I honestly don’t see most children caring that their mum stopped chasing £7 a week.

Also, my own mum never claimed maintenance for me because my father wasn’t around, and I honestly don’t care. I never went without anything growing up, so it’s never been something I’ve felt upset or deprived about.

AIBU to think most kids wouldn’t care about this?

I have loads of proof as well if I ever need it.

The other thing it can come in handy for, which is a bit morbid, is if he dies. You’ll be informed by CMS. I had a couple of cases where that was the only way the children actually found out their father had died.

but equally do understand why people close them

I wouldn’t want to know 🫣

I get £7 a week too, and he's still managed to rack up £600 arrears. Do whatever is best for you. I don't notice the money going in anymore and I never bother to login to the cms site as the hassle of logging in to be told they were unable to collect the money again isn't worth it. If you get stressed seeing the crap amount of money every month then just cancel it.

That could easily become £4k in ten years in a medium interest savings account. If I found out my mum had chosen not to let me have this lump sum when I turned 18 on principle yeah I’d be resentful towards her. You don’t need to take the money, you’re right to be angry at this shitty system and your kids shitty dad but take it as an opportunity to help your kids go traveling when they leave school.

I should add that for me it was the principle. I know he LOATHED having to pay a penny (although he did end up earning quite a lot which meant he hated it even more haha!), and there was no way I was going to let him get away with that one obligation he was being forced to see through.

I like my Ex to see his pathetic £7 contribution each week.
Prick.

Do you have to put in effort to receive it? Sorry I don’t know how it works, doesn’t it just arrive by bank transfer? If its no effort then I would say it’s worth keeping, £7 for doing nothing is better than not having it.

but yeah if you have to chase it up then I would have a very low threshold for stopping, and I would have no issue telling the kids why when they were older and I would expect them to understand.

I'd leave the maintenance in place and see it as an unexpected bonus if it's paid but forget about it if not (i.e. I wouldn't rely on it or let it take any place in the "mental load"). That is assuming that maintenance is paid via CMS (therefore they keep track and chase on your behalf so you don't need to do any admin).

That's £364 a year - more than enough for a family day trip or something fun - toys, fancy trainers, whatever your DC are into - if you don't need the money to live off.

£360 a year isn't a huge amount.
But you never want to be stuck saying No I can't afford £150 trainers or No I can't afford a school trip to Paris Or guitar / riding lessons other expensive opportunities.
Only for Dad to say my money wasn't good enough for her...

I think you keep claiming it and use it as 'fun money' take the 3 of you out to dinner now and again or use it for extras for the kids

I don't see or get why the kids will resent it when it has no impact on their life and it's money going to you to look after them not directly to them.

I do get your point about how insulting it is, £7 a week is so ridiculous that it makes no sense and I can see why you want to cancel it, but I also see the point from other posters about at least keeping him on the hook even if it is so small and who knows he may hit the jackpot in the future and you can claim more, then again I don't know what the chances are or how long he has been on benefits.

But you're not wrong to feel insulted, £28 a month for 3 children is ridiculously insulting and tbh I probably wouldn't bother especially if he isn't in the children's lives, I would rather have absolutely nothing to do with such a useless man.

How old are your DC Op?
I understand that £7 regardless of age is insulting but it is what it is unfortunately, I don't think the children should know about the amount which you do or do not get each week..... out of principle though I wouldn't refuse it I also wouldn't chase it but if the children are still only young then I'd maybe give them the £7 and let them buy an ice cream or save it as pocket money and then they could take a trip to Smyths once they have £10+ and get a little treat...... it will also teach your DC about saving and managing money and they needn't know anymore about it.

Cms only take earned income into consideration so even if he won 3 million on the lottery that wouldn’t be counted for child maintenance, not that he would 😂

Let's not pretend that a compulsory £7 out of his benefits is being in ANY way financially responsible for his children. It's not, and the fact that he's not got off his arse and earned or given more in 10 years, or bothered to be in contact with let alone see his children, is testament to the fact that he is an utterly shit dad. How the OP feels about it is more important than how he feels about it.

I don’t think anyone can really say how your children will feel, if they find out about it maybe they’d think you were being petty for not just accepting it. Maybe they’d understand that you felt it was more insulting. Maybe they’d just not care. Maybe they’d also question why you didn’t just save it for them or give it them for pocket money.

its hard to know as everyone is different but I assume they love their dad and so they might feel defensive of him if they were told as you were coming from a place of criticism that his contribution is not enough. It’s not, but also he’s on benefits so can’t afford anymore.

My dad never paid my mum maintenance, she never pursued him and I think he felt he contributed as he’d buy me things directly but in reality I think he was a dick for not paying anything to my mum but I’m not upset she didn’t pursue it as I didn’t go without with either of them. So I’d lean towards them not caring but who knows. They deffo won’t care if you continue taking it though, so that’s probably your safest bet

they don’t know him, they haven’t seen him in over 3 years..

If you aren’t actively having to chase it then don’t cancel it. If it’s giving you work then cancel. DC won’t give a shit because it’s £7 (£3.50 if you have two DC ffs it’s nothing!) and they’ll already know what their “D”F is like because of his actions during their childhood.

I would have it in the normal account and have it filtered into regular spending (or forget about it totally!) there is no way in hell I would allocated it into a separate account and have it sitting there building up at £7 a week through out their childhood to then be presented in their 18th as “oh here’s the money dads paid for you all your life look what you can do now” as a couple grand will be a big deal to a teen. No fuck that for a game of soilders. I wouldn’t be letting him “gift” a big lump sum when they turn adults via a paltry insulting £7 a week contribution to their whole childhood and all the costs that involves. If they get any money it’ll be because YOU have saved what you wish to and if they don’t they don’t. The £7 is for bringing them up and all the costs that incurrs not a kindly “extra” for their future.

Overall I wouldn’t cancel because if he had to be put on a collection system then he clearly didn’t want to pay and I’d want his £7 a week as a reminder to HIM every week that he had kids he’s choosen to ignore. Make him remember weekly. You howveee don’t need to let it come intk your account where it’ll merge with your own money and won’t make a dent or be a big deal to your budgeting or life. He however should see it exiting his account just so he remembers hating a shit dad he is (not that he’ll likely care).

I can see the sense in not fighting to receive £7 a week, but once you’re getting it, to then actively decline it seems odd. Shove it in an account, £300 a year will yield over £4000 in ten years which they might like to spend.

😂 that's a bummer.

I totally see your point and as for your main question, your kids will love and appreciate all you have done for them. There's a chance he many suddenly become a Disney dad and try to buy them back but most kids will see through all that over time and know which parent was there for them.

And your kids getting upset that you cancelled less than £3 for each of them a week is far-fetched and unrealistic.

And based on your update that he doesn't even see the kids and has been on even fits for over 10 years I wouldn't even bother with him TBH, I agree there's no point.

And those people saying but it's £350 a year, that just highlights how insulting it is and how we are enabling a system that allows men to get away with this at the expense of the mothers.

YABU

• Save it in a jar and give it to the kids for holiday spending
• Give it to charity

Definitely don’t leave it for your ex to keep!

I don’t think they will know or care. Cancel it if you want. If he asks say it’s a pathetic amount so clearly he needs it and you’re more capable of looking after his kids alone. Although PP idea is a good one - give it to the kids as pocket money.

Sooo... dad's money buys the fun things while mum's buys the invisible essentials? Yeah those sound like great lessons.

I think the fact he doesn't see them is a bigger indicator that he's a loser.

Thank you, I actually agree with you, I really don’t like the thought of it being gifted as a lump sum when they are adults, like you say they can think wow look at all this money my dad saved for me 🤦‍♀️ absolutely not.