AIBU to think my children would not care about £7 maintenance?

[SquishmallowsS]

AIBU to think my kids wouldn’t care if I cancelled £7 a week child maintenance?

My ex pays £7 a week maintenance for our children because he’s been on benefits for the last 10 years. Sometimes it’s even been nothing because of debts being taken from his benefits first.

I’m honestly tempted to cancel it because the amount feels more insulting than helpful. £7 a week between more than one child barely covers anything these days.

I mentioned this before and people said my kids would be upset in future if they found out I’d cancelled it. But I genuinely can’t imagine children growing up and being angry that their mum didn’t pursue £7 a week from their dad. Who even discusses those details with their children anyway? Apparently they will ‘resent’ me. I wouldn’t think most single parents even discuss maintenance with their children but perhaps i’m wrong?

I could understand it if we were living in real poverty and that £7 meant the difference between having food in the cupboard, the electric staying on, or being able to buy essentials. In those circumstances I can see why a child might later feel differently. Equally, if it was hundreds of pounds a month and the children genuinely missed out on things because that money wasn’t being paid, then I can understand why they might care as adults. But if their needs were otherwise taken care of and they had a stable upbringing, I honestly don’t see most children caring that their mum stopped chasing £7 a week.

Also, my own mum never claimed maintenance for me because my father wasn’t around, and I honestly don’t care. I never went without anything growing up, so it’s never been something I’ve felt upset or deprived about.

AIBU to think most kids wouldn’t care about this?

I'd only consider canceling it if the children agree that THEY do not want it, and they are old enough to understand the situation. If you mean that you, and not they, find it insulting that's irrelevant as it really has nothing to do with you - it's for the benefit of the children, and it's their parents' responsibility to provide for them to the best of each parent's ability. It's disappointing that the dad can't manage more right now, but that doesn't mean he should be prevented from or let off the hook from contributing. And while he is paying, there's the chance that he may be mandated to pay more if his financial circumstances improve. And if you really think he's laughing about getting away with paying £7 a week per child, don't you think he'll be laughing harder at paying nothing?

I know what you mean but the way I see it is that money is for the children, use it for anything that benefits them, you wouldn't save it up for handbags would you? In this scenario, she's not relying on it for bills so to just stop taking it, who does that benefit except the deadbeat dad.

Good point

I don't understand that either.

i also don't think your kids will care in the future, they'll either understand & support your decision or just not care at all. I find it hard to imagine any adult giving a fuss about £7 per month (let alone between them
all).

if it stops you feeling shit each month, then cancel it. Personally I'd rather he was losing that tiny bit of money each month & being reminded he has kids out there. 💁🏻‍♀️

Also, it's actually not got anything to do with your kids. It's money for you to 'help raise them' (forgive me while I laugh! 🤣🤣🤣) it's not money for them to have. So it's you 'missing out' - not them!

It's not the children's money to want or not want. It's the OP's money.

1. MN isn't a homogenous hive mind, there are something like 8 million unique users a month, some people will say £250 isn't worth saving (who exactly, this sounds ridiculous to me), it doesn't mean everyone will

2. Its possible both for people to agree that CMP are both ridiculously, disgustingly low, AND that is makes no sense to refuse additional money you are entitled to. It's still over £350 a year - could make the difference between going on a school trip or not, or buying a pair of trainers or whatever.

I wouldn't cancel it for several reasons
= he might get a new job and have to pay more - you think it's unlikely but a different govt could cut down hugely on benefits
= it's still additional money, with the COL every little helps.
= if he ever gets in touch when they're older he could argue "I was paying but your mother cancelled it", which would be completely true. He could say "I was going to pay more but your mother said she didn't want it" and there's no way of disproving it.
= if he's on benefits it probably represents a bigger percentage of his income than yours, so I would want to claim that just to spite him for being such a shit father.
= kids might want to get in touch with him when they're older (or need to for medical info or whatever) - if he's still paying there's a paper trail to follow, otherwise in 10 years time he could move anywhere and be hard to find.

However you seem to only be looking for people to agree with you, so you do you.

Yet my thread is full of people telling me how much it is over a year like I am not aware, and I still don’t think it’s a lot. The other threads I read are full of people saying how pathetic it is and father should be ashamed for paying so little.

Sorry do you think he is paying it willingly? It’s through collect and pay. He refused to even pay £7 willingly.

It’s such a pathetic amount that he has to pay. It is disgraceful that it is down to you to raise including financially his children and his only contribution is the equivalent of a couple of chocolate bars a week! I don’t think I would bother chasing it either as it wouldn’t be worth my time.

Thank you, finally someone that agrees, anyone that gets such a tiny amount is told it all adds up and every little helps!

Yes, it’s peanuts in the great scheme of things, but 52 x £7 = £364, so I’d be saving it for e.g. summer holiday treats, or for something special at Christmas, e.g. panto tickets.

How old are the kids?

They must know their dad is a loser if he hasn't worked in ten years.

It’s a pathetic amount of money and he is a waste of space.

in your situation, if money makes no difference to you financially, I would go down the least effortfull way. If the £7 arrives in your account, fine, if not also fine and don’t Chase.

I personally would also buy something nice for myself every week costing £7 ( irrespective of whether he paid or not). A small bunch of flowers, bar of chocolate etc. Treat yourself for being saddled with that idiot!

no need to mention anything to the kids. If they ask, you can say he was unreliable so you covered everything to ensure they consistently had what they needed. Job done.

Both things can be true though.

Yes he should be ashamed, £7 a week is a pitiful amount.

BUT it’s still money for the kids and I wouldn’t cancel it just on the principal. If you don’t want to spend it then stick it into an account and it can just be a little lump of money they get at 18. £7 a week is nothing but over the years it could end up being a few grand to help towards a car or insurance or a holiday.

50p a day per child is pittance and so low nothing would be easier to grasp. He can go around telling people he's on benefits but still has to pay child maintenance to children I don't get to see poor me.

How old are the children? I would be tempted to give it to them as pocket money as money lesson. You want to go bowling with your friends, well that's 3 weeks of your dad's child maintenance, go out for the day you have to chose between a drink or an ice cream or a snack the money doesn't stretch far. I can provide you with the rest.

My mum didn't receive a penny from my sister's biological father. She never asked but she knew during their relationship that it was her that paid the child maintenance to his children from a previous relationship. My sister didn't any contact with biological father from 4-16 and from 16-45 she's only had one evening and one phone call with him. She is only grateful that my mum provided her with a happy and stable home. She has grown up knowing she is loved, cared for and her needs met. She has always known that her dad paid nothing and I think if my mum had been paid a tiny amount I don't think that would have made any difference.

I don’t think you should be grateful or whatever, I do think teenagers are incredibly expensive and interested in money so saving it into a pot that gets split seems the most sensible plan rather than just ditching it. I know at least one of mine would have been quite frustrated if I’d refused money that could have been theirs.

I think, OP, I am the kind of character who would frame this as 'No, my kids aren't buying you an extra pint a week'

But that's easy for me to say and I don't know how ardous it is to claim - you must do what's best for you. It's not about the money really.

Teens/ preteens

Give it to them as pocket money?

For me it has little to do with the actual amount.

It's more that cancelling it is just cutting your nose off to spite your face.

Even if you spent the £28 per month on a takeaway, it's better than it staying in his wallet.

Also, have you started this thread before - a couple of months ago? It sounds familiar.

My view is that he should be paying. Therefore if it comes I I will take it and save it for the kids. If it doesn’t it doesn’t

why should he get awaY with not paying? £7 to someone on benefits is a lot, it may not be to you but will inconvenience him

There’s no way of knowing whether they’ll care when they’re older.

Put it in savings for them if it doesn’t make any difference to you. Then you won’t have to worry about the possibility of them resenting you cancelling it.

Or maybe it will be the opposite and they’ll resent you carrying on claiming when £7 would have meant a lot more to him than it did to you.

Just do whatever you think is best and most justifiable to them if they were to ever know or have an issue in future.

I wouldn’t close the account purely because when I worked at CMS it was very common for dickheads who had been on benefits for years to suddenly get a job when the claim was closed. Then they bailed out again when it was reopened.

One man actually complained that his ex was “forcing” him to stay on benefits and not build his pension or career and I just thought “good on her”.

The other thing that caught a couple of guys out was they inherited and then were absolutely gobsmacked to discover that interest on savings counts as income. Their £7 a week payment suddenly became quite a bit more.

Your children might ask. I have twin girls with my ex and one has asked quite a bit about if he contributed and did he fight it. The other has never had any interest.

I had similar and kept the claim going because my first husband was a deadbeat who I had a hunch would try and twist things if they kids ever tracked him down. DD kept in touch with his mum for a while recently and he had indeed twisted the story, it was my fault he didnt see them, my fault that he didnt even write to them as I cut contact and said I wanted nothing from him etc. I had proof in the letters from CSA and solicitors letters asking him to arrange contact etc, which he never replied to.

DD told them both to stuff it.