AIBU to think my children would not care about £7 maintenance?

[SquishmallowsS]

AIBU to think my kids wouldn’t care if I cancelled £7 a week child maintenance?

My ex pays £7 a week maintenance for our children because he’s been on benefits for the last 10 years. Sometimes it’s even been nothing because of debts being taken from his benefits first.

I’m honestly tempted to cancel it because the amount feels more insulting than helpful. £7 a week between more than one child barely covers anything these days.

I mentioned this before and people said my kids would be upset in future if they found out I’d cancelled it. But I genuinely can’t imagine children growing up and being angry that their mum didn’t pursue £7 a week from their dad. Who even discusses those details with their children anyway? Apparently they will ‘resent’ me. I wouldn’t think most single parents even discuss maintenance with their children but perhaps i’m wrong?

I could understand it if we were living in real poverty and that £7 meant the difference between having food in the cupboard, the electric staying on, or being able to buy essentials. In those circumstances I can see why a child might later feel differently. Equally, if it was hundreds of pounds a month and the children genuinely missed out on things because that money wasn’t being paid, then I can understand why they might care as adults. But if their needs were otherwise taken care of and they had a stable upbringing, I honestly don’t see most children caring that their mum stopped chasing £7 a week.

Also, my own mum never claimed maintenance for me because my father wasn’t around, and I honestly don’t care. I never went without anything growing up, so it’s never been something I’ve felt upset or deprived about.

AIBU to think most kids wouldn’t care about this?

Does it involve effort from you, if so stop it. If there’s no effort involved then what’s the point in stopping - yes it barely anything but it will at least cover a day out to a theme park (of course a child’s dad should contribute way more than that but why lose it unnecessarily)

Your kids won't care. But you should continue to accept it - providing it's not a job for you to obtain?
If you don't need it, save it towards something.
It's an absolute pittance and he should be ashamed, but better for your child to have it rather than him.

I think they would resent you making the choice for them when you could be saving it for them.

If there's no effort involved in getting the £7 per week from him, I don't see the point in cancelling it. Should he pay more? Obviously...but I wouldn't cancel it if I didn't need to put in any effort to let it continue to be paid

I don't think anyone thinks you should be grateful for it...just that you may as well make use of it as its there. And maybe flip it and think of how much it probably pisses him off to pay his measly £7 each week.

I would get it paid in to an account that I didn't look at on a regular basis. Or think about something really shitty that he is paying for...in fact, wouldn't that cover the sewage part of your water bill?! Might that give you satisfaction that his crappy money pays for something...well...crappy. Or be money that you totally fritter...spend it on scratchcards, lottery cards...whatever. It's not actually anything to do with the kids if you have it or not...you're paying for your children...his money isn't. And he shouldn't get any satisfaction out of that.

Bottom line, the kids won't care. It's more damaging for them that their father doesn't have a relationship with them which is on him. Don't let him take your energy and upset you - you're a champ and doing the best for your kids.

I don't think people are saying to be grateful, I think people are saying just keep it and put into savings as £350 a year for 18years is a not a reasonable amount to live on but is a significant amount of money to turn down. Why would you not keep it?

Then you’re probably right, I honestly doubt they’d care

I am cringing for him. What kind of father can only be bothered to pay less than a tenner towards his own offspring?

It did make me a bit sad as a teen that my mum didn’t feel I was worth the fight.

It was compounded by the fact a friend’s mum had done what’s suggested on here: put it in savings. So she then had money to help set her up as a young adult and I didn’t.

I would cancel it if it gives you peace. I hope your children never discover that their father was forced by the government to pay you £2.33 for each of them per week and resented providing even that paltry sum.
But I did like a pp comment that she would keep it just so he couldn't have that extra pint. 💐

I’m 60. Dad left mum when I was 17 and my sister younger. I absolutely care about what arrangements were made about maintenance for us. It plays a big part in my thoughts about what happened and about my Dad himself.
However, I did continue contact with my Dad and probably only really thought about it when I was a bit older, say 30ish.

Just to simply answer your question, I really don’t think they would give a shit!

I'd think my Mum was an idiot if she gave it back instead of saving it because she was having a strop over the amount.

It wouldn't be something I lost any sleep over though.

No one is answering that because that's not the question you posited. Of course it's shitty that you're only getting £350 a year for 3 children. I don't think anyone is telling you that's great or that you "should be grateful for it". It's a kick in the teeth and hardly enough to buy sweets for one child. But what people are saying is that it's not £0 and so if your choice is to take it or refuse it, take it. The PP responding to you are also saying that if it's causing you so much distress to be reminded of their deadbeat father with each payment, then have it go somewhere you can "forget about it".

I would take it just because I know he resents it.
Even if I donated it, wiped my arse with it or set fire to it, I'd take it off the fucker.

I think this is about him not working and not paying anything other than a derisory amount for his children. That is enough to make anyone angry because you're raising three children without financial help or him even seeing them. So it's not really the amount, it's his laziness and seemingly uncaring attitude to his own kids.

And that's really horrible for you and for them.

Walking away from the money and telling him to shove it can mean you feel better as you would rather have nothing than this token. I get that. But the story from his side would be he tried and you threw it in his face.

It may not be much but it is an obligation and a reminder to him that he has children and a responsibility.

I'd save the money until the youngest is out of school and he's stopped paying and then do something really lovely as a family like a family celebration or holiday.

If he died in an accident and there was to be a payout, I would imagine it would make it easier to find your children (to inherit) if he was paying maintenance. A friend's ex was a waste of space, died in prison, it was deemed negligence and her children got a good pay out. My DD is in the same position as you, she's leaving it to run, just out of the principle that he should be doing something for his children.

Make a point in using the fortune deadbeat dad contributes in buying cleaning material each month. I would absolutely not cancel it because he would be happy with 28 £ more per month and why would you want to gift the twat with that?

Good idea. Toilet duck and loo roll is a fitting use for it.

It may be true. If you could save the money for when they each turn 18 but choose not to then you would be depriving them of thousands, depending on number and ages of children.

Some kids would resent that. Even if it was blow it money, buy yourself a new outfit for your 18th birthday, get some driving lessons, whatever. It all helps.

You could save it up and use it for a family holiday at some point. (I know it would take a long time.) A thank you to yourself for doing all of the work. I would not be doing any work to chase him for it though.

Put it all into a bank account and present it to be shared between your children when the youngest reaches 18. Yes, it won't be much, but it will show your children the sum total of their fathers monetary input into their lives and they will draw their own conclusions moving forwards.

Kids won't know where their pocket money comes from. I'm guessing the money goes into Mums account, so it could be any £7 they are given.

Op it's not much but its something that could be used for something. Even if its the kids phone bills in the future.

What do you achieve by cancelling?

I know you have said you haven’t asked about saving it but it’s relevant to whether the kids will resent you for it.

if my mum told me at 18 she could have given me a few grand by saving the money but decided to cancel it instead I would have been abit disappointed