AIBU to think my children would not care about £7 maintenance?

[SquishmallowsS]

AIBU to think my kids wouldn’t care if I cancelled £7 a week child maintenance?

My ex pays £7 a week maintenance for our children because he’s been on benefits for the last 10 years. Sometimes it’s even been nothing because of debts being taken from his benefits first.

I’m honestly tempted to cancel it because the amount feels more insulting than helpful. £7 a week between more than one child barely covers anything these days.

I mentioned this before and people said my kids would be upset in future if they found out I’d cancelled it. But I genuinely can’t imagine children growing up and being angry that their mum didn’t pursue £7 a week from their dad. Who even discusses those details with their children anyway? Apparently they will ‘resent’ me. I wouldn’t think most single parents even discuss maintenance with their children but perhaps i’m wrong?

I could understand it if we were living in real poverty and that £7 meant the difference between having food in the cupboard, the electric staying on, or being able to buy essentials. In those circumstances I can see why a child might later feel differently. Equally, if it was hundreds of pounds a month and the children genuinely missed out on things because that money wasn’t being paid, then I can understand why they might care as adults. But if their needs were otherwise taken care of and they had a stable upbringing, I honestly don’t see most children caring that their mum stopped chasing £7 a week.

Also, my own mum never claimed maintenance for me because my father wasn’t around, and I honestly don’t care. I never went without anything growing up, so it’s never been something I’ve felt upset or deprived about.

AIBU to think most kids wouldn’t care about this?

What parent involves their kids in adult finances though?

They're not going to have a clue it's 'dad's money'.

would it change if he inherited money?

£7 a week saved over 15 years at 4^ compound growth is £7,477 or a whole year's rent of a university halls room for your child..

If you can afford to throw away that sort of money, you can send it my way !!

So don’t tell them where it came from… why do you think your kids need to know the minutia of your finances?

Thank you!! Dads money is pocket money, holidays and ice creams. 🤦‍♀️

He has no living parents. So not for us.

We’ve had this thread before haven’t we?

Then save it and call it your savings. His tiny amount can go towards the electric bill. Even small amounts of money add up over the years it seems a bit daft not to have it and save it.

Could u get it sent directly into savings account so you dont see it.

The interest on winnings count as income.

unlikely, but it’s the same as inheritance in that respect.

People don’t react differently!
You are not asking if £28 is enough (it isn’t), you are saying that as it is not enough then you want to receive even less.

I would not forfeit £300 a year, it is not enough, but still better than nothing!

As I said above, for me it was as much about the needle in his side every month as much as the money. That little reminder that you can try and pretend they dont exist but I am not going to let you!

And people saying £350 is nothing, well it aint much but its £350 in her pocket and not his, and there is a principle.

I would save it and spend it on a nice treat for myself once a year! I really would. You pay for literally everything for these kids, so a) you get something nice as a reward and b) it would send him into orbit if he found out so thats always a nice little feeling!

It’s not him saving it. It’s you. It would be a lump sum saved by you for them, I don’t think anyone suggesting saving it would mean to present it from him (bonkers if they did)

I don't believe your children would necessarily resent it. But that's £365 per year, or the equivalent of sending your ex an extravagant birthday & Xmas present. Or a meal out/nice takeaway every month as a reward for being feckless. I would keep it and spend it on the kids no matter how insulting the amount is (and yes, it obviously is)

Hundreds of times because its so fucking depressingly common......

I think they will just generally one day think what a lazy piece of shit he is. I doubt that unless you tell them, how will they know? But they will certainly know he never worked and never provided for them.

My dad was court ordered to pay maintenance but never did. He basically told my mum that he would not go for any contact as long as she didn’t pursue the maintenance. She, sensibly probably, chose to keep me safe and forgo the money. I never had to have an overnight with my dad. But I was well aware that he provided no support for me whatsoever.

When I turned 18, he made a grand gesture of beginning to send me a whole £200 a month to make sure I was ‘taken care of’. I told him to shove it. When he died not that long after, I still had cheques I’d never deposited because I wouldn’t take his money. I knew what a lazy controlling shit he was.

That said, I would still take his money simply so he has less. Put it in savings for them and give it to them one day (from you! Not him!) for when they need to buy a car. I save £20 a month for each of my dc. They have a few thousand pounds each now.

Totally. It’s actually really irritated me that is suggested and an acceptable idea. Why should dad’s money be special and kept aside or used for fun things (PP said similar). Any teen woukd be thrilled to receive a couple of grand and if told it’s dad’s money it’s going to influence how they feel about everything as wuote a vunerable time for them (I’m turning into adults going off to be independent etc). They probably won’t have given their dad a second thought for years then to be presented with a big lump sum could easily have them spiralling down a “oh look dad did care about me after all - look at all this money he saved for me” because that age a few grand seems like millions and they won’t necessarily consider how little it was weekly and how much YOU spend on comparison. I just wouldn’t do it.

if you wish them to know esp as get older and are budgeting I’d tell them £7 for all of them is paid by dad (even explain via a govt agency ie he doesn’t so himself) to help with their costs. Then (age appropriately) say so “that pays for 1/10th of our electricity this month, or “that covered one jumper each every winter” etc etc. not in a nasty way but they’ll soon pick up how little it is.

Take the £7 per week but save the same amount for the kids from your money. Then when they are older gift it from you, not deadbeat dad.

I would leave it as is. I think it's a slap in the face but you never know what might happen in the future; say as the kids get older he does end up having contact with them. You have no idea what kind of bullshit he might spin them "Your Mum refused to let me see you so I gave her plenty of money to make sure you had everything" or something along those lines.

At least if you keep the payments going then you have hard proof to show your kids if they ever question your version of events. I get how much it sucks but I'd almost see it as gathering evidence against future lies.

£7pw is a terribly low amount. However, it is more than £6.5k over 18 years. Still a terribly low amount for raising DC, but I wouldn’t be turning it down.

I’m imaging they would be somewhat more resentful of the father who walked away and didn’t provide for them. In terms of the 7 pounds, what is is worth to do you work wise? As in how many minutes do you work for 7 pounds and then see if it’s worth your time chasing .

i agree.

the kids don't need to know it's "dads money" though do they that's my point and mum is getting the enjoyment of taking them and getting them to save it...... I don't agree that it is an insulting amount that OP is receiving but that isn't going to change is it if dad is on benefits... its wrong but unless dads circumstances change then it is what it is.....

I don’t think anyone is suggesting it’s not a disgustingly small contribution.

I just think most people think £350 is worth spending
or saving rather than cancelling, you are still a superstar for bringing them up single-handedly and saving it doesn’t mean telling the children anything about it being ‘from dad’, it’s not, it would be money you’ve spent on them or saved for them.

So, I would either spend it on something mundane like toilet paper and cleaning products, or save it for a nice treat for you all one day (not from him, from you).

I have posted before that’s why I said people said my kids will resent me, I’m asking if people feel that’s true.