AIBU to think my children would not care about £7 maintenance?

[SquishmallowsS]

AIBU to think my kids wouldn’t care if I cancelled £7 a week child maintenance?

My ex pays £7 a week maintenance for our children because he’s been on benefits for the last 10 years. Sometimes it’s even been nothing because of debts being taken from his benefits first.

I’m honestly tempted to cancel it because the amount feels more insulting than helpful. £7 a week between more than one child barely covers anything these days.

I mentioned this before and people said my kids would be upset in future if they found out I’d cancelled it. But I genuinely can’t imagine children growing up and being angry that their mum didn’t pursue £7 a week from their dad. Who even discusses those details with their children anyway? Apparently they will ‘resent’ me. I wouldn’t think most single parents even discuss maintenance with their children but perhaps i’m wrong?

I could understand it if we were living in real poverty and that £7 meant the difference between having food in the cupboard, the electric staying on, or being able to buy essentials. In those circumstances I can see why a child might later feel differently. Equally, if it was hundreds of pounds a month and the children genuinely missed out on things because that money wasn’t being paid, then I can understand why they might care as adults. But if their needs were otherwise taken care of and they had a stable upbringing, I honestly don’t see most children caring that their mum stopped chasing £7 a week.

Also, my own mum never claimed maintenance for me because my father wasn’t around, and I honestly don’t care. I never went without anything growing up, so it’s never been something I’ve felt upset or deprived about.

AIBU to think most kids wouldn’t care about this?

Your kids won’t care, no.
but £7 is more than nothing.

so rather than refuse it, save it. Because £7 is better than nothing.

and this comes from someone who’s dad contributed £0 to my whole life. My DM would have preferred to receive £7 a week

I think most kids wouldn't know enough about it to have an opinion one way or another.

But £28 a month has got to come in handy for something.

Thank you, exactly. Sad to see so many adults would resent their mum over their father or the system. Just goes to show women are also blamed

Ok no I don’t think it’s worth that stress. But you do not have to turn it down. Why don’t you set up a bank account up with a new bank and get it all paid into there? You can see the payments but not on your everyday banking app, you can just go about your life and not think about it. Then at some point you’ll remember it and you might have a few hundred in there? And you’ll not have had to think about it at all.

Also don’t chase, it’s not worth it if you have to chase.

Its still about £350 a year.

It's the children's money, not yours (kindly) so yes continue to receive it, perhaps save it for them, yes it's not a lot but it is something and like I say it's yours not theirs.

What annoys me is how differently people react depending on the amount. If someone says £250 a month isn’t enough to raise a child, people understand because they know it doesn’t cover the real cost. But if someone says £28 a month isn’t enough, suddenly they’re expected to just appreciate it because “it all adds up.”

I don’t understand why people can acknowledge one amount is too low, but when it’s an even smaller amount, you’re expected to just make the best of it instead of admitting that it’s still not enough.

What annoys me is how differently people react depending on the amount. If someone says £250 a month isn’t enough to raise a child, people understand because they know it doesn’t cover the real cost. But if someone says £28 a month isn’t enough, suddenly they’re expected to just appreciate it because “it all adds up.”

I don’t understand why people can acknowledge one amount is too low, but when it’s an even smaller amount, you’re expected to just make the best of it instead of admitting that it’s still not enough.

Can someone actually answer why im meant to be grateful for £350 a year but if someone was getting £350 a month for 3 kids they’d be told how awful that was? And this does happen I read the maintenance threads on here.

I cannot understand how it’s not her money? She’s not supposed to put it in trust or anything. It’s to pay her bills. Children don’t have bills they are responsible for.

Personally I do feel resentment towards all the adults, I of course rent my dad the most, for paying no maintenance, followed by the state, but I do resent that my mum didn't follow it up over time. I've been heavily disadvantaged in life by being brought up by a single parent. My mum did discuss regularly with me that he didn't pay any maintenance, it meant he just got away scot free, no regular reminder he had a child. I think it was unfair by all of them. I'd be furious if I found out he was paying and she stopped it. That would be the only contact, acknowledgment I existed to him that I'd have had. I also think your children would love an extra £364 Christmas present, or weekend away a year, or just to spend on sports equipment/toys/favourite food/art supplies if you really don't need it to live off, or just save it, it would have made a huge difference to me to have had any money at all when I left home.

I presume it just goes into your bank and gets lost I wouldn’t cancel it on principal why should he get away with it. Get the child a child friendly bank card and transfer it to them for pocket money if you don’t want it but he should have to pay it. Or set it aside for holiday spending money for your child.

I don’t think you should be grateful, I don’t think it’s enough and can see why it’s frustrating. But I also don’t think those things being true automatically mean you should stop accepting it.

Personally- I don't think you should let him off providing some support for his own children. If it causes him some financial discomfort considering he's on his uppers then so be it. the bulk of the financial committment has fallen to you and I am sure that has caused you some issues at points too.

He is getting away with it? £7 doesnt hold anyone accountable. Most men will be laughing their heads off at only having to contribute £7 a week to raising their kids.

You know your children better than anyone else, sounds like you want to cancel it so cancel it. I didn't consider it my children's business the child maintenance my ex did or didn't pay. If you have your reasons then you can justify it if they ever ask you.

The money is for the children's maintenance, so yes she can choose to put it towards anything that benefits the children. Still their money intended for them. So if she doesn't always get it or rely on it for bills etc. saying don't bother is taking money from the children.

Yes the ex is a shit and it's a paltry and insulting amount but to refuse on it that basis feels like cutting your nose off to spite your face.

I don't think the children would care, no. Although I don't see why you would cancel it - you're essentially giving him £28 for no reason

Why are you angry at people here? You married him. Figure out who you're angry at and address that.

If you don't have to do anything and the money just comes into your account then let it happen.

Being angry and making a point gets you nowhere really.

£7 a week is £364 a year. It's not enough to raise a child but in a bank account it will add up and yes perhaps your kids would resent it if they could have had a few £1000 in the bank from their dad. It's as if you don't want them to have anything from him which is more about you.

Also if you refuse it what if his earnings go up?

Thank you exactly, never understood that either. Maintenance isnt meant to be saved for the children for when they are adults, it’s for maintaining the children and their upbringing.

I agree but “the money is the kids” is the same shit that many men pull because apparently their kids don’t need to have money for housing, food, water or electricity because it might benefit mum at the same time. It’s the language of control from men.

I still think a separate bank account where OP can’t see it is the way to go.

Put it in a Jisa or savings account for the kids when they get to 18.

It would be split between them so it wouldn’t be anywhere near £364 a year each.