aibu to think grandparents are just expected to know their place now?

[justme39]

honestly feeling quite upset and not sure if i’m being unreasonable or not.

my ds and dil had their first baby a few months ago and ever since it’s just been rule after rule after rule. no kissing baby, no picking him up straight away if he cries because theyre trying to teach self soothing, dont call him my baby because apparently thats boundary crossing now 🙄

i’ve kept my mouth shut mostly because i dont want drama but yesterday i honestly felt humiliated. baby was asleep on me and i kissed the top of his head without even thinking and dil immediately goes we’re not doing that in this really sharp voice in front of everyone. atmosphere after was awful.

i do feel there’s a lack of respect if i’m honest. i’ve raised 3 children perfectly well, all grown adults with good jobs and houses etc so its not like i dont know what im doing. yet if i mention he looks cold or maybe he’s overtired suddenly im undermining.

another thing that upset me was photos. i put ONE picture on facebook after he was born because family were asking and you’d think i’d leaked government documents. ds rang me asking me to remove it because dil was really anxious. i did remove it but i wont lie i cried after because it just feels like nothing i do is right.

i’ve also offered loads of help. meals, cleaning, having baby so they can nap etc but apparently they want to figure things out themselves. then dil posts online about how exhausted she is all the time. i honestly dont know what we’re meant to do anymore as grandparents except buy things and sit there quietly.

now ds hardly messages unless she’s included as well which never used to happen

aibu to think younger parents are so obsessed with boundaries and gentle parenting they forget other people have feelings too?

Jeez, I would be absolutely livid if I had made a point of telling someone not to post my child online and they did it anyways.

So very much in the wrong and yet you are doubling down. You have no respect for their parenting, yet expect to be able to grandparent as you please. Amazing.

It's a real shame that you ignored their instruction not to post photos of the baby. You really have no excuse for putting that photo up, and I'm afraid that is going to have all sorts of repercussions. Pretty much from day 1 they've taken from that, that they can't trust you, I'm afraid.

Yes, much of what they're insisting on is over the top, but it's going to take a while for that error of judgment to be forgotten.

All you can do is offer a fulsome apology and then stand back and hope that things will improve over time.

You shouldn’t have put the photo on Facebook without their permission. Facebook is a cesspit and not everyone wants their kids photos on there.

My mother very proudly told me about all the ways she would break my SILs “ridiculous” rules when she wasn’t there and wouldn’t know.

I’ll never want any help from my mother because of that. People don’t want help from people that don’t respect boundaries.

This.

If you were asked not to post online and then did it, that would be frustrating and I wouldn't like the kiss on the head. I think that's just common sense nowadays but if you had apologized as an accident I wouldn't have minded. As for the offers of help etc, as a mum of 2 with my own mother passed away, I would be biting your hand off for help. I always feel so bad for grandparents when I hear things like this. It does seem to be a trend nowadays and they need to lighten up.

Maybe the sensitive mothers will also stop referring to 'my' baby in order to minimise and push put the other parent.
The OP's on a hiding to nothing here as the paternal grandparent. On marriage a man is expected to be a part of only to her family and to obey her will in all things, she has the golden ticket if he doesn't.

This is the problem with hyper individualism. People believe that they own things as if humans can be reduced to a kind of property. Mine. Mine! MINE. This isn't how family works.

OP, please do this - step back. Your DIL will be relieved.

Never post a photo online if you’ve been specifically asked not to. They’re not at all unreasonable there.

Theyre being a bit daft with the “my baby” thing.

I won’t comment on the kissing baby because I know some people have strong opinions about that for good reason.

When they do want help from you, remember how you feel now and tailor your response accordingly.

Well I can perfectly do without family who think they know better for my own child than I do, the door can In fact hit them on the arse on their way out 🤣🤷🏻‍♀️

and yes my baby is my baby. Not my mils baby, not my mother’s baby. MINE and dh’s

DH makes it at the end of the list, no surprise there, always an afterthought.

Where did you see that she knew that she was not supposed to post on Facebook? I don't see it.

They told you not to put photos online, you completely ignored them then got upset when they told you off? Come on.
I'm sure they don't need you to tell them their own baby looks cold etc.

I could have been the DIL in this situation when I had my first. I would have posted something like,
"I've just had my first baby and MIL is being so intrusive. I just need the time to try and figure out being a mum, the breastfeeding is really difficult and painful, and I'm knackered because we're up about 9 times a night. But she keeps wanting to come over and see the baby / "help". I've never felt that relaxed in her company, and I would feel so uncomfortable with her doing my washing and cleaning my house - we just don't have that kind of relationship. I've tried to pull back a bit but she keeps inserting herself into our lives and I don't have the emotional margin for it at the moment, not least because she's very dramatic and has previously cried when I've tried to set boundaries around photos on social media. I feel like she's really possessive over the baby and that she's forgotten that intense feeling of protectiveness that a new mum has - or maybe she never felt that. But I do, and I feel so anxious when she says things like 'my baby' - I feel like she's trying to claim the baby as hers and it sets off all these defensive instincts in me, even though my logical brain knows that's irrational. She also keeps giving me loads of unsolicited advice. I'm trying to figure out the baby's cues, but because it's my first, it still doesn't come entirely naturally to me. But while I'm still thinking about how to respond, she jumps in with "he's too cold" or "he's overstimulated". It feels like she doesn't trust me to do even the most basic tasks of caring for him, just because I'm still learning the ropes."
OP, it sounds to me like you love your DS and DIL, and want to be helpful and supportive. But if your actual actions are landing as "intrusive" rather than "helpful" then it doesn't really matter how kind your intentions were, because they're lost in the gap between what your DIL needs and what you think she should need. It sounds to me like she quite clearly wants some space to figure things out in her own time.

Exactly this.
I’m a grandmother to five amazing DGC and I have a great relationship with my DC and my DIL largely because, as an avid reader of Mumsnet MIL threads, I’ve been very careful to follow their leads.

🥱 so tiring.

Considering I’m talking about my children of course I will name myself first or call them mine first before adding dh.

Why would I write that they are dh’s and my children. So backwards.

I’m pretty sure that a baby’s parents have always been able to set their rules and boundaries about what other people do to their baby.

I do see why you’re upset about some of them - kissing your grandchild is natural. I wonder if you have a cold sore or something recently? Those I wouldn’t want near baby.

However the social media thing was a major fuck up. They’re not being precious about that. Did you know people have been taking photos of children / babies off the internet and putting them into AI that turns innocent images into videos/images of child rape? Facebook is not just sharing an image with a pal, it is posting it on the web where nefarious things can be done to it.

I think it’s a shame when things have to be so regimented. I’ve always tried to go with the flow and only been very firm about a couple of things.

When our kids are with Grandma I’ve always said “grandmas in charge and it’s her rules when we’re not there”. She raised DH and his siblings and I trust her to keep our DC safe! She may do things differently to us and I’m fine with that.

The one thing I was very firm with was no smoking in the house or near the kids (my dad) and no smacking (anyone). Pretty much everything else was flexible.

I would add that I ended up with horrible postnatal depression and took the baby to A&E one night because I was so worried I was going to hurt him - because I believed I was a clueless, terrible mum. And that wasnt my MIL's fault, but I absolutely believe that her behaviour - the constant advice, cleaning around me, her possessiveness over my baby, the refusal to respect any boundaries - really helped to cement my belief that I was utterly, utterly useless as a mother.

Posting a child on social media without their parents permission is out of order. There are very valid and rational reasons for a parent to not want that. It can be quite patronising to tell someone their baby looks cold. Unless they are neglectful parents, it's unlikely they need someone stepping in with things like that.
I can see how you could feel you're walking on egg shells with them and that must be difficult, but it's also difficult for new parents to navigate being a parent and deal with unsolicited advice and people overriding them on what they think is best for their child.

Because he's not your baby? He's your grandson.

They don't trust you around their baby because you keep crossing their boundaries. What do you mean you cried because you can't get anything right? You knew not to post the baby on Facebook and did it anyway!

It's their baby, not yours, and they are entitled to raise their child as they want. Yes maybe they are being a bit precious, but equally its their child and thats their prerogative, your grandchild isnt a posession. Being a new parent is anxiety inducing and its also a very short, precious time. They are entitled to set boundaries around their own child and enjoy that time how they want.

Perhaps if older generations had spent more time in that bubble they wouldn't feel the need to repeat everything when their grandchild gets here.

They're new first time parents. I was pretty anxious with my first and desperately trying to do everything 'right'. I made lots of mistakes and was open to influences that probably weren't helpful. I assumed my parents and inlaws advice was hopelessly outdated (and some was) and I may have been a bit sharp about pointing it out. I was tired, in pain and struggling to recover.

They may well have felt a bit hurt and put out at times, but thankfully it was short lived and they forgave my clumsiness.

@justme39 Give them time, given them the benefit of the doubt and step back a bit - some of what you're doing is annoying them, ignoring their wishes.