aibu to think grandparents are just expected to know their place now?

[justme39]

honestly feeling quite upset and not sure if i’m being unreasonable or not.

my ds and dil had their first baby a few months ago and ever since it’s just been rule after rule after rule. no kissing baby, no picking him up straight away if he cries because theyre trying to teach self soothing, dont call him my baby because apparently thats boundary crossing now 🙄

i’ve kept my mouth shut mostly because i dont want drama but yesterday i honestly felt humiliated. baby was asleep on me and i kissed the top of his head without even thinking and dil immediately goes we’re not doing that in this really sharp voice in front of everyone. atmosphere after was awful.

i do feel there’s a lack of respect if i’m honest. i’ve raised 3 children perfectly well, all grown adults with good jobs and houses etc so its not like i dont know what im doing. yet if i mention he looks cold or maybe he’s overtired suddenly im undermining.

another thing that upset me was photos. i put ONE picture on facebook after he was born because family were asking and you’d think i’d leaked government documents. ds rang me asking me to remove it because dil was really anxious. i did remove it but i wont lie i cried after because it just feels like nothing i do is right.

i’ve also offered loads of help. meals, cleaning, having baby so they can nap etc but apparently they want to figure things out themselves. then dil posts online about how exhausted she is all the time. i honestly dont know what we’re meant to do anymore as grandparents except buy things and sit there quietly.

now ds hardly messages unless she’s included as well which never used to happen

aibu to think younger parents are so obsessed with boundaries and gentle parenting they forget other people have feelings too?

yes i was told not to post baby online and i did which i know was wrong now however i was just excited to show him off as he is my first grandchild. saying my baby part is just a natural expression as he is my family, why would he not be my baby? i’m not threatening to take him away!

Whoa you were told not to and did post anyway, no wonder they're annoyed.

yet if i mention he looks cold or maybe he’s overtired suddenly im undermining

Don't do this OP, your Dil will feel she is being judged and like she's doing something wrong when you make comments like this.

OP I don't know your age but if you're an older generation you might not realise that with AI now people can generate images of babies/children online if they enter photos of them into an AI. This is obviously something parents want to avoid - so many have a blanket social media ban. You were wrong to post the baby - no post on social media is private and anyone can screenshot the image and pass it on and now use it to create new images.

With the kissing thing - our generation (I'm mid 30s) has also been taught about how 80% of the UK population has the cold sore virus, which can kill babies if it's transmitted to them, so all the advice is to never allow people to kiss your newborn.

I hope that clears up why you DS and DSIL have these rules. They seem overprotective and you've not done anything massively wrong - but try to make amends as they will have genuine reasons for these rules in order to keep their baby safe!!

You aren’t being unreasonable. My kids are 5 and 3 and I honestly feel so lucky that both sets of grandparents are involved and my children are so loved.
When my kids grow up, they’ll have the best memories of their grandparents and yes, they are allowed to cuddle, kiss and comfort their grandchildren. I can’t imagine being so anal and controlling.
Dont get me wrong, our parents can over indulge the kids and we’ve had to have words about not giving them too much sugar etc but nothing crazy.

They told you not to kiss the baby and you did. They told you not to post pictures online and you did. I personally don’t mind pictures of my baby online but have a lot of friends who don’t post their children. It was incredibly disrespectful of you to do this. You’re in the wrong.

So you were told they didn’t want photos on Facebook and did it anyway. It’s quite obvious that they now don’t trust you because you disregarded their wishes for their child straight away! If you want to get any trust back I’d follow any rules you get given for a while and prove that you do respect their wishes and earn their trust back.

I think it’s really sad when new parents impose these rules. I get the no kissing, but a kiss on the head isn’t going to harm anyone. I don’t think you should have put the photo on FB though without permission, if they are not sharing photos of him. Unfortunately them (and sorry to say, largely it’s the DIL leading this) behaving like this, just leads to fractured relationships. Does she have these rules for her family too? Sorry to say, but i’d take a step back, and if your son asks why, you can say you are afraid of over stepping, so are backing off.

😬😬 so your excitement was more important than their rules for their child.

You are firmly outside the circle of trust with them to quote a movie.

Also don’t pin this all on dil. If your son didn’t agree he wouldn’t be enforcing the rules as well.

You did not raise them to respect you. And no, it is all individual. My grandparents were treated with immense reverence, we were in awe of them. Gran smacked us if we were out of order and spoiled us rotten at the same time. Our parents thought it was an imposition to dump us on the grandparents and we waited for them to invite us, we could not just rock up at their place. You ds and your dil are morons of monumental proportions.

Again. Back of the head can still pass on herpes if you get cold sores which we all know can kill babies.

Just don’t kiss other people’s children 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Just your son and dil I’m afraid. My dd has already tapped me for babysitting before even getting pregnant, not just daytime but potentially long periods as in military.

I'd say all your problems stem from posting a pic on Facebook. You don't post someone's child on Facebook without asking. But you were told not to! So you basically started your whole status of grandparent with them not trusting you.

I'll admit not kissing a sleeping baby lying on you is a virtual impossibility and a little precious. But if they've set that out as a rule, then breaking it is just you ignoring them again.

Calling someone else’s baby ‘my baby’ is weird though, and it’s always unacceptable to post photos of other people’s children online

Hmmm I can see both sides here. On balance though I think you're being a bit unreasonable. If family were asking for photos you could have sent then to them not posted publicly if they'd asked you not to. The not kissing baby thing is pretty standard advice now given lots of people don't disclose when they are ill or getting a coldsore. Agree she didn't have to snap but try and remember what it's like when you're sleep deprived and someone does something that the health visitor has advised might harm your baby when you've specifically asked them not to. And I think it is undermining to suggest the baby is too tired or too cold, its quite interfering unless you have serious concerns that the baby is going to come to harm I'd keep quiet as it does kind of imply that you think they don't know what they're doing.

Most people cringe a bit when they think back to how over protective they were with their first newborn baby. And I do appreciate that the things you've done don't come from a place of malice at all. But the more you push back against these rules, thr more they won't trust you and the less you will see of the baby.

I'd also hold off from any arguments that you know what you're doing because you've raised kids well. Some kids turn out well in spite of parents and whilst I'm sure that's not the case for you, it shows you have a 'my way was right' type attitude and that you might not want to accept that advice since your children were babies has changed a lot and you might not want to follow it. For example plenty of babies thrived without rear facing car seats or going ti sleep on their back, 30 years ago - but it doesn't mean that those things aren't the right approach now, and most parents would be mad at a grandparent saying 'well it never did my kids any harm'...as maybe not, but statistical evidence shows it harmed plenty of others.

My advice would be to take a deep breath, realise that it's stillborn early days and you're playing the long game, abide by the rules as much as you can without pushing back, to build up trust, and actually try to understand (or at least pretend to) where they are coming from. Eg have you attempted to understand the reasons why they don't want pictures of their baby on the Internet? Read up on current advice and ask (non accusatory) questions. Apologise for doing stuff with their baby they asked you not to. Eg say you've read up on current advice about kissing, you understand why they asked you not to, and you're sorry you made a mistake but you'll try harder in future. And avoid giving unwanted advice unless specifically asked for, or making any suggestions that might imply that you know better. You might have raised children but they know their baby and the current advice best. Remember you all love and want the best for the baby, you have lots of common ground here.

You definitely did wrong with posting on facebook , anyone asking could have asked direct for private photo

Would not bother me but id not say baby was cold etc

yes id bite tongue snd say supportive things , offer help and only give advice when asked

they will chill out eventually really sorry she bit your head off over the kiss , babies heads are scrummy

Why would you call it “my baby”. It’s your grandchild not your baby.

You were told not to post pictures on social media and you did anyway. Why? Thinking you know better?

The more you disrespect people’s rules the stricter they tend to get. If you were following my rules and being supportive I’d think the kiss on the head was and accident, the fact you disregard rules would make me think I have to keep and eye on you and keep you in check.

its really common with mums of sons. I think you need to work on your relationship with your dil and actually be there for her, rather than just offering to look after baby. Make sure you are messaging her directly and not via your son. Make sure you think about what she likes and how you can help make those things happen. When you work on that relationship, and really mean it, it will evolve into them all

Why should they respect you?

You obviously don't respect them!

Their rules aren't hard to stick to, they want to figure things out themselves.

Hardly way out there!

Its just so controlling i have 4 children and have never once treat my parents or pil like this they've all raised children, they love their grandkids i don't need to tell them what they can and can't do.

Posting a photo of baby online when specifically asked not to (and a quick google search will tell you why) is really unacceptable and it’s no surprise it’s put a strain on your relationship.

Kissing a newborn is also not recommended and there’s quite a focus on this amongst new mums atm but I can understand it’s a natural instinct and that might have been a genuine accident.

Commenting on baby being cold etc is offensive to the parents, they are obviously doing everything they possibly can for the baby and that includes making sure they are dressed suitably for their environment.

Honestly in your shoes, I’d apologise, realise it’s not about you and your experience as a first time grandma but about them becoming parents and a new baby settling into the family. Offer help but accept no for an answer, take some food round with you and bite your tongue next time you go, just try your best not to overstep as you all adjust.

Remember you are experiencing this period of adjustment very differently to your DIL who is still physically recovering, running on very little sleep, crazy hormones, a big change to identity, huge changes to her friendships & social life, huge changes to her marriage, her daily routine, her job, her sense of purpose, everything and she’s doubting herself all the time too. Be in her corner instead of pitting yourself against her.

He's not your baby, you had yours, I can see how that's annoying. Told not to post photos and your did. The rest seems excessive, but it sounds like you need to chill out and back off. She's his mum, you're his granny. She'll figure it all out but it's for her to figure out. He's the centre of her/their world. Maybe she'll relax a little maybe she won't but if you want to have a relationship with them you to respect boundaries.

There is nothing more annoying nor stressful than someone coming over trying to 'help' when a baby is a newborn as invariably they just get in the way. Now my mother is one of these over the top controlling types and if I set a boundary she crossed it twice as hard just to try put me in my place but you cannot undermine other peoples parenting and for gods sake do not bloody post pics of them on social media. It is out there forever. That is really not on. I no longer have a relationship with my mother anyway but I really wish I have enforced my boundaries more when my son was smaller.

Totally agree. You overstepped and if you don't sort it out now, you'll never have a good relationship with your DIL. She is at a really vulnerable time and you are making it all about you.

I’d just leave them alone to get on with it OP. They’ll be in touch when they want something.