aibu to think grandparents are just expected to know their place now?

[justme39]

honestly feeling quite upset and not sure if i’m being unreasonable or not.

my ds and dil had their first baby a few months ago and ever since it’s just been rule after rule after rule. no kissing baby, no picking him up straight away if he cries because theyre trying to teach self soothing, dont call him my baby because apparently thats boundary crossing now 🙄

i’ve kept my mouth shut mostly because i dont want drama but yesterday i honestly felt humiliated. baby was asleep on me and i kissed the top of his head without even thinking and dil immediately goes we’re not doing that in this really sharp voice in front of everyone. atmosphere after was awful.

i do feel there’s a lack of respect if i’m honest. i’ve raised 3 children perfectly well, all grown adults with good jobs and houses etc so its not like i dont know what im doing. yet if i mention he looks cold or maybe he’s overtired suddenly im undermining.

another thing that upset me was photos. i put ONE picture on facebook after he was born because family were asking and you’d think i’d leaked government documents. ds rang me asking me to remove it because dil was really anxious. i did remove it but i wont lie i cried after because it just feels like nothing i do is right.

i’ve also offered loads of help. meals, cleaning, having baby so they can nap etc but apparently they want to figure things out themselves. then dil posts online about how exhausted she is all the time. i honestly dont know what we’re meant to do anymore as grandparents except buy things and sit there quietly.

now ds hardly messages unless she’s included as well which never used to happen

aibu to think younger parents are so obsessed with boundaries and gentle parenting they forget other people have feelings too?

Because his hormones aren’t crashing through the floor; his not learning how to breastfeed and getting a baby to latch without discomfort; he’s not recovering from surgery or tears; he’s not still bleeding and passing clots; he’s not exhausted from hours of labour and then straight into burning energy by creating breastmilk.

Any good man in this situation wants to prioritise looking after the woman he loves as she recovers.

Couldn't agree with you more.

I honestly feel sad to see how things are now. The hundreds of rules around babies, like needing a month in a baby bubble before anyone else is even allowed to look at the baby. The constant 'boundary setting' and rules and woe betide anyone who makes a suggestion involving said baby or they are interfering and criticizing. And the going no contact with your own parents for such minor things. Its just bonkers to me.

These are the same people who will complain when a few months to a year down the line, and they are exhausted, that the grandparents won't offer to babysit or help with childcare.

I am very sorry to hear this. Fractions within families, especially after a new arrival, are devastating.

I agree that some therapy for you would be a good next step, if funds allow. Based on what you have said your son has said, it sounds like you have been emotionally manipulative for years. I suspect that you would never have meant to be but - in this instance (with the social media post) you have deliberately and knowingly gone against your son’s and his wife’s wishes and then when called out on it, become so upset that there was no space for them to properly discuss it with you - or for you to properly apologise and take accountability. You became the victim - but it was you who crossed the line. You behaved badly and should have therefore expected some flack. Reacting like that when they brought your bad behaviour is emotional manipulation.

Given what your son has said (see “managing your emotions”) you have been acting like this for years. If you do not respect other people’s boundaries, way of doing things - or even just their opinions and preferences, and instead do everything how you see fit you must expect tension. It sounds like you have been doing this (perhaps unwittingly) but then have been unable to ever face criticism for this lack of respect or for it to be discussed in a constructive way. You have given your son (and his wife) nothing to work with - you do things they find challenging but are never able to discuss or change it - so it just keeps happening. It’s no wonder you have reached this point.

You need to try and step out of your victim mentality and instead step into the role of ‘adult’. Adults should be respectful of each other, respect each other’s differences and be able to take accountability where mistakes are made (and we all make mistakes) and apologise properly. I think some therapy could help you to understand where you have been going wrong. I think it is the only hope you have of re-forging a good relationship with your son and his family. Whether you take this step or not depends, I guess, on how much this matters to you, how willing you are to examine your own part in this and make changes. Even if therapy does not lead to a reunion with your son, it will probably greatly help you to move on from what has happened.

If I were you, I would give your son and his wife the space they have asked for, seek a therapist and do some work on your role in this. In time, when your perspective might have (hopefully) changed a bit, I would write them a letter explaining that you can see their perspective and where you went wrong, the work you have done to change it and how much you miss them and would like another chance to be a part of their lives and your grandchild’s. And if you get the chance, do not make the same mistakes because I doubt you will get a third. I wish you luck.

Women are feeling more empowered to protect their peace and that’s a good thing! Yes, some do take it to the extreme, but this is their baby. Their choices. My MIL had the MIL from hell and rather than choosing to break that cycle, she felt it entitled her to pay that negativity and hostility forward. Because she had to endure it, I had to tolerate her acting and behaving badly. Did I cut her off? No. I had some empathy, even though some would say she didn’t deserve it, but birth clearly brought up strong feelings for her and changed her into someone neither myself or her own son recognised. I put boundaries in place to protect myself, as if it had continued, she’d have forever tainted my memories of being a new mother. I’m still holding onto resentment now, two years later, but my putting in some basic boundaries, I don’t hate her. She’s my husbands mother. She loves him, my children and even me to an extent. If she’d always acted that way, then sure, no contact would have been for the best, but births and new babies seems to really trigger something in her.

In OP’s case, it sounds like there was prior behaviour and this was just the final straw.

This is really good advice, I hope you take it OP and that you are able find a way forward that leads to a renewed relationship with your family in the future.

but DiL refuses to engage with me whatsoever. I’m just a ‘her’ or ‘she’. Very sad indeed.

Has that always been the case?

If not, do you think things would have been better if your son hadn't insisted that "it wasn't fair"?

If you're always offering to clean it might come across like you're saying their house is dirty. Also, no-one should be putting pictures of children online imo. I thought everyone knew the dangers of that by now.

I think that Op needs to be wary of getting in contact when they have asked her not to.

A lot of assumptions there. Who said people are trying to breastfeed for a start. Bleeding? Hmm the longest I ever bled after birth was a fortnight. I No guarantee of tears and stitches. snt the baby a few months old anyway?

Your post was in reply to someone who was talking about their daughter’s mum being blocked from visiting a few weeks after birth because she didn’t want her MIL there. So it was about keeping it “fair” between grandparents, without acknowledging that. So you said in the situation of the mum blocking the MIL surely the dad has a say to, and the point is a month after birth mum and dad aren’t physically in anywhere near the same state.

Why are people assuming the DS hasn't had a day? My DH definitely voiced his thoughts. He only had 2-4 weeks of paternity leave. He wanted to spend it with me and getting to know his new DC, not a constant stream of visitors. Towards the end of his paternity leave is when we went to see both sets of parents.

Now that this thread has nearly reached 1,000 posts, perhaps it’s time to introduce a slightly different theme.
Is anyone aware of OP’s post where she said her husband died three years ago following a stroke?
There has been scant reference to it.
Does anyone feel this is a mitigating factor in her alleged offences, making DS and DDIl’s decision to go NC a tiny bit callous?
There are several hundred posts here damming OPs entire character, some suggesting that nothing can ever change.
OP was clearly in a distressed state when she posted. Three years is fairly recent in the bereavement of a lifetime partner. Apparently she was driven to despair by DS and DDIL’s never ending stream of regulations and rebukes.
Now her beloved son has told her she is never to contact them again.
At the same time she has received hundred upon hundreds of posts from strangers assuring her what a terrible person she is and how she deserves this treatment.
Have any of you brave souls taken a second to reflect what the impact is likely to be on OP, who has made it clear how alone she is. We notice that she hasn’t posted again ( but there again, perhaps we don’t notice).
Tragically, it would be unsurprising if these posts caused her to finally unravel completely.
Does anyone take any responsibility for their words, or is the truth that you actually enjoy doing this?

It’s been this way since day 1. She’s quite happy to take money from us to help get a house, but not build a relationship.

I complete agree with this. I posted a compassionate and supportive message on here. I’m responding to@SixtySomething
Many of the messages though, are angry and heartless. I can’t imagine how the OP is feeling. Haven’t we all made mistakes?

It’s really interesting (and sad) to read how much criticism and mocking there is when parents (mostly mothers) dare to put some rules/boundaries in place.

There’s outrage about boundaries when there’s nothing wrong with them.

It’s healthy to be able to say ‘this is what I need’. Mum, baby and dad are the important ones here and everyone else is not a priority. If mum wants her own mum or her sister there because she’s comfortable to be vulnerable with them and not look her best then great.
Everyone else needs to wait their turn and respect the parents requests.

I know a few women who did this with their second baby because it was such a difficult time with their first.

One had extended family turning up at the hospital after asking people not to come. Family that outstayed their welcome at the house and passed the baby around like it was pass the parcel time.

So baby #2, they did things very differently and had a much more chilled time. This mum has a good relationship with her in laws too and she still had to be really firm.

Apparently she was driven to despair by DS and DDIL’s never ending stream of regulations and rebukes.

What never ending regulations & rebukes?

Op admitted she had been asked not to post a pic but did it deliberately.

It's possible that her behaviour pre dates her husband's death by some time.

If Op's son & dil are finding her difficult atm hopefully they just need space & will be in contact in the not too distant future.

We have a good relationship with my in-laws but they can be tricky, especially my MIL.

She has views that differ from ours and has caused issues (I suspect not deliberately).

My husband at times has distanced himself by his own choice. Not no contact but definitely low contact.

I suspect if you asked them, they would say this was my influence but it absolutely wasn’t and like many relationships, I am the one telling him to call his parents. When I’ve stopped, so have the calls.

I feel sorry for the OP situation, but I don’t think posting comments that offer her validation but continue to damage her relationships with her son, DIL and grandchild are in her interests.

I have posted before on here about posters who would rather be right than be happy. I don’t think the OP is one of these people, I think she wants to be able to find a way through. I also don’t think she should become a poster-girl for those who have their own issues with their DIL and think she should hold her ground.

The facts as I see them are, 1)the parents of the child hold the cards in relation to access; 2) OP repeatedly crosses the parents boundaries, not only in regards to perceived authority, but also physical and emotional safety.

The fact she lost her husband is tragic, but it doesn’t give her freedom to put their child in harms way.

I think there are many grandparents on this thread egging the OP on, because they feels it’s morally right to stand her ground; without clearly acknowledging the outcome to the OP of that path.

A good friend tells you what you need to hear- not what you want to hear.

I don’t think it is intended to be callous but her DS has also suffered a bereavement losing his father not long before becoming a father for the first time himself. He still came and said what he said to the OP and he said the OP’s manipulative behaviour has been going on for years predating the death of her husband. He said that she defends herself from any criticism by playing the victim.
I think the OP feeling sorry for herself while natural at this point might stop her from actually looking at the behaviour that is causing the estrangement from her son. It feels important to not focus on feeling sorry for herself and look at ways to get some support to try and rebuild the relationship with her son and DIL.
I think in the earlier posts the OP sounded full of bravado when she said her half apology was ‘’sincere enough!’ I think she underestimated how serious the problems were in her relationship with her son and when he came over to make it clear to her that they intended to go NC for a while it might be the first time she has taken him seriously. I think the OP being a widow of 3 years must be very hard but she cannot use that fact to try and manipulate her son further without addressing the behaviour that is driving him away.

I actually think she can come back from this if she chooses to respect their wishes instead of continuing a repeated pattern that she has been doing for years.

I don’t think ignoring what her son has said and done and making out as if he is doing this to be callous or being pushed into it by his wife helps either. The rules OP claims are too much aren’t even odd or abnormal for most new parents or the most stringent.

Her son came to her face to face and told her that her behaviour has been an issue for years likely before her husband / his father passed away. It takes a lot of courage and love to come to your parents especially your remaining one and say your current behaviour is hurting me, it is a part of a dynamic that has hurt me for years. I don’t want that for my son. I don’t want this cycle to continue and I need space at the moment and when I’m ready, I will contact you. If he didn’t want to see her again, he would have said so.

OP says she is alone but also mentions she has two other adult children, she posted the baby’s picture on social media for family and she was told not to kiss baby in front of everyone so by her words she her other adult children and family members that she could potentially talk to.

The last three posts are all voices of common sense. I hope you take these on board, OP, and consider acting on some of this very sensible advice. I also hope you can clearly see that it's intended to be helpful and not cruel.

It's possible that this situation may be salvageable. This, I think, is the most positive thing you can hope to take from this thread.

I agree. Kissing a new-born grandchild on the head and calling it my baby is so instinctive. But I also feel that posting a picture online of a new born is too public. I agree with another PP that it would never cross my mind to post a picture like that online.

I just hope this situation hasn't ruined the whole experience of becoming new parents as it will always sit in mum & dad's memory of celebrating the arrival of their first child - it's not something you forget. Sometimes grandparents have to step back and let the parents move into parenthood without unnecessary worry and to make their own decisions for their child. Whatever mistakes they might make are theirs to learn from, to reflect on and to re-assess in the months to come.

Sometimes being a parent is about sitting back and watching rather than insisting you lead the way. If you let them find their own path as adults they will come back and tell you all about it, good and bad, and if you offer support and advice when asked they will thank you. You cannot tell another adult what to do unless they ask for your opinion and even then they might not choose your solution - we are all free to do as we like with our own life but not other people's.

I really don't think supporting the OP in this way is helpful at all. As someone else said above, there are lots of other Grandparents on this thread suggesting modern parents and their 'rules' are ridiculous but, in reality, there are very few things that were asked and the majority of modern parents on this thread feel the same.

We have lived this experience ourselves. My in-laws were cut off (with very good reason!) by BOTH husband and I. The boundary crossing by MIL (and other issues which I won't discuss here) nearly broke our relationship and husband was sick of the same patterns repeating from his childhood. However, I'm sure MIL found her echo chamber and I'm still painted as the 'evil daughter in law' who took away golden boy and her grandchildren, whereas in reality husband was the one to make the shift and put his foot down. Daughter in laws are the easy scapegoat rather than dealing with the issues which, from what her son had said to her in conversation, seem ongoing perhaps even from beyond this relationship.

If OP wants a relationship with her son and grandchild in future, she needs to listen to what he has said, respect it, learn from it and then she'll most likely be given a chance.

My MIL refused to, so she hasn't been in our lives. It has been wonderfully peaceful for us but she has lost out because she refused to accept or deal with the fact she caused so many issues in my husband's life, refused to change her behaviour.

I think the turning point for my husband was experiencing how my family treat him, always with kindness and support, never any criticism, which showed him that how his mother treated him wasn't right. It just shone a light onto behaviours he had accepted as normal but in reality were really dysfunctional.

Maybe this is a similar situation as the broken rules seem to be just the tip of the iceberg from what the son said to OP.

Also, others have suggested thay in the future they will 'change their tune when they want childcare'...that won't happen either. We never went back, we've always been self sufficient, so please don't bank on them coming back for that. I think this is giving the OP a false sense of what might transpire.

OP, I am incredibly sorry that you lost your husband, it must have been a difficult few years but you DON'T have to lose your son, grandchild and daughter in law. Please perhaps seek a therapist who may be able to support you, not only through your grief but also through navigating how you could perhaps find your way back to your family if you respect their wishes. I am sure they would embrace you back warmly if you put in the work to not be critical of them and respect what boundaries they have in place for their child.

I just worry that others goading you/ supporting your side aren't helping and will potentially make things worse if you follow that advice.

If my MIL had done the work and listened to my husband then I think our lives would have looked very different. As it stands, she hasn't been in our life at all as she refused to engage. It doesn't have to be like this for the OP.
I really hope things work out for you OP.

You did not raise your three children in a time where there is information overload, we have studies, social media, books and the internet giving us all sorts of expectations, possible repercussions, ideas but most of all awareness of things you did not know about.

Being a first time parent during this time is stressful without the need of additional commentary in real life.

All of what you mentioned is reasonable for an excited grandma but as soon as you mentioned that you cried when they told you to remove the photo from Facebook, indicates that you are overtly invested and a little manipulating (you became the victim). Given that, it’s no surprise that they feel they need to spell things out to you “boundaries”.

Remember it’s only helpful if the recipient wants/needs it. If it’s something you want to do, behind the pretense of “help” then it’s actually a favor to YOU.

I think you need to be told the role of a grandmother….be supportive and love the parents of the grandchild first, with that trust and respect, the relationship with your grandchild will follow. Leap frog over the parents will not do you any favors. First thing is to apologise for any of the boundaries that you have crossed and start a fresh.