aibu to think grandparents are just expected to know their place now?

[justme39]

honestly feeling quite upset and not sure if i’m being unreasonable or not.

my ds and dil had their first baby a few months ago and ever since it’s just been rule after rule after rule. no kissing baby, no picking him up straight away if he cries because theyre trying to teach self soothing, dont call him my baby because apparently thats boundary crossing now 🙄

i’ve kept my mouth shut mostly because i dont want drama but yesterday i honestly felt humiliated. baby was asleep on me and i kissed the top of his head without even thinking and dil immediately goes we’re not doing that in this really sharp voice in front of everyone. atmosphere after was awful.

i do feel there’s a lack of respect if i’m honest. i’ve raised 3 children perfectly well, all grown adults with good jobs and houses etc so its not like i dont know what im doing. yet if i mention he looks cold or maybe he’s overtired suddenly im undermining.

another thing that upset me was photos. i put ONE picture on facebook after he was born because family were asking and you’d think i’d leaked government documents. ds rang me asking me to remove it because dil was really anxious. i did remove it but i wont lie i cried after because it just feels like nothing i do is right.

i’ve also offered loads of help. meals, cleaning, having baby so they can nap etc but apparently they want to figure things out themselves. then dil posts online about how exhausted she is all the time. i honestly dont know what we’re meant to do anymore as grandparents except buy things and sit there quietly.

now ds hardly messages unless she’s included as well which never used to happen

aibu to think younger parents are so obsessed with boundaries and gentle parenting they forget other people have feelings too?

“Men just don’t care about kissing babies or think about online pictures”

This is so out of touch that you must be of an older generation.

Nearly 20 years ago when I had my first, both me and my husband went to NCT classes where we learnt about birth and how to look after a baby. All the other participants were couples including men as well. From there we both thought about what was best for our baby and have made decisions on parenting together ever since.
Believe me if the no kissing rule had been advised to us then, my husband would have been making sure people stuck to it - because he would’ve known it’s important.

Modern dads are different, they have an opinion on raising their children. Time for you to catch up.

I've learnt to literally not have an opinion on anything and just agree with them when a response is required. It sounds spineless but I've realised our children do not ask or want our opinion on anything. I follow the rules, slip up on occasion but have found this works. Some of their approaches are very good. Others are ridiculous. I frequently remind them that we didn't have the internet, Google, insta etc so they have access to a great deal more info (a blessing and a curse). Enjoy your grandchildren by keeping a tight lip - sadly it works! As for disrespect, Yeap, I've grown rhinohide.

My daughter is closer to 18 now. We knew about the dangers of kissing small babies, babies have died from cold sores, there is nothing need to pass saliva on to a sterile baby with no immune system to the virus. Any parent who is aware of this wouldn’t want to take the risk.
My DS as a toddler always bowed offering the top of his head for a kiss.

FYI the things you mention were also true fourty years ago when I had my first ie NCT and involvement of father.
To find anything substantially different , I think you’d have to go back another 20 years or so ie 1960s; that’s when change really started.
I think the poster was referring to mens’ blindness/ lack of interest in domestic/ family matters so often discussed on many MN threads.
Of course, your set up is no doubt different.

Also , out of interest, we were also told about the dangers of cold sores and not to play pass the parcel with the baby.
It was different in that no one would have thought a DGM, who DIDN’T have a cold sore and kissed DGC on the top of it’s head was doing anything wrong, nor that she should be punished.

My reply was aimed at pp who said “men just don’t care” which is ridiculous. Most modern dads absolutely do.

Having read the post about the son going no contact I am convinced these people are terminally online.

I am willing to accept you may have been a bit annoying OP, especially with the facebook thing, and being emotionally fragile definitely sounds difficult to manage.

But it should take a hell of a lot more than that for a reasonable person to go no contact with their own MOTHER. People like this simply have their values all wrong.

Sorry this has happened, OP. Just wait it out. If you contact them they will never come back.

When they get over their ridiculous rules and regulations, and need your help and 8nput, tell them to do one and get on with it themselves. They are trying to be all trendy and American.

I do think of NHS advice as trendy and American 😂😂😂

What do you think is “ridiculous” about asking that people don’t post photos online and don’t kiss the baby as recommended by official health guidance?

Yes I know it was.
Underlining what pp said ie : there is post upon post on MN about Dads and partners who just don’t participate.
That doesn’t change whatever is going on in your house.
It links back to this thread ‘cos if men won’t do their share, Mums IRL are very grateful for the support/ help, practical, financial and emotional support of DGM. 🙂

I can't believe how many people are on OP's side! There are sound medical reasons not to kiss a newborn baby and whether or not people think this is OTT or not, it is surely a decision for parents to make and others to respect. I appreciate OP may have forgotten herself but the appropriate response is to explain that and apologise profusely when reminded. The risk might be tiny but the parents want to eliminate it and surely that is understandable - everyone has different levels of risk tolerance.

And OP was indefensible to post a photo of the baby on Facebook when explicitly told they didn't want any photos online. There is literally no need or reason to post a photo on Facebook beyond seeking attention. You can share your excitement with friends/family either directly or without using a photo (if that was acceptable to the parents).

That being said, I am sorry you are hurting OP. I think you need to really try and learn from this and make sure they know you are always there and willing to do better in future and leave it at that and hope they come round. If they do, you need to remember that they are the parents and the only opinions that matter with regards to raising this child, is theirs. If they have rules, either follow them or choose to stay away - that is your only choice. If they ask for advice or are putting the baby in serious harms way then say something but otherwise let them do as they see fit.

That’s because no one is creating posts on here about their supportive husband because they don’t need advice. It’s not just me that has an involved husband- the same is true of everyone I know.
Just because there are some deadbeat dads out there doesn’t mean that “men don’t care” about parenting decisions - they do.

I’m so sorry OP. How someone can be so harsh with a bereaved parent is beyond me. I hope you have other support. Please try and keep busy with other things , spend your money on things that make you happy, carve out a different life .Hopefully things will sort themselves out.

I adore my kids and would lay down my life for them but if one of them treated me like this I wouldn’t be rushing to see them if they got in touch unless it was an emergency .

I adore my kids and would lay down my life for them but if one of them treated me like this I wouldn’t be rushing to see them if they got in touch unless it was an emergency .

Treated you like what though?

Are you one of those parents where you can treat your adult child however you want but they can’t do the same?

Nope .

‘I can't believe how many people are on OP's side!’

The people on OP’s side are the ones who have some insight into the pov of the GM, whether through empathy, experience or example.

The people trashing OP are the ones who lack experience and / or empathy, alternatively have a particular experience they are projecting onto OP, regardless of whether it’s relevant.

‘the appropriate response is to explain that and apologise profusely when reminded.’

But thats exactly what OP has been doing. Unfortunately, quite a gang here decreed that her apologies were ‘insincere’ because she used the word ‘if’. Ie ‘I’m sorry IF I upset you.’

Becoming a GP is a life stage . I’m in no way undermining the mother in particular, who has recently given birth,

However, I well remember the feeling of excitement and terror going to see a new DGC, deciding whether to say you look well/ tired. Should I ask if all’s well with the baby etc, etc. Just like the parents have to negotiate being a parent, and sometimes get it wrong, DGMs have to learn by experience what to say for the best. Inevitably there’s no right answer and it won’t always go well.

We do remember what it’s like to give birth but this post well demonstrates that many young mothers have simply no idea at all what it’s like to be a GM and seen lacking in the empathy department.

I think some pple could benefit from a little more thought on the challenges of being a GM and why she needs to be allowed some dignity in their approach.’ None of this ‘Follow orders’!

‘I think you need to really try and learn from this and make sure they know you are always there and willing to do better in future ‘

Yes, she did this.

I always love this argument...

Because people who I have gone NC with at some point or another are exactly the type of people I'd ask for help/input/childcare from... 🙄

Please. Think logically, rather than emotionally.

She was asked “please don’t post pictures on social media” she then posted pictures on social media. You say it’s difficult to know the right thing to do and you need to learn to navigate being a grandparent-but there’s nothing to learn to navigate there. There’s no ambiguity or room for confusion.

And at that point the OP didn’t apologise-she burst into tears. Presumably this is the kind of emotional outburst that her son struggles with.

“dignity in approach” isn’t a carte Blanche to do whatever you like. The parents have a right to bring up their child as they wish. This child is months old-it isn’t that she didn’t do as “ordered” on the first visit so they have gone nuclear. This is months of behaviour around the baby that they have tried to manage, as well as behaviour that predates the birth.

I don't think I am lacking empathy for the OP. I really do feel for her and would be heartbroken if my son went NC with me when older. I wasn't criticising her apology text - more referencing the fact in her original post that she didn't seem to think it was fair DIL snapped at her for kissing the baby and instead decided it was a case of her having to 'know her place' rather than accepting straight away she was wrong.

I appreciate GPs are learning too and aren't perfect and I am sure comments about the baby being cold etc came from a good place and are a perfect eg of this challenge (although equally I do understand why an insecure new mum might feel criticised) and if that was all the issue was then I would think son/DIL were being really unfair. Posting photos on FB against the express wishes of the parents does not, in my opinion, come under this umbrella though. It was a wilful disregard and shows both parents a real lack of respect.

And I really do think GPs (or anyone for that matter) should follow the parents wishes (or orders if that's what you want to call them) on issues regarding health/ online presence etc. It simply isn't anyone's place but the parents to make decisions of this nature and I don't think a GP's dignity has any relevance to that.

Interesting to hear a GPs view though and it is a helpful reminder that it's everyone's first time in these roles 😊

How is following NHS and medical advice the same as being “terminally online”???

the MOTHER (not sure why the caps but I’ll go along with you) ignored their wishes multiple times it seems and it sounds like there was other stuff previous.

This exactly

i don’t think you sound like a horrible person. You obviously love your family very much.
I do think that the birthing person’s comfort outranks everyone else’s feelings for a while. And honestly, this is one of those moments where people remember forever who protected their peace after birth — and who made it harder.

And I think your excitement overrode your common sense a little bit.
times have changed. You didn’t have Facebook to post things up on when your kids were born, and now new parents are able to make their own informed decisions on how to raise their babies. We don’t have to just listen to what our mum’s and MILs say. There are books, groups, doctors, specialists, health visitors, the internet…
I mean, look at how nowadays women work and dad’s are more hands on.

I’m sorry for your loss. That is awful. I think therapy would be good and allowing your son and DIL to be for now. Respect each other as adults 🙏🏼 hope it all goes well. Keep us posted.

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