aibu to think grandparents are just expected to know their place now?

[justme39]

honestly feeling quite upset and not sure if i’m being unreasonable or not.

my ds and dil had their first baby a few months ago and ever since it’s just been rule after rule after rule. no kissing baby, no picking him up straight away if he cries because theyre trying to teach self soothing, dont call him my baby because apparently thats boundary crossing now 🙄

i’ve kept my mouth shut mostly because i dont want drama but yesterday i honestly felt humiliated. baby was asleep on me and i kissed the top of his head without even thinking and dil immediately goes we’re not doing that in this really sharp voice in front of everyone. atmosphere after was awful.

i do feel there’s a lack of respect if i’m honest. i’ve raised 3 children perfectly well, all grown adults with good jobs and houses etc so its not like i dont know what im doing. yet if i mention he looks cold or maybe he’s overtired suddenly im undermining.

another thing that upset me was photos. i put ONE picture on facebook after he was born because family were asking and you’d think i’d leaked government documents. ds rang me asking me to remove it because dil was really anxious. i did remove it but i wont lie i cried after because it just feels like nothing i do is right.

i’ve also offered loads of help. meals, cleaning, having baby so they can nap etc but apparently they want to figure things out themselves. then dil posts online about how exhausted she is all the time. i honestly dont know what we’re meant to do anymore as grandparents except buy things and sit there quietly.

now ds hardly messages unless she’s included as well which never used to happen

aibu to think younger parents are so obsessed with boundaries and gentle parenting they forget other people have feelings too?

I'd say let them be. They are new to this. And yes will have their own rules, which they are entitled to have. They'll ask for help in their own time.
Putting photos on facebook is not on, but what on earth were you crying for? Just say sorry and put it behind you. Just enjoy that they are asking nothing from you for now. Plenty of GPs on here complaining they are put upon for childcare or whatever.

I dont know anyone in real life this precious about their baby. I only read about it on here.

So while you are reasonable to feel upset and insulted, you are unreasonable to feel this is a general problem and that grandparents are to know their place. The issue is your daughter in law, and the similar posters on here, are total twats. And your son is a bit of a twat too for going along with this nonsense.

I would just keep your thoughts to yourself. Eventually they will realise they are being ridiculous. Life is too hard to sustain this level of petty foolishness long term. Especially if they have more babies.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable in almost all respects, but I would be very unhappy if anyone posted a photo of my child on any form of social media. Other than that, I think they sound very over the top.

I joke with my daughter about the passive-aggressive comments that other people around make. In her case it is that baby often wears a layer less than expected - but she has her in a sling - that is the layer. So I say to baby “has mummy forgotten to put your socks on?”. Such comments are real and hurtful.

I always remember that I was a new mum once. It was hard finding my way even when I worked with small children. So I cut them some slack. In fact I absolutely agree with trying to prevent exposure to infection.

A grandparent breaking clear rules about social media is playing with fire.

Ballistic for saying ‘my baby? 😂

I think there are probably large parts of the story missing. Why would you call someone else’s baby ‘my baby’? That’s weird and would annoy me.

I’m not a teenager so I don’t post pictures on social media, but posting one of someone else’s child is odd and attention seeking. Particularly if you didn’t have their consent.

In answer to your title question, I think everyone needs to know their place and not overstep boundaries.

How was your relationship with your son and his wife before the baby was in the picture? That can give an indication of what to expect sometimes.

I don’t think you’ve been particularly unreasonable btw but neither have your son and DIL- it’s just different expectations. Apart from the self soothing at a few months old. Fuck that. And I also get you instinctively kissing the baby on the top of his head- I probably would have without thinking too. But they’re allowed to choose how to parent their own child.

Had they told you prior to posting on FB that they did not want any baby pics on social media @justme39 ? Anyway, their choice and I don't know why you would make a big deal about it. Not kissing- she's probably scared of germs. I will admit that I felt uncomfortable when Mil kissed my babies but I didn't say anything because that was/is a me problem and I love my Mil. I didn't like when she was saying "he looks cold/hot/whatever". It felt like a critisism of my parenting and I didn't feel confident enough with number 1 so I just told her no, he isn't and left it. I know she was just worrying about the baby so I don't hold it against her.

Where I think they are neglectful parents is when they refuse to take a baby that cries in their arms. They think they are teaching their baby to selfsoothe but any psychologist could tell them that it's harmful and they are only teaching their baby that noone will help them when they are sad so it doesn't matter whether they cry. I would send them some info on this and offer to pay for a visit with a child specialist they can talk to.

https://birthsavvy.com.au/the-myth-of-self-soothing/

It’s not all about you. Their baby = their rules. Im sure there were lots of things you did with your children, that your parents didn’t agree with. Honestly there is only so much twaddle you can listen to and boundary crossing. Things l have been told and ignored from grandparents include putting rusks into bottles (why?!), white noise is a waste of time (my children slept through from 5 months and yours didn’t!) and they “hate” the boy names we chose (oh well, we had girls but we would have used those names 🙄)

My daughter in law is exact the same and we hate it. But we stick to the rules so as not to cause upset but frankly it’s crazy

@justme39 I'm nearly a grandma. Squeeeee!

On no planet known to man would I put my soon to be grandchild on facebook. Similarly, I shall not be offering to clean. So, I think you have overstepped.

I imagine dil will have some practices I shall find peculiar. I shall nod and smile.

I think, as an oldie, you have overstepped.

Sorry.

I love it when my mum calls my little ones my babies. It’s so sweet. Obviously we know they’re not her actual babies but I’m her firstborn daughter and they’re by babies, so they’re hers too. I think it’s lovely.

There’s a (I think, bizarre) trend of the “newborn bubble”. New parents are encouraged to send a message to all their family and friends ahead of their due date saying that they will not be receiving visitors for at least 3 weeks after baby is born and they’ll let them know when they are ready. When they are eventually allowed to visit, they must bring food, not overstay their welcome and not expect to hold the baby or even see the baby if baby is sleeping.

Then these same parents are surprised when people lose interest in their family.

I’m currently pregnant with my first - grandparents are welcome as soon as we are home, if not in the hospital (not sure what the rules are). I WANT my mum and mil to help, show me what to do and be actively involved grandparents.

Not kissing babies is pretty standard. I personally know someone who lost a new born because a family member kissed them and they didn’t realise they had/were getting a cold sore so if someone went against my wishes I wouldn’t think twice about sharply reminding them not to kiss my baby.

You also should put photos of other people’s children on social media.

I’d be cross about the photo too. I don’t want my children on social media. If you wanted to share a photo then you should have sent it directly.

Do you sound critical when you mention that the baby might be overtired? No one wants to feel criticised.

But at face value, they’re being a bit PFB about the whole thing.

My In-laws wanted me to make bottles up all at once, didn’t understand why baby was in our room. Rusks in bottles. Expected hugs straight after smoking.

Never did their kids no harm apparently.

Like times haven’t changed 😅

Right? Imagine, actually imagine, this situation playing out in real life. The “ballistic” person would come across as utterly demented.

I think it’s your son and his wife rather than ‘younger parents’. Quite a lot of people in my circle have some rules but aren’t anxious and controlling to this extent.

My mum always says this about my daughter, it’s said with love and it doesn’t bother me. Obviously she knows that she’s not actually her baby. It’s completely harmless.

I agree tbh I’m a young mum but I honestly think some young parents fail to see the other side of this. It’s becoming a common trend. There are things my my and my MIL does sometimes that irritate me a bit but as long as it’s doing no long term harm I would rather just bite my tongue and I have no regrets because she has a lovely relationship with grandparents on both sides and I appreciate all the help.

I don’t agree with sharing a photo on FB. It’s not your baby.
My brother and SIL were very clear that they didn’t want their kids on FB and we all followed that because they are the parents.

It is a very emotional, hormonal time particularly for new mums and a lot of the advice is to prioritise bonding as parents with the baby and being protective of this. My midwife told me off for having so many visitors! There have been awful infections passed to babies from being kissed so understandable they’d be nervous about that.
and to a new mum hearing someone say ‘my baby’ can be quite upsetting .
theyll relax into it and if you respect their boundaries now theyll be grateful of your help later down the line

New parents are encouraged to send a message to all their family and friends ahead of their due date saying that they will not be receiving visitors for at least 3 weeks after baby is born and they’ll let them know when they are ready.

I was in hospital for almost a week after my first child was born. On day 3 I had 8 visitors at the same time - my sister, my next door neighbour and 6 work colleagues - 4 men and 2 women. It was wild!

My MIL called my daughter ‘my baby’ when she was small and I thought it was very sweet. I think people take themselves incredibly seriously if they take offence and consider it ‘disrespect’. There’s a lot to say about boundaries but narrow, rigid and over sensitive boundaries just make you a difficult and somewhat unpleasant person.

Don't call him your baby and don't post photos online would be my suggestion. I understand not kissing on the face especially the mouth but I don't think on the head was unreasonable. It sounds like they are very anxious to get things right with their first baby I am presuming so I would just take a step back and follow their lead

You can still pass on herpes kissing any body part of the child even the back of their head. Which can kill babies.

Just don’t kiss other people’s babies.