aibu to think grandparents are just expected to know their place now?

[justme39]

honestly feeling quite upset and not sure if i’m being unreasonable or not.

my ds and dil had their first baby a few months ago and ever since it’s just been rule after rule after rule. no kissing baby, no picking him up straight away if he cries because theyre trying to teach self soothing, dont call him my baby because apparently thats boundary crossing now 🙄

i’ve kept my mouth shut mostly because i dont want drama but yesterday i honestly felt humiliated. baby was asleep on me and i kissed the top of his head without even thinking and dil immediately goes we’re not doing that in this really sharp voice in front of everyone. atmosphere after was awful.

i do feel there’s a lack of respect if i’m honest. i’ve raised 3 children perfectly well, all grown adults with good jobs and houses etc so its not like i dont know what im doing. yet if i mention he looks cold or maybe he’s overtired suddenly im undermining.

another thing that upset me was photos. i put ONE picture on facebook after he was born because family were asking and you’d think i’d leaked government documents. ds rang me asking me to remove it because dil was really anxious. i did remove it but i wont lie i cried after because it just feels like nothing i do is right.

i’ve also offered loads of help. meals, cleaning, having baby so they can nap etc but apparently they want to figure things out themselves. then dil posts online about how exhausted she is all the time. i honestly dont know what we’re meant to do anymore as grandparents except buy things and sit there quietly.

now ds hardly messages unless she’s included as well which never used to happen

aibu to think younger parents are so obsessed with boundaries and gentle parenting they forget other people have feelings too?

Sounds so familiar ! Can't hold. Can't kiss. Can't wear perfume or aftershave. Not that we wear it anyway.
List goes on
I understand about the photos
We've offered to do washing. Take kids out. Make meals. All refused.
We've become disinterested now as harsh as this sounds. Too many rules and restrictions for our liking. Will always be available if we are asked. Thing is we never are.

I get the social media thing, we don’t have pics of our kids on sm and people generally respect that, I assume because we don’t do it so they know not to do it.

Everything else seems over the top but it is their kid, not yours, so they make the rules 🤷‍♀️

Nope.

Never happen.

Hasn't happened.

I think you perhaps overstepped by suggesting baby is cold / over tired - they need to future that out themselves - also Facebook not ideal if they didn’t want photos on social media. Reaction to kiss is slightly unhinged and being picked up occasionally will not make any difference to his ability to self soothe. I’d ask DS how to reset the relationship

I loved this when my mum said it to my babies. I got so much pleasure out of her getting pleasure from her grandchildren. Everyone (the parents) just needs to chill the f out!!! I wonder whether it’s a harder dynamic when you’re the mother of the dad?

This! my baby is 2 now. But the OP did many of the things my own MIL did and it sets the tone for a bad relationship.
OP, your grandchild is the baby of your adult child and his partner. You need to detach yourself from this, rather than 'they won't let me kiss my grandchild', it's 'they don't want me to kiss their baby' - a perfectly reasonable request.
You won't win if you're putting your needs and wants first,
Think back to your own time after just giving birth, how would you have reacted if your own MIL was like this?

Then you only have yourself to blame.
He’s not your baby, he’s theirs.
You were asked not the kiss the baby which is a very normal request now more is known about some of the risks to babies.
You were asked not to post a photo on social media and you did.

I would bet that the boundaries and rules have increased as you’ve continued to ignore them. They might seem a bit OTT about this but from what you’ve said, I don’t blame them.

You sound similar to my mum who can’t respect boundaries either.

Be supportive, be understanding and show them that you respect them and their parenting decisions.

But OP started out disrespecting them by posting a picture after being asked not to though? And then crying about being called out on it 🙄 how is that trying to accommodate them?

Also she's not showing them any grace and her dil is yhe one currently healing and being full of post partum hormones but you think OP should be the one shown grace 🙄

I think OP should grow up and remember she's raised her kids and to shoe her dil and son some grace and consideration.

I think the fact that they told you not to post a photo of their baby online, yet you still did, speaks volumes. I feel for your son and DIL.

Well clearly the dil and ds don’t like it so your opinion isn’t the one that matters. Like me, they don’t like the grandparents saying “my girl”, and it’s okay for them to not like it regardless of how you feel.

This x10000

DIL and DS are finding their own way in parenthood. They’ve set boundaries, you either adhere to them or unfortunately they’ll back off. You may not agree, but it’s just the way it is.

They are the parents now, not you. what they say goes!

Way too harsh. And black and white.

Millenials 🙄

Why too harsh? Do the parents not have the right to decide their baby photo can be posted online? She was told not to do this and she did. It is very clear!

I 💯 understand where you’re coming from. It took me some time to get used to things from not going to see my DD and new baby for 2 weeks after birth because they wanted to bond as a new family to asking permission to put pictures up. It’s a wee bit annoying at first but once you accept it’s their baby their rules it gets much easier! I do rebel at times when I send them sweeties and parcels through the post though!

I always ask my granddaughter how my favourite girlie is …does my daughter mind,absolutely not !
I met my neighbours baby last week and was very careful not to break any MN rules ,😂my neighbour asked me to pick up her baby for a cuddle because she was tired and wanted her baby to get used to other people! I don’t know the neighbour particularly well but she trusted me as a Mother of three grown up adults.
Edit to say
You definitely should not have put a pic online against the parents wishes

Aye, dinnae post on FB, lass.

Wee peck on the knapper though - fair game 🥰

It was the overgeneralisation - because of that one thing, it labels and casts her personality as completely bad. And then to infer that her dil and son must have a lot to put up with…..not very compassionate.

OP, I think you sound lovely and caring, only wanting to be there for your son and his wife and your new grandson. Naturally.

Little prepares us for early parenthood, and I think it's quite common for new parents to find themselves exhausted and overwhelmed, and grasping for control -including in the most arbitrary ways- as a means to make things seem a little less wayward.

Unless you've grown up caring for younger siblings or relatives' babies, spotting little signs of being chilly or over-tired or needing burping or colic or teething or reflux or when it time to tweak naps or nifty breastfeeding hacks etc aren't immediately obvious so it can be really useful to have those pointed out by a more experienced relative or friend.

So much wisdom, experience and reassurance can be had from sharing the early years with our elders, whether family or community. The whole village thing? That's exactly what it is: we are open to support and to be supported. Be the village in waiting, OP. Praise, encourage and reassure them both, and really support your son, as he's the bridge. Let's hope the long game sees you back into the fold, OP.

The Facebook thing was a mistake but these things happen. As for the rest of it, your DIL sounds like a pain in the arse.

I’m American and it isn’t us.

Oh gosh I do feel for you. My mother in law is the sweetest, most smothering angel we could wish for. She drives us potty sometimes but the bond she has with our daughter is just gorgeous.

Give them time. These days we are more worried about kissing babies, I’d rather you didn’t, but I wouldn’t be sharp about it. I also don’t like photos of my daughter online, but you’re welcome to send them via text to your friends. It must feel so challenging for you when all you want to do is love on them, but try giving them some gentle space to work the kinks out. Your daughter in law might be suffering from PND which could be causing the controlling nature. You sound wonderful, and I’m sure it will work itself out

dont call him my baby because apparently thats boundary crossing now 🙄

He's not "your baby" though is he? WTF would you call him that?

That overstepping massively and I don't blame them for being pissed off- it's fine to be a proud grandparent but you arent his mum so just back off. I highly doubt you'd be fine with your MIL saying that about your son when he was a baby. Why can't you just let THEM have their baby FGS

Going through something similar with my son and grand daughter. Im walking on eggshells and when I said that communication stopped from his side.
😭

Putting a child’s photo online when you have been told not to by the child’s parents doesn’t just ‘happen’. The OP made a decision to do it, it’s not something that happened to her. It’s hugely overstepping and I can believe that anyone who would actually decide to ignore the parents on something like that, is the problem.