aibu to think grandparents are just expected to know their place now?

[justme39]

honestly feeling quite upset and not sure if i’m being unreasonable or not.

my ds and dil had their first baby a few months ago and ever since it’s just been rule after rule after rule. no kissing baby, no picking him up straight away if he cries because theyre trying to teach self soothing, dont call him my baby because apparently thats boundary crossing now 🙄

i’ve kept my mouth shut mostly because i dont want drama but yesterday i honestly felt humiliated. baby was asleep on me and i kissed the top of his head without even thinking and dil immediately goes we’re not doing that in this really sharp voice in front of everyone. atmosphere after was awful.

i do feel there’s a lack of respect if i’m honest. i’ve raised 3 children perfectly well, all grown adults with good jobs and houses etc so its not like i dont know what im doing. yet if i mention he looks cold or maybe he’s overtired suddenly im undermining.

another thing that upset me was photos. i put ONE picture on facebook after he was born because family were asking and you’d think i’d leaked government documents. ds rang me asking me to remove it because dil was really anxious. i did remove it but i wont lie i cried after because it just feels like nothing i do is right.

i’ve also offered loads of help. meals, cleaning, having baby so they can nap etc but apparently they want to figure things out themselves. then dil posts online about how exhausted she is all the time. i honestly dont know what we’re meant to do anymore as grandparents except buy things and sit there quietly.

now ds hardly messages unless she’s included as well which never used to happen

aibu to think younger parents are so obsessed with boundaries and gentle parenting they forget other people have feelings too?

A few things stand out to me here - they asked for no photos on social media and you ignored this and went ahead and did it - really don’t know why you cried over this, when you knew they’d asked not to.
Why would you call him ‘my baby’? I do think that’s really weird.
The main one though that leapt out was you saying he looks cold/he looks tired. It’s just so sodding annoying as a new mum when people do this. It does really read to me like you’re really overstepping, perhaps without realising it - but hopefully this thread has opened your eyes a bit.

Oh, give it a rest. There is nothing wrong with calling her own grandchild "my baby", it's not an actual claim to the child. I'm sure the woman who "birthed it" knows that perfectly well. It's an expression of affection.

And while it's okay to 'follow their lead' in terms of how they want to parent, I don't think it's unreasonable for OP to expect a little respect, and a little grace. It comes down to how things are communicated and she obviously does not feel like they are being considerate towards her, even though she's obviously trying to accommodate them.

It’s context though isn’t it. This isn’t a grandparent who is respecting boundaries. She’s intentionally ignoring perfectly reasonable requests so comments like that are going to sting from someone who is sounding like a nightmare MIL

How could you have posted the baby on fb when asked not to. That's a really evil thing to do.
How can you kiss the baby when asked not to (for health reasons) that's also evil.
You've been called out and you don't like it.
I think flowers and a genuine apology (with no whinging about how you were in the right) are what's needed here.

As a GP, quite frankly once this has started it rarely gets better.
I accepted that her mother would be centre stage and I'd be pushed to the side. We have occasional visits, usually when they want to pick up Xmas/ birthday/ Easter presents and occasional texts. I've got on with my life, send pictures of me doing hobbies etc. I wont plead or beg, its her choice, she also has sons, they may feel differently when they grow up, if they get with someone like mum. On one occasion one of the GC asked why they couldn't visit more in front of mum, I just replied 'I'd love to see you, ask your mother'
I did find out her own mother had pushed her fathers family out. Clearly learnt behaviour.

Bite your tongue.

When they're not looking, smother the wee tot in kisses. Just don't get caught.

They'll both be back at work soon & needing your free childcare services.

The future is your's!

An interesting POV considering that culturally it’s been the opposite for centuries. Hardly surprising that the mum is centred during a baby’s infancy especially in a country without equal paternity leave.

You are being completely unreasonable.

If you step back and respect their boundaries. Stop interfering, stop posting on social media, stop calling the child your baby and kissing the baby

Then likely they will begin to trust you and in time it's likely you will be able to have that relationship you want, and likely the rules will reduce. The rules are only there because they dont trust you and you can't expect people to trust you and want you around their baby if you can't respect what they've asked you to do, even if you do think some of it is a bit silly

You’ve overstepped and even on this thread you’re doubling down on it rather than accepting you’ve made mistakes.

What an earth makes you think they would currently leave their baby with her.

Advising her to just do whatever she wants.

You’re the type of mil who once caught will be crying on gransnet that you’ve been cut off for no reason at all.

Evil? Seriously? Forgetting herself and instinctively kissing the back of the baby's head was evil? A mistake, yes, but let's not exaggerate.

They gave you a test.
An incredibly simple test - all you had to do was literally not post a photo on Facebook.
You failed. And have still managed to make yourself the victim.
You are lucky they have not gone NC.

I think it is natural to be anxious with the first baby and, for some, this comes with rule making.

However, it is really sad when it effects the baby bonding with family.

No need for FB photos.

No need for kisses (risk of herpes in tiny babies).

But I think new parents should be encouraging grandparent relationships as much as they can.

We have a 2 and 6 year old and they Adore their GPs.
There have been times where GPs have done things I've not agreed with (too much screen time, sugar galore, keeping them awake at nap time, unwelcome comments on breastfeeding), but it's a small thing when I think of how much they add to DC's lives. So I keep schtum!

I must say, I agree with this!

Parents can be a little over the top these days, but all of the above would have had me keeping you at arms length.

My gd adores me :)

Helped look after her since week 1 twice a week then once the parents went back to work nearly every day!

Still do school runs. She's 9 now. Stays over loads.

PS I've never, ever posted photos on social media.

She's not really trying to accomodate them though is she? She's posted the baby on social media when they asked not to. She's kissing the baby when theyve asked not too, giving advice when they've asked not to and calling their baby "my baby" when they've asked not to

The OP is not being respectful or "accommodating" in the slightest.

I normally sympathise with Grandparents in these situations however both examples I’m with your DIL.
Kissing babies and passing on HSV can be fatal, so yes I think her worries are justified
Also, asking family members not to post pictures on SM is also very reasonable given they don’t know who your contacts are. I would never share a picture of somebody else’s child without permission
Your offers surely are very kind but it’s possible your DIL isn’t accepting of them because she is concerned that you are going to cross boundaries

Sorry but why is it difficult for you to follow some rules and NOT give unsolicited advice?
yes you are supposed to know your place, you are not a parent, you are a grandparent.
is that what’s the issue, you feel that your place as an expert and matriarch has not been given to you?

I suspect you are a lot more overbearing than you let on here

I’m sorry @justme39 that sounds really difficult. I wasn’t and am not like that with my MIL. But if you possibly can try to be the bigger person. You’re not doing anything wrong. Likely she has consumed awful social media that’s made her very anxious and convinced something awful will happen. So try to see your DIL as mentally vulnerable as a new mum rather than being intentionally unkind. I know that is hard. But in the long run she’ll realise and soften.

The OP has already accepted that she was wrong to post the photo on Facebook, but in what world is it evil for a loving grandparent to kiss the top of their grandchild’s head? The world has gone quite mad. 🤣🤣🤣

I'm afraid, OP, you are the GP on the father's side. If it's one thing I've learned on MN it's that they don't count..

I'm sure things will sort themselves out.

I would be insisting on a means of messaging my child without "copying in" the spouse.

Best of luck x

Saying my baby is a bit like say my darling or my sweetheart is that not allowed when you’re a grandma in the UK?

You have had your baby.
This is their baby

you had your time of kissing your babies on their heads and anywhere else you wanted
you can put as many photos of your babies on social media as you like
you cannot put photos of other people's babies on social media.

Their baby their rules

you had your baby your rules

Don't let let being the GP on the father's side become a thing. Screw that.

I had regular morning tea with the SIL's parents & even lunches out. I made sure that being the GP on the mum's side was no more special than the dad's.

Sadly, they died by the time the wee one was 3.

Where in God's Name is people's humanity?