AIBU to question what my fiancé expects of me as a stepmum?

[Theworldonfire]

Hi,

i’m engaged to a man who has a child (aged 7). I’ve be with my fiancé for 4 years, and in his child’s life for 3 years (we waited to introduce me to his child as they’d had a lot of disruption in their short lives).

this is my first time in a relationship with someone who has a child. From the beginning I really tried my best to be kind, loving and caring towards my stepchild. I feel like I am a good stepparent and that stepchild likes me, maybe even loves me. I love my stepchild, I love it when they’re here, love chatting and playing with them (as long as it’s not with figures haha), love our family days out.

I don’t want to assume a mother role as my friend has a stepmum who did this and she resented her (still does) that she tried to be that to her. There’s a few things I don’t do, bath times and school stuff. I feel that’s overstepping the mark

fiance has recently said I need to be “doing more” and that “you’re a parent now, so you need to think of these things, you need to do XYZ”. He’s very critical if i have an appointment or seeing a friend on the days stepchild is at home with us.

he also said that I should love stepchild as my own. I don’t know what this means - I’ve never had a child, I don’t understand what that love is. And then I got thinking, I don’t “miss” stepchild when they’re not here, I don’t feel an urge to rush home to be with them. I’d do anything for them, but I don’t feel intense love.

fiance has said that I am very privileged to be a stepmum, and that I should be over the moon. He also said that he doesn’t me separately to being stepmum, for example, he said im a family member, and so it doesn’t matter if im his partner or stepmum. he said when stepchild is here, we can still function like a couple but include them in dates, eg. Date night with us all.

Im really confused. Should I be doing more? Am I a terrible stepparent?

He’s a manipulative cunt isn’t he.

If this isn't a wind up then it's just another lazy man trying to put the responsibility of his child on to someone else. Tell him to fuck off!

Absolutely this.

He’s trying to do a right number on you. You’d be insane to marry him

Run for the hills. He's using emotional blackmail. Don't create a child with this man.

How many more red flags do you need?

That poster is probably a 'nanny with a fanny' who doesn't like the truth.

Op… how is his relationship with his child’s mother? Does he talk well about her or blame her for all his problems? Is she a bad person who is not safe around her child? Has she ever got a restraining order against him? or has he had to see his child at contact centres?

I cannot imagine a reason why he may have that as a dying wish unless the child is severely neglected under their mother’s care OR most likely, he sees his contact time as way to continue to control or hurt the mother.

Careful there, don’t get married until you get the full picture. It seems you are starting to see his real self now he thinks he has control over you after accepting his proposal. This may not get better, I would say it will get much worse the more control he thinks he has over you.

I found the book Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin hugely informative and useful determining how I thought I should shape my relationship with my stepchildren, and what my partner should expect of me. Think kindly aunt rather than replacement mother. You can't step in as full parent as you are not full parent and don't have PR. If you were to marry him, that might be different... but even then.

He sounds hugely overbearing the way he is imposing his views on what you should be doing. Goodness only knows it sounds like you're a wonderful step parent, without the legal rights and benefits of being married. But you need to negotiate with him your limits, and those include not always being on call for his kid and perhaps going away the odd weekend when he has her (I would now make a point of it). I agree with the first poster - he expects nanny with a fanny. Before you know it, he'll expect to step away and for you to discipline.

Men love to be fun / hero dad, and you are his route to that, but it's poisonous for you. Quite early on in my SC relationship I told my now DH that he had to step up and discipline, because it would never be the same from me.

⬆️ all this. @WhatHappenedToYourFurnitureCuz had written word for word what l think. His take on your privilege is especially hilarious

Out of curiosity why did the relationship with the mother of his child breakdown? Let me guess, he didn’t want to pull his weight and expected her to do most of it

Run. Find a man without kids. I truly don't understand young people who shack up with people who already have kids.

First comment has it.

"You're a parent now" lol, so the child doesn't already have a mother? Nah mate, I wouldn't "run" like others are saying, at least not immediately, but he certainly needs putting in his place about what he expects from you.

The reality too is that many don't love SC as much (sorry to any SC here - you may have a different relationship) so your fiancé is somewhat unrealistically asking you to fight your biology. I would throw myself into a pit of lava for my own DD. I would also do it for SD now who is just the loveliest girl and we have built a strong bond. But my SS? Divisive, arrogant and slightly problematic in his imposition in our relationship - I do loads for him. But I never miss him. Maybe in time you will miss her and feel love

He’s every stepmum’s worst nightmare. Just another deluded, controlling, selfish, lazy, manipulative man who makes being a stepmum sound like a miserable slog.

Well as far as i'm aware that's not how it works legally.

People can't nominate you to take on their student loan or any other debt when they die, so why does he think you have to take on 50% custody if he pops his clogs? What a melt.

Walking red flag

My aunt was a stepmum, and the daughter's mother was not terribly present. My aunt and her step daughter had a lifelong and wonderful relationship: the step-daughter pre-deceased my aunt (but not her dad) and my aunt was devastated and I think it is what led to her own death.

All of which to say: it is possible for step kids and their step parents to have great relationships (sometimes even better than with birth parents). Chris Packham kept in close touch with his step daughter after he divorced her mother (not sure why that came to mind but there you go).

BUT this relationship is created by the two people involved, and not by a third party (in this case your fiance) dictating what that relationship should look like. That is where the concern is coming from.

Does your fiance have concerns regarding how the mother is looking after this child?

You're not a parent.
You're not technically a step parent yet.
You don't have parental responsibility for your fiancés child.

He's expecting you to do half the work while his child is there, but it's his responsibility not yours.
You seem to have a really good balance of being a responsible adult in the child's life, you love them at a distance, you engage with them.
He just wants you to play mummy when it's not your job.

He sounds incredibly controlling and I dare say he was with his ex. Especially not wanting the ex to have child full-time if he died, he’d rather have the child be apart from their only existing parent for 50% of the time, just to spite them potentially.

This guy was looking for a bangmaidnanny so he can have a 50/50 custody schedule and not pay maintenance while having someone in house that does the childcare. He wants you to do more so he can do less.

Don't be that sucker.

He's lazy and a shit father. Don't marry him.

Next time he says you're a parent now, tell him his child already has a mother and father. See what he says to that.

And his idea that you can pass on custody in a will is stupid, especially with a surviving parent.

Don’t stay with this man, move into your own house and find yourself someone normal to grow old with.

So many red flags!

Run for the hills. So many red flags. He is even suggesting that even after his death he will try to control the time the mother has with her own child. Do not have a child with this man it will not end well for you. Does he also talk negatively about his ex? You can do better than be emotionally manipulated by this man.

I have children myself and a partner who is childfree but for the love of god, run away from this man!!!!

Everything you’ve written about him makes him sound like a big, gigantic, humongous waving red flag.

Yeah, OP, you're a woman FFS. You should WANT to devote your life to the service of men and children! You should be kissing his feet for the opportunity! /S

Do you plan / want to have kids with him? You've had fair warning on whose job childcare will be, as far as he's concerned.

fiance has recently said I need to be “doing more so I don't have to” and that “you’re a parent now, so you need to think of these things, you need to do XYZ so I don't have to”.

That's what he means. I'd run a mile personally