AIBU to question what my fiancé expects of me as a stepmum?

[Theworldonfire]

Hi,

i’m engaged to a man who has a child (aged 7). I’ve be with my fiancé for 4 years, and in his child’s life for 3 years (we waited to introduce me to his child as they’d had a lot of disruption in their short lives).

this is my first time in a relationship with someone who has a child. From the beginning I really tried my best to be kind, loving and caring towards my stepchild. I feel like I am a good stepparent and that stepchild likes me, maybe even loves me. I love my stepchild, I love it when they’re here, love chatting and playing with them (as long as it’s not with figures haha), love our family days out.

I don’t want to assume a mother role as my friend has a stepmum who did this and she resented her (still does) that she tried to be that to her. There’s a few things I don’t do, bath times and school stuff. I feel that’s overstepping the mark

fiance has recently said I need to be “doing more” and that “you’re a parent now, so you need to think of these things, you need to do XYZ”. He’s very critical if i have an appointment or seeing a friend on the days stepchild is at home with us.

he also said that I should love stepchild as my own. I don’t know what this means - I’ve never had a child, I don’t understand what that love is. And then I got thinking, I don’t “miss” stepchild when they’re not here, I don’t feel an urge to rush home to be with them. I’d do anything for them, but I don’t feel intense love.

fiance has said that I am very privileged to be a stepmum, and that I should be over the moon. He also said that he doesn’t me separately to being stepmum, for example, he said im a family member, and so it doesn’t matter if im his partner or stepmum. he said when stepchild is here, we can still function like a couple but include them in dates, eg. Date night with us all.

Im really confused. Should I be doing more? Am I a terrible stepparent?

RUN!! This is so weird honestly.

It isn't his place to define what sort of step-mum you should be. It is mostly up to you. Obviously, the child has some control too (for example, if they didn't like you it would influence how you were with them).

HE is the parent. You are the step. He needs to do most of the heavy lifting. You are the fun addition.

Put him in his place. He's lazy.

Man here, had 50/50 care with child post-divorce, then a step-mum in a new relationship.

It was good that the process of meeting the child seems to have been well-handled and taken slowly. That's a plus.

For a step-mum it is a hard balance to strike. You are not the mum, and not the parent, and not really a friend to a young child. In my case I didn't expect all that much, and anyting that develops is a real bonus. Had I died, I would have expected the child to retain some contact with the step-mum (the child would have wanted that) but nowhere near 50/50 and more like an aunt. Maybe an aunt level of relationship much of the time, with more contact in practice? Of course, over time things change and hopefully will get closer.

So he's also going to try and control you beyond the grave?

Weird and disturbing.

He wants you to have his child 50% of the time if he dies? Why?! That’s crazy, no way would his ex ever agree to that….!

Why are you with this man? How does he improve you life? I don't mean, "how does having a partner generally improve your life?" but this one individual in particular - what does he bring to the table?

This man is either completely unhinged or a master manipulator. Probably both. Ruuuuunnnn

Different view, came into my step daughters life from age 5 did everything I later did everything for her as I assumed a mum step mum would. Even tho that relationship broke down when she was 7 and I later re-married I continued to see and have her to stay every week with her mum's approval since she was no longer allowed to be around her dad one of the big reasons I had to leave...once had my own tribe she fitted in and now at 21 she still is here most of the week and is treat exactly the same as my own kids and have a lovely relationship. Have done everything homework, baths, talked thru problems but it probably helps I get on great with her mum aswell

Wow, I could say so much about thus, but ultimately Please dont marry or have a child with this man.
You are not the mother, you cannot feel or be the same as a birth mother, you didn't live the pregnancy, or the baby years.
its not your responsibility to be Mother you do not have legal responsibility. You can go out when his child is in his care. The same as the birth mother or any partner could. You are not joined at the hip, neither to Him nor the child.
You will not be (on paper) legally the kids mother EVER.
You are not a clone, you are a new partner person who is prepared to love & care for the child.
Noone wants to date night out with the kids. Actually “Fuck off mate” sound like a good réplique
Basically he doesn’t get to make these rules. If he doesn’t like it then he needs to find another poor woman.

Yes even with my limited reading comprehension skills, which I will actively try to improve as suggested by a previous poster I see it for what it is. Another reason to make women who are trying to navigate the chaos of step parenting feel like shit.

LTB, of course. For all the above reasons given by others.

He wasn't looking for a partner, he was looking for a nanny he didn't have to pay. Run before you really do have your own.

That’s not how I read what PPs are saying - they aren’t saying all SMs are that, they’re saying (clearly and explicitly) that this particular man is treating her that way.

It’s funny because there’s often a narrative that MN hates stepmothers, but here I see people looking out for this woman’s best interests.

What would your advice be for her? Should she just knuckle down and be a better stepmum? Do you not think it’s unpleasant and controlling of him to expect her to act the way he wants her to?

Sounds like a wonderful relationship.
It's one thing if it just happens organically, but it's quite another for a man to expect that if he dies his partner should take the child 50/50.

It's deeply disrespectful to the mother and to her role and it's like he's treating the child like a possession that he owns half of.

What is his relationship like with his ex OP?

That’s entirely bonkers of him!! He can’t have a dying wish when he’s not even dying, but also he can’t change the law so that you would be able to do that automatically.

Plus does he really expect you to start preparing for that day??

So maybe I’ve missed it, but I can’t see any real advice from you for the OP. You just seem to be criticising other posters.

What do you think she should do?

Oh my gosh, RUN AWAY!

I'd run a mile from this

Two colleagues at work got together (a long story) and he had two kids from his first marriage

He saw her coming (slightly large age gap) and within the first week of them getting together dumped the kids off into her

She ended up paying the csa money out of her wages ('he cant afford what she/the csa demands!') and spent a fortune on their bedrooms/christmas/birthdays/days out/holidays etc ('I just want things to be nice for them!')

She spent all her money on them/babysat at the drop of a hat/cooked/cleaned/ran them everywhere etc while he sat on his arse,smirking at her and allowing this

She then married him and had his baby and surprise!
He's just the same with the baby

He does fuck all with that one too and expects her to do everything for all 3 instead of 50% of their joint child

She looks permanently knackered and is skint but has him and his mum telling her what a grand job shes doing (his mum doesn't want to be her again)

He does 'do his bit' by running her to and from work (and thats all he does) and shes pathetically grateful to him

Don't be her-this child is not yours,shes his and he sounds just like my colleague

he also said that I should love stepchild as my own.

No man, ever, has the right to tell you what you 'should' feel. He doesn't own you, he doesn't own your feelings.

Yep, run. Run fast, run now and don't look back.

Would he hand his child over to a stepdad 50% of the time if his ex died?

Bonkers!

What a bloody drama llama he is @Theworldonfire . So he intends to continue controlling you and his ex even after he dies. He sounds lovely.

There's something not right here Op, he expects you to go on doing 50/50 if he dies? A normal man expects you to be kind to his children, he doesn't expect you to be obsessed with them or feel honoured to be their stepmother. I'd be giving serious thought to getting out of your engagement @Theworldonfire.
Have you met his Ex at all because I'd be very interested to know why they broke up

He sounds like a right dickhead with the "dying wish" bollocks

Run a mile, he wants you to do his parenting for him

Which is great, but presumably you did it because you wanted to, not because he “got upset” the minute you showed any hesitation about taking on that role?

Also, the absence of the father and the fact that you get on well with the child’s mother makes a difference: we haven’t been led to think there’s any of that going on here. I don’t think it’s fair to expect her to do all that if she, and the child’s mother, don’t want her to.