AIBU to question what my fiancé expects of me as a stepmum?

[Theworldonfire]

Hi,

i’m engaged to a man who has a child (aged 7). I’ve be with my fiancé for 4 years, and in his child’s life for 3 years (we waited to introduce me to his child as they’d had a lot of disruption in their short lives).

this is my first time in a relationship with someone who has a child. From the beginning I really tried my best to be kind, loving and caring towards my stepchild. I feel like I am a good stepparent and that stepchild likes me, maybe even loves me. I love my stepchild, I love it when they’re here, love chatting and playing with them (as long as it’s not with figures haha), love our family days out.

I don’t want to assume a mother role as my friend has a stepmum who did this and she resented her (still does) that she tried to be that to her. There’s a few things I don’t do, bath times and school stuff. I feel that’s overstepping the mark

fiance has recently said I need to be “doing more” and that “you’re a parent now, so you need to think of these things, you need to do XYZ”. He’s very critical if i have an appointment or seeing a friend on the days stepchild is at home with us.

he also said that I should love stepchild as my own. I don’t know what this means - I’ve never had a child, I don’t understand what that love is. And then I got thinking, I don’t “miss” stepchild when they’re not here, I don’t feel an urge to rush home to be with them. I’d do anything for them, but I don’t feel intense love.

fiance has said that I am very privileged to be a stepmum, and that I should be over the moon. He also said that he doesn’t me separately to being stepmum, for example, he said im a family member, and so it doesn’t matter if im his partner or stepmum. he said when stepchild is here, we can still function like a couple but include them in dates, eg. Date night with us all.

Im really confused. Should I be doing more? Am I a terrible stepparent?

Good grief OP - he's all kinds of WRONG.

Get away from him as fast as you can or, I can promise you, your life will be utterly miserable.

Please do not marry this man. He is completely unreasonable in his demands and this will only get worse when you are married (and even more so if you have children with him).

Of course an adult in this position should be kind and supportive towards a child. But no one can demand they 'love them like their own' and no one should demand that someone else parents their child or is always present.

His attitude is the problem. It's clear he just wants his workload eased.

I have 3 stepchildren (adults now) who I love and would do anything for. I also have a 4yo DD and the connection i have with her is just incomparable, it’s deep rooted and primal. You can’t just ‘have’ that depth of love for other children I don’t think. But this doesn’t make you a bad step parent. In fact you sound great, in my experience it’s much better not to pretend to be their mum. Your DH sounds like an almighty twat who wants to control your life and do his parenting for him.

You don’t need to be doing more now, he does.
You don’t need to be a parent now, he does.

Marriage will trap you in a role you don’t want to be in and he is trying to guilt you into taking regardless.

Doesn't see you as his partner being different from a stepmum? Huge red flag. These words will come back to haunt you and he will use them against you. He will tell you knew what you were getting in to or why did you marry him and guilt you into being a nanny so that he can relax and go out more.

Escape.

Start a family with someone else.

Your fiance sounds like a pain in the hole. He cant tell you how you should feel, I think he is bloody lucky that you are so loving towards his child. And how on earth would he know what a stepmother should be? He isn't one.

He is deciding that you are obligated to do all of those things, when they should be YOUR choice.

So when you raise questions, his response is to jump to "You don't care about my child", as a manipulative guilting attempt.

Don't marry him @Theworldonfire he will only get more unreasonable in his demands to you.

One thing to bear in mind OP. If you do marry, have children, then divorce, your precious babies will be raised 50% by whichever unknown woman he manages to persuade to take on the task, whilst insisting she pretend she is their mother.

The thing that really worries me is he's telling you how you 'should' feel! There's no should when it comes to feelings.

You sound like a lovely person. Don't be guilted into being taken advantage of.

Im a step parent, as is my husband, as we both have a child from a previous marriage. We both acknowledge to each other that the relationship with each child isn't exactly the same - how can it be? That doesn't mean something is wrong and that we don't love both children.

He won't marry her. He'll probably bugger off and dump his children on the nearest female.

@blossomtoes I couldn’t agree with you more…..I have been a step mum for 19 years and never once did my DH even think of coming out with that shit…..I have an amazing relationship with my step daughters…one which we built at our own pace….do not be dictated to by this man…..x

This, he wants you to parent for him.

Everyone is jumping to the conclusion that your finance is trying palm the child off onto you, I read it as family time, three of you. Which is it?

@MayRibbons , Chris Packham kept in close touch with his step daughter after he divorced her mother
He wasn't married to or living with his 'step-daughter''s mother.

You're not his step mum because you're not his wife and if I were you, I'd be having a long hard think about whether that would ever be the case.

You sound to have the step mum/ partner right
however he does not want to parent his child he sees it as your job now
run run run

The OP is expected to not have any life that interferes with the time the SD is with them.
He’s very critical if i have an appointment or seeing a friend on the days stepchild is at home with us.

I’ve been a Stepmum for over 30 years. Never once have I acted as a parent or been asked to. I have discussed parenting issues with my DH but always made it clear that final decisions for his children lay with him and his ex. My SC are all adults now but when they were kids I was often out with my friends or doing my hobbies when his kids were there. To be fair it wasn’t that often as I enjoyed being with them.

i also have an adult son who is not my DH (we met when my son was 6 and his kids 9, 11 and 12) and I frequently visited my family with my son on our own as DH did not wish to go. Not a problem.

we had an agreement that unless it was important to the other one to be involved in decisions regarding our respective kids we each had the right to make decisions and do things with our own children that didn’t necessarily involve the other.

BTW as adults I am more of a ‘friend’ to my SC and certainly not a mother (although I do have maternal feelings for them, worry about them BUT not as much as my own son)

I'm a mum, not a stepmum, and I can see friends and book appointments. I do have to let dh know what I'm doing in advance (and vice versa) and some weekends we plan time together as a family. A stepmum has less obligations but it's still probably useful to plan in advance more with a child.
I wouldn't be with someone who told me I shouldn't go out with friends ever.

He is deluded. He is stating his wishes as if they are objective facts. He is not listening to your needs. I don't think it will stop with this. Once you are married he'll have strong ideas about your shared money, about how you should live. And he doesn't seem to have the ability to talk and reach compromises. It's not worth it!

I may have mis-remembered then, from the programme he did about ASD. What I remembered was his first wife divorced him, and she had a daughter by a previous marriage that he had been step dad to since she was quite young, and kept in touch with (At the time he made the programme, he had a new partner who he wasn't living with.) I may not have remembered that correctly, though.

Sound like you're a free babysitting/taxi service.
HE is responsible for HIS child, not you.

In your shoes, I'd be tying my trainers on tightly and running.

Run , as fast as you can away from this situation. All the parenting will be put onto you and he will do nothing. Privileged indeed. The fuckin nerve of him . Leave and don't be stupid enough to marry him

That is so fucking weird! If my ex-husband had died while my children were young, there is no way that I would have shared my kids 50/50 with my ex's widow.

He sounds very intense and obsessive about you taking on a parental role with your step-daughter. You seem to have a really nice relationship with her without taking over from her mum.

This should ring some alarm bells for you. If your step-daughter's mum had died, I could understand why he might want you to take the place of her mum. As that isn't the case, I find his behaviour very odd indeed.

This!

Please don't marry this manipulative or deluded, or both, man.