AIBU to question what my fiancé expects of me as a stepmum?

[Theworldonfire]

Hi,

i’m engaged to a man who has a child (aged 7). I’ve be with my fiancé for 4 years, and in his child’s life for 3 years (we waited to introduce me to his child as they’d had a lot of disruption in their short lives).

this is my first time in a relationship with someone who has a child. From the beginning I really tried my best to be kind, loving and caring towards my stepchild. I feel like I am a good stepparent and that stepchild likes me, maybe even loves me. I love my stepchild, I love it when they’re here, love chatting and playing with them (as long as it’s not with figures haha), love our family days out.

I don’t want to assume a mother role as my friend has a stepmum who did this and she resented her (still does) that she tried to be that to her. There’s a few things I don’t do, bath times and school stuff. I feel that’s overstepping the mark

fiance has recently said I need to be “doing more” and that “you’re a parent now, so you need to think of these things, you need to do XYZ”. He’s very critical if i have an appointment or seeing a friend on the days stepchild is at home with us.

he also said that I should love stepchild as my own. I don’t know what this means - I’ve never had a child, I don’t understand what that love is. And then I got thinking, I don’t “miss” stepchild when they’re not here, I don’t feel an urge to rush home to be with them. I’d do anything for them, but I don’t feel intense love.

fiance has said that I am very privileged to be a stepmum, and that I should be over the moon. He also said that he doesn’t me separately to being stepmum, for example, he said im a family member, and so it doesn’t matter if im his partner or stepmum. he said when stepchild is here, we can still function like a couple but include them in dates, eg. Date night with us all.

Im really confused. Should I be doing more? Am I a terrible stepparent?

I really, really hope you manage to get out. He's going to squeeze and squeeze you until you are a shell of a human. You were not put on this earth to solely serve this man and his child, and he won't be content until that is all you do. Anything you do or want for yourself is unacceptable in his eyes because you are simply the woman/mum/servant bot that he has found to suit his needs.

This man is not for you.

DH has a daughter I've known since she was 3. I've bathed her, put her to bed, fed her, entertained her, taken her out. I would do anything she needed while in my/our care. She often stayed in school hols when I was home and DH still had to work.

He never expressed any of the sentiments your partner says to you. I don't love her like I do my own daughter, and neither would it be appropriate- she already has two parents who adore her. I couldn't have married DH if the set up was like the situation you've described.

Well, he's criticising you now, so what's it going to be like if you have a child with him? He may well accuse you of putting your child first in everything. You need to ask him honestly what he expects of you - in front of his ex. She will have her own view on what she expects from you as a step-mum. I wouldn't marry him or have a child with him.

Goodness OP he sounds awful. Please start planning your escape

I’m sure that over 400 posts in I’m just echoing a lot of points, but just want to add to the chorus of get out while you still can!

No matter how hard you think it is now, it will only get harder if you’re married. Right now you can just walk out the door.

What he’s saying is not normal. If anyone is lucky in this setup, it’s him, who’s found someone who likes/loves his child as much as you do. He’s clearly just after help with his childcare and does not have your best interests at heart.

Of course you don't love your stepchild in the way you'd love your own child - because they are not your child. My husband has an excellent relationship with his stepmother - she's a lovely person and unblushingly introduces me to people as her daughter in law. She has been great with my children who were her husband's grandchildren not hers. When my FIL died after a very long marriage we were thrilled when she met a fellow widower and they got married. But my husband does not consider her his mother and his own mother is still alive. He will inherit from her and not from his stepmother. I think that he and his stepmother have a warm regard for each other but it's not the same as parental love. Now I know there may be exceptions where a stepmother has raised a child from infancy and has been the only mother figure around but it is utterly mad for your fiancé to expect you to love his child as if you were a parent. You're not a parent - your would-be stepchild has two parents and you are not one of them.

I know many women who have been stepmothers. They have all said it was very difficult - even my husband's delightful stepmother. The issue seems to centre round being responsible but without any right to correct a child's behaviour. It seems they get all the bad bits of parenting without any of the good bits. The idea that being a stepparent is a privilege would make them fall off their chairs laughing.

He seems to want you to take over the "mothering" role so he has less of the fathring role to perform. He sounds an utter wally and I'd be having a very hard look at his behaviour. Actually, I'd be running in the opposite direction as fast as I could. When I was young, single and childless, I wouldn't have even gone on a second date with anybody with children. Why would I want to sign up to
looking after a child that wasn't mine, having to make life choices centreing around a child who wasn't mine, putting up with a potentially hostile ex and having less money because he was supporting a child from a previous relationship? Wake up OP because it isn't going to get better from here on in.

Well i think you know the answer dont you ? Its not family time he wants its you looking after his kid so he doesn't have to . I'm sure his child appreciates time alone with dad but he doesn't want that because it means he has to actually parent .

Thank your lucky stars you posted this thread and got decent advice from women who have been there and done that. I hope you don’t marry this piss taker of a man who wants to palm
off responsibility of his son to you to make his life easier!

You sound like you are doing a good job already but he clearly envisages you as a fully replacement parent. Which might be fine if everyone wants that. But do you? Does the child? What's the mum like?
I was a step parent and the kids lived with us full time and I acted exactly as a parent would, you know dealing with school, doctors, clothes, nits, etc
I don't know your exact situation but you can't force someone to "love more" and you already sound like a better parent than many biological ones.
No helpful advice I'm afraid just don't worry that you're not enough. You are.

@Theworldonfire, he is a manipulative shit.
I hope you find the strength and confidence to leave him
You don't need to tell him why you're calling it a day. Much better to not explain as all he'll do is work on your reasons to try to get you to change your mind.

Well yeah she is clearly doing enough, more than enough. But it’s clear he is not and he’s actually using her and that she needs to run - that’s the issue here.

Even if she did want to be like a bio parent -and it doesn’t sound like that - she doesn’t have the same legal rights and responsibilities and he could walk away after a separation and never let her see the kid again.

Also OP reminder that fiance isn’t married! I’ve known people engaged for years and never get married, strictly speaking you’re not even the child’s stepparent.

Do not marry this man.

He is manipulating you and it will only get worse with marriage. Leave and be free of this mind fuck.

You've been troubled by his behaviour for months now @Theworldonfire , you know it's not right and just needed MN to say you're not in the wrong. He doesn't really care for you, why waste your life being his servant. Get out and go and have a happy life

It sounds like you’re caring for two children, not one. He doesn’t want to be the lead adult so is guilting you into that role, and he doesn’t want to parent his own child so he’s trying to foist the responsibility on to you. I’ll bet you are the one who does all the cooking and cleaning and who comes up with ideas for things to do while the child is there. It. And it may even be that does activities which them - baking, games, etc. while he sits on his phone. Have you tried pushing back, and if so, what did he say? Either way, do not marry him - he sounds like an incompetent waste of space.

OP have you posted about this before? If not, there's someone else on here whose partner resents her being allowed to sleep in when his child is there.

Either way, you should leave him.

Run. Run and don't look back.

Also, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to work out why his relationship with the mother ended!

There is a world of difference between being a step parent and a birth parent! You are not a replacement Mum although you are doing a lot anyway.I would rethink this RL, and realise you could be trapped long term if you marry or have a child with him.you are young and there are many single men without DC

I’m so glad you are listening to what posters are saying and coming to the realisation of what he’s expecting.
He is hugely manipulative and controlling. Please get out now, before you are married or have more children with him. It will only get much worse.
For what it’s worth, you sound like a wonderful step parent who is already doing the “perfect amount” in terms of caring for and supporting them. The fact your partner expects more and more shows exactly what he’s after. Someone to do all the parenting for him. Everything that HE should be doing.
Please get out and find someone you can build a lovely life with.

There's not a right or wrong here, it's what you both want and it can't be forced or imposed. You clearly don't feel that for SC (totally fine, why should you!) And you clearly don't want to be a mother to them or take on responsibility for things you don't see as your role. He needs to respect that, he is the parent not you. If he was with someone who did want that, and he wanted that, then great it works for everyone (so long as SC is also happy) but that's not the case.
I'd seriously think about marrying this man, he and you both have a different life goal/view and he'll always be disappointed you aren't mothering his child and you clearly do not wish to do that (nor should you if it's not your bag/it's not your responsibility). Step parents can take different roles, some really do adopt kids (literally in some cases) and view them as their own, do everything etc. Some take more the role you want (friendly, enjoy playing, act like an aunt type role) it really depends on the children, family set up and wants of the parent/SP. If you both disagree on this it'll lead to resentment and unhappiness..

Wow OP. He is training you to be his childcare. That is all you’ll ever be to him. He wants you there and present when his child is there, and wants nothing to do with you when his child is absent.

He's an abusive idiot, leave.

Hi OP

Do you want to marry someone who:

• 'Pushes back' when you're ill rather than support you?
• doesn't want to spend any time with you unless you're useful in sharing childcare
• resents you having a lie in
• can't parent alone without feeling 'isolated and lonely'
• tells you how things are going to be rather than discusses approach together
• tries to emotionally manipulate you into getting what he wants (eg accusing you of not loving your step child)
• tells you how you should feel

It's clear to everyone here that he isn't being fair to you or the child, is only thinking about himself, and sees you primarily as someone to share the parenting load with (even though he doesn't even have his own child full time)

I don't think you'll be able to talk someone like this out of it, as it's not behaviour or an opinion, it's a mindset that he has grown up with, that women are responsible for childcare (even for children that aren't theirs)

Also agree it's very odd that he would want you to have his child 50pc of the time if he died. It's not your child, you haven't formally adopted them, it might not be in the child's best interest, the mum would be unlikely to agree

Does his ex have a new partner? Does he expect the new partner to take a full parental / father role? Would he want to send his child to their step fathers house for half the time if his ex died?

Please leave, he’s manipulating you into taking on full care of the child when they’re with you. Don’t marry him.