AIBU to question what my fiancé expects of me as a stepmum?

[Theworldonfire]

Hi,

i’m engaged to a man who has a child (aged 7). I’ve be with my fiancé for 4 years, and in his child’s life for 3 years (we waited to introduce me to his child as they’d had a lot of disruption in their short lives).

this is my first time in a relationship with someone who has a child. From the beginning I really tried my best to be kind, loving and caring towards my stepchild. I feel like I am a good stepparent and that stepchild likes me, maybe even loves me. I love my stepchild, I love it when they’re here, love chatting and playing with them (as long as it’s not with figures haha), love our family days out.

I don’t want to assume a mother role as my friend has a stepmum who did this and she resented her (still does) that she tried to be that to her. There’s a few things I don’t do, bath times and school stuff. I feel that’s overstepping the mark

fiance has recently said I need to be “doing more” and that “you’re a parent now, so you need to think of these things, you need to do XYZ”. He’s very critical if i have an appointment or seeing a friend on the days stepchild is at home with us.

he also said that I should love stepchild as my own. I don’t know what this means - I’ve never had a child, I don’t understand what that love is. And then I got thinking, I don’t “miss” stepchild when they’re not here, I don’t feel an urge to rush home to be with them. I’d do anything for them, but I don’t feel intense love.

fiance has said that I am very privileged to be a stepmum, and that I should be over the moon. He also said that he doesn’t me separately to being stepmum, for example, he said im a family member, and so it doesn’t matter if im his partner or stepmum. he said when stepchild is here, we can still function like a couple but include them in dates, eg. Date night with us all.

Im really confused. Should I be doing more? Am I a terrible stepparent?

fiance has said that I am very privileged to be a stepmum, and that I should be over the moon. He also said that he doesn’t me separately to being stepmum, for example, he said im a family member, and so it doesn’t matter if im his partner or stepmum. he said when stepchild is here, we can still function like a couple but include them in dates, eg. Date night with us all.

He is totally gaslighting you here. No doubt some women do love being as stepmum and that’s lovely but realistically he knows that many people in fact don’t particularly want to be stepparents. So before you get cold feet about it he’s acting as if you’ve won some coveted and sought after role to make you think you’re super lucky lol

I had a guy with 3 children try that with me. I said I wasn’t interested as I don’t date men with kids and he then told me how wonderful it is to be a stepparent.

I said that’s great you think like that , why don’t you find a woman with kids and be a stepdad to her kids?

He went silent 😂

Please back out from this relationship. He’s dumped parenting responsibilities on you because he’s clearly not able to look after his child on his own. When his child isn’t there he’s living a single man’s life and doesn’t want to spend time with you. You’ve done the right thing by his child, please do right by you and leave this man to face his responsibilities on his own.

You know what you have to do @Theworldonfire. Leave this relationship. Def do not get married

seems dad doesn’t want to do dad duties and wants to nudge you into doing things

yes as a step parent you love the child hopefully. But they aren’t your child and yes if dad died, unless you get on well with mum , you are unlikely to see the child again

which can be hard for the children in a split relationship esp if get on well with the step parent

Yeah I agree - I’ve been there too , at least when I was younger!! I’d attract CFs in both romantic relationships and friendships who liked to take the piss. I worked with vulnerable young people and adults and unfortunately gave people in my personal life the same grace I gave the service users in my work and I was inevitably taken advantage of.

He sounds pathetic. What does he mean he can’t cope looking after his child for 50% of the time unless his fiance is helping out? It’s frustrating how many men can’t look after their children alone but expect their exes to.

And only does he want to trap her into servitude, but it sounds like he resents her for not having the responsibility of a child. I mean not only is he badgering her if she isn’t up when his child comes over, he isn’t happy at the idea of her moving on her with her own life even if he dies! He wants her tied down with his child forever. What a bizarre “dying wish”.

I am one more in the ‘run away’ camp.
Find your ducks, line them up, fly away as fast as possible.

Have you got real life support? A friend to confide in, who won’t go tattling back to him? He sounds like he is already dialling up control of you with his expectations.
Wishing you all good things.

He is a tosspot

This!

Sorry Im a mum and NO. He is being ridiculous and this is probably why his marriage ended his attitude towards mothers. I would not marry a man that sees things this way.

A "tosspot"...love it! The term, not the shitey gaslighting behavior. Leave this arsehole...via a printout of every one of these comments topped with a post it note "THIS"

Not sure if you live with this man?? If you do, move out.

If not, don't.

And get angry. Finish with him, block him, threaten to call the police if he messages you again. Tell him and mean it.

Do NOT marry this man. Make him your ex-fiance. Too many red flags to mention but I think you already know this, it is why you posted. This man is not your partner. It's only one sided. HiS side.

The "He's very critical if I have an appointment or seeing a friend on the days child is staying" is a red flag.
Does he expect you to be there all the time, without a life of your own?
When does he have one on one with his child?
Did he expect the same of his wife/former partner?
You have your own life..with appointments and friendships, just as he has. It's unhealthy to expect these things of you and you need to tell him that.

He’s expecting you to pick up most of the parenting and is annoyed you are not. As two adults you should be able to discuss this and compromise but it reads like he’s ignoring you and telling you off. That does not read well for a good future together. If you had children together it’s likely you would be critiqued and found lacking if you weren’t running round doing everything. I’d seriously consider if this relationship has longevity.

I’ve just read your last post and just so glad you see now what’s going on.

His expectations of you are outrageous.

Oh my God, you poor thing. Please please leave him. Your life will be hell if you don't. He's a selfish bastard with only his needs in mind. Be strong, wake up to yourself, don't let him talk you into staying. You were unwell and he was bored of being with his child all the time? But you should take over? You sound young and inexperienced, and he's taking advantage of you. The fact that you have to ask strangers if you're in the wrong, shows how much power he has over you and how much he is manipulating you. Run!!

Was that the case where the stepmother had had an argument with the little girl and she was out playing unsupervised right in front of the house, before some sort of tragedy happened? I vaguely remember a US story like that recently but can’t remember what happened to the child. I do recall various people blaming the stepmother in the comments.

What have they posted before ? I looked under their username and couldn’t see any other threads.

Succinct but fair

Don't marry him. Do. Not. Marry. Him. Do NOT marry him.

Dump.

This!!

He doesn’t seem to like you that much does he. I mean in normal life not when he’s giving you the odd grand gesture.

Tell him he absolutely right. You cannot love his daughter as much as her actual mum does and nor do you think you should . And leave.

exactly this!

OP he doesn’t actually sound like HE likes being a parent, want any 1-1
time with his DC or take any sole responsibility. I’d reverse this on him AND leave. He is taking the piss.

I agree with everyone else. Get out now.

Run far and fast. No amount of conversation will save this. Do not marry this man, just walk away. Your future self will thank you.