AIBU to question what my fiancé expects of me as a stepmum?

[Theworldonfire]

Hi,

i’m engaged to a man who has a child (aged 7). I’ve be with my fiancé for 4 years, and in his child’s life for 3 years (we waited to introduce me to his child as they’d had a lot of disruption in their short lives).

this is my first time in a relationship with someone who has a child. From the beginning I really tried my best to be kind, loving and caring towards my stepchild. I feel like I am a good stepparent and that stepchild likes me, maybe even loves me. I love my stepchild, I love it when they’re here, love chatting and playing with them (as long as it’s not with figures haha), love our family days out.

I don’t want to assume a mother role as my friend has a stepmum who did this and she resented her (still does) that she tried to be that to her. There’s a few things I don’t do, bath times and school stuff. I feel that’s overstepping the mark

fiance has recently said I need to be “doing more” and that “you’re a parent now, so you need to think of these things, you need to do XYZ”. He’s very critical if i have an appointment or seeing a friend on the days stepchild is at home with us.

he also said that I should love stepchild as my own. I don’t know what this means - I’ve never had a child, I don’t understand what that love is. And then I got thinking, I don’t “miss” stepchild when they’re not here, I don’t feel an urge to rush home to be with them. I’d do anything for them, but I don’t feel intense love.

fiance has said that I am very privileged to be a stepmum, and that I should be over the moon. He also said that he doesn’t me separately to being stepmum, for example, he said im a family member, and so it doesn’t matter if im his partner or stepmum. he said when stepchild is here, we can still function like a couple but include them in dates, eg. Date night with us all.

Im really confused. Should I be doing more? Am I a terrible stepparent?

Please tell me you are leaving?

What an absolutely terrifying read. You are in a highly controlling, abusive relationship and about to marry him as he ramps up the control and abuse.
He is a really bad man and you haven't seen the real him at all.
This is just slowly ramping up.
He wants a skivvy aupair. His type will be keen to get you pregnant to make you feel stuck. I would be very careful now. Reach out to family and friends and move out asap. Don't entertain marrying him unless you want a life of abuse and misery. Be so glad you are finally waking up to just how bad this could be for you.

Saying that you wanting to spend time with him is 'cradling' is vile. He's trying to make you sound unreasonable and demanding whereas it's a normal part of being in a relationship.

It's more gaslighting.

What are you going to do about this feeling, because your body is clearly telling you that this situation is wrong and you need out of it. I hope you're listening to it.

when I was too unwell to get out of bed for around 4 weeks. He said he was desperate for adult connection, that he was isolated doing wake ups and spending his day with his child alone.

So when you want adult company you're being needy and want 'cradling' (wherever he got that term from). But when he wants your company he's being...what exactly?

So we can add hypocrite to his list of qualities now.

Please take note. Be thankful that you’ve had this warning before it’s too late

OP, you feel trapped because he wants you to feel trapped. He wants you to feel obligated to him, but you are not.
You can leave and you must leave. Carry on as normal, don't do anything that will tip him off that you are on your way out. In the background, out of his sight you must make a plan and then follow through with it.

Nailed it.

Hey. Just wanted to offer a story that might resonate (or may well not!).

I have two kids and when my now husband met them he was great but hands off. They have a dad who is very involved and I was fine with this. I did feel a pressure to ‘integrate him’ with the kids and so pushed a little for us to do things together ‘as a family’ but all school / life admin was mine of course. Over the years he’s naturally become more involved - and then we had our own child together which helped the ‘melting pot’ even more. It’s been years now and he is very very hands on but even that said I still do all their school stuff / attend all school meetings etc - he will come if it’s a sports day or something to ‘cheer’ and I do all academic stuff (with or without their dad if he’s available).

I would be lying if I said the road to get here was without bumps; building a blended family is hard to get a balance with. But I have never expected him to behave like their parent - for him AND for them - they have two parents. He is an added extra that they’ve come to greatly appreciate. I’ve also been protective of my time with them alone and he is massively respectful of that (I take each of them away once a year for a weekend alone etc).

I think what I’m trying to say is that it’s been trial and error and some things we’ve got wrong and some right but the whole way through it’s been a discussion - if he’s ever uncomfortable I listen, if I ever feel he’s overstepping or under stepping, he listens and we find a middle ground. It’s been a journey and continues to be as they grow and change. if you don’t feel you can have difficult conversations with him about this and have him hear you and work with you to find something that is ok for all of you, it’s going to be very difficult.

im really sorry you’re going through this. Big hug xx

Are there other parts of your relationship where he is abusive OP? What is the financial set up? Who is paying for his child, do you cover 50% of the cost? Is he high earner? Do you split finances 50/50? Any complaints from him re you ‘not contributing enough’ on that front?

What is he like with intimacy, sulks and gets pissed off when you are not in the mood?

I suspect he’s controllinh and manipulative in other areas of your life too, question is whether you can see that yet.

Yes he is trapping you. He is very manipulative.

You know this now. What are you going to do?

@Sheepdog49 , that's a normal, healthy, relationship. OP's doesn't seem anything like that.

"He pushed back massively a couple of months ago when I was too unwell to get out of bed for around 4 weeks. He said he was desperate for adult connection, that he was isolated doing wake ups and spending his day with his child alone. If I don’t get up as soon as stepchild arrives I’m ruining family time. If I have plans on the day they’re here I’m ruining family time."

Oh my. You were really really ill and taking care of you was nowhere on his radar. Instead, he treated you like the domestic appliance he sees you to be; what was important to him was what the broken appliance wasn't doing for him, the appliance itself was treated as an appliance with no feelings, no rights, no humanity.

"When they’re not here, he floats around and does what he likes, says if I want time together that I need “cradling”."
So, he sees his time as being spent in one of two ways -

1. 'family time' where he rolls you out as his domestic appliance to handle his child
2. 'alone time' where he does what he wants and tells his domestic appliance to get back in their box until he next needs their services.

"Honestly sick to my stomach right now because it’s all real. I’ve never spoken this out loud. I feel trapped and like he’s testing me at every turn."
You are not trapped - yet. Engagements can be broken. Even if you were married, divorces can be had. Having a child with him would tie you to him for 18 years minimum. Did your stomach drop reading that last sentence? I imagine it did. So make damned sure you are in control of your contraception. Right now, you are NOT trapped. You can walk. I'd rather you ran, but you can end this relationship ASAP. Today. This minute.

Fail his tests. Don't meet his ridiculous expectations. Assert your humanity, reject being his domestic appliance. So what if he sulks? Leave.

Please, please - run far, run fast. He is a horrible man who will not change.

He is a horrible man who will not change.
He will. He'll get worse.

Agreed - I stand corrected. He will get worse.

Yes. The child was kidnapped and never returned alive. Amen.

He sounds terrible.

This is absolute b*llocks and he is taking the mick! I've had a step mum for 34 years and whilst I love her to bits, she has never assumed the role as 'mother', more like 'in loco parentis' like a teacher but able to give hugs and support in a closer way. Dad is the one needing to parent and, yes, by all means have family days out etc but you shouldn't have to stop your life and 'do more' as that's his child. He is clearly trying to line you up to do more of the childcare labour and I would put a stop to it now. If he maintains this demand I'd be seriously rethinking marrying him!

You are not trapped @Theworldonfire
You are a young woman with your own life and you don’t need to be anywhere near this man.
He is treating you no better than if you’d been trafficked in on a lorry and sold to him. I’m sorry if that sounds extreme - no offence meant - but it’s more about getting you to see you are being used here for childcare and domestic chores and if you are sick you are ignored.
It is beyond vile. So her do XYZ? So f*cking what? No, he wouldn’t. He doesn’t want to look after his own child, he won’t want to look after anyone else’s.
He does not care about you and has no respect for you. You are useful when you are on ‘duty’ and that’s about it.
Having walked in your shoes I walked out. I did not regret it. Not for a second. I did miss the two children involved for a while but I was soon replaced.
You cannot allow yourself to waste any more time stuck with this abusive, selfish pig.
When you are out of it, and have had some time to heal you won’t regret it.
If you stay, you will be shackled. If you have your own child with, it will get worse.
You are worth so much more than this and don’t feel bad at all, he’s led you into a situation where the red flags were not familiar.

💯 I totally agree - I perhaps explained badly but I was trying to show that as the biological parent I would never behave like he has…just to kind of say, that’s now how all biological parents behave when a step parent enters the realm!

Be careful. He wants you to do all the leg work of having a child so he doesn’t have to. He wants you Ito do his job. Keep you boundaries and stand firm with him.

Run run run. Never heard the phrase “nanny with a fanny” before but this is it! He’s expecting you to basically parent his child when it’s his turn.

Why are you marrying this man again, OP?

Fuck that! I'd move out asap.

Hope you’re ok x