To feel disappointed DS was left out at his nan’s b’day party by his cousin?

[BoldMaker73]

We went to a family gathering today at my brother’s/SIL’s house for my mum’s 80th birthday with mostly older relatives (50+) and a handful of children there too, his cousin, 11, and his neighbours (about 10-13ish). We were outside on the lawn at first then most of us came inside as it got a bit chilly but the children were outside playing games and running around together.

My DS, 19, is an only child and ended up sitting on his own or next to me for most of the afternoon. The children were all playing together outside and didn’t really include him or ask him to join in, and he didn’t want to force himself into their space either, so he just stayed sitting alone. My mum and dad as well as DH and his parents were mixing with the family friends and distant relatives so he couldn’t even speak to his grandparents that much.

I know he’s technically an adult, but he’s a lot closer in age to them than to us in our 50s-80s and I felt a sad for him as when I asked him about it he said he felt rejected and excluded by his cousin considering last summer when it was my brother’s 50th, his cousin and these neighbourhood friends invited him to play with them in the garden and on the green behind their house and he was excluded today.

AIBU for feeling slightly disappointed with my nephew for ignoring DS at this event or is it just one of those things? I remember being that girl picked last in PE every time so I know how it feels to feel rejected.

My DS is 16 and is sometimes in this situation as we have a big family with relatives of all ages.

If stuck at a family party with younger ones he would have organised a game of football or cricket and got them all playing it. Or something similar.

If surrounded by older adults he loves talking to his uncles and other older male relatives, he’s interested in people’s jobs and is curious about their lives.

He’s very outgoing and maybe your DS is shy but really he’s 19, you can’t possibly expect an 11 year old to manage his feelings!

I thought this post was going to be about the 11 year old cousin leaving out a 6 year old or something. Which is a MUCH more understandable scenario and would normally warrant the 11 year old being gently reminded / coerced into not leaving his younger cousin out. But not a 19yo.

Unless you are going to drip feed about some SEN… but even in that case YABU

Of all the bat shit crazy things. Are you serious? 19??? I thought for sure it was a typo. Just when I think it can’t get crazier you reply and say you don’t want it to affect his self esteem! This has to be a wind up! If not stop babying your adult son

He wasn’t rejected. Rejected is a very loaded word and very much the wrong word to use in this situation. Those kids did not reject him. They just didn’t invite an adult to play with them.

@SnappyQuoter He couldn’t interact with his grandparents very much because they were all mixing with family friends who he doesn’t know very well.

So does he often expect others to do what he wants?

What 19 year old wants to be with 11-13 year olds? How odd you feel he should? He’s an adult so maybe he can actually talk to adults?

Then he needs to learn to talk to people he doesn’t know well. It’s what adults do in many social situations.

We’ve all been young adults at family parties for our older relatives with their friends mingling around. You make small talk. If he can’t do that then you’ve made a mistake in your parenting, unless he has learning difficulties.

But I’m leaning towards poor parenting because of his reaction here.

This is up there with the most bonkers thread I’ve read on here.

Worrying that being ‘rejected’ by an 11 year old will result in a 19 year old having self esteem issues is madness OP.

Stop babying your ADULT son.

Yeah you and your son are very strange. 19yo should not want to be playing with kids he's old enough to babysit. Did he really say he felt excluded? Very weird for his age.

Do you realise that your son is an adult @BoldMaker73?
When he said he felt rejected by children, did you tell him to grow up and give his head a wobble and talk to the adults in the room?

The age gap is too wide, although I’m sure if he had of joined them there would be no issue.

Anyone reminded of the rock the boat scene in Derry Girls?

As I’ve said to people, I know 19 is technically an adult just about but he’s not exactly 50 so I don’t know how you expect him to be a mature established adult at this age? He’s much closer in age to his cousin than to any other adult today.

I know at the age of 19 I would've either been inside chatting with 'the ancients' and learning from their experience of the world, or I'd have been outside organising games for the littl'uns. But I wouldn't have expected them to include me.

Sorry, but yes, you are being unreasonable on a couple of levels.
I imagine it was pretty boring for a lone young adult in that company but I would have expected most people of that age to either be able to entertain themselves or make polite conversation with their adult relatives for a few hours. I don't think it's common for young adults to want to play with children or vice versa.
But where I think you are being really unreasonable is placing the onus for including your son on the actual child in this scenario. If your son was bored and thought that spending time with the younger kids was more fun then I would have expected him to initiate that, say by suggesting a game or organising something for them. Were the ages the other way round and a group of late teenage cousins had failed to include your lone 11 year old I'd have had some sympathy with you and would have said the young adults should have made a bit of effort to look after their younger cousin for at least part of the time, but in this case your son is the adult and I really don't think you can blame a much younger cousin for failing to entertain him.

It’s an important skill to be able to talk to strangers and strike up conversation. With him by your side you could have shown him how this is done…introduced him and shown him how you circulate at a ‘do’

I think the young ones are a red herring …at 19 he needs these life skills

You’re not paying attention to anything anyone has said, are you?

I don't think anyone would expect him to be a mature established adult, but I'd expect him to have the social skills to be able to navigate a couple of hours small talk/putting up with small talk. Maybe a stroll to see what the kids are doing and a quick chat to them if he's bored?

Are you actually being serious?

If he honestly, at the age of 19 felt rejected by a group of 11-13 year old kids, then you honestly need to look at your parenting.

Have you always treated him like a little child and babied him? Time for you to take a step back and let him grow up.

I have a 20 year old and if he told me he felt rejected by a few young kids, I’d be telling him to stop behaving like a knobhead and grow up.

I'd also assumed you meant 9. YABU and so is he to feel rejected. He should have made an effort with the adults, or he'll never get anywhere.

I get it, I have DC of similar ages and I think it just depends on the person. My 20 year old would be chatting with the oldies but my 18 year old would rather be with the kids especially if they were doing something sporty and she could join in and organise it.

Agreed, plus did he not have his phone 📱 like most other 19 year olds if it was that bad? Your logic is flawed OP. Your son is a young adult but still an adult. How will he learn to mix with other adults of all ages if you don’t encourage him to grow up, engage, deal with disappointment and not regress? You are overthinking this and frankly if you really believe this is an issue indulging utter nonsense.

Yes, but yours would have joined in, or organised, not sat there like a wet lettuce and moaned afterwards.

sigh. 🙄