To feel disappointed DS was left out at his nan’s b’day party by his cousin?

[BoldMaker73]

We went to a family gathering today at my brother’s/SIL’s house for my mum’s 80th birthday with mostly older relatives (50+) and a handful of children there too, his cousin, 11, and his neighbours (about 10-13ish). We were outside on the lawn at first then most of us came inside as it got a bit chilly but the children were outside playing games and running around together.

My DS, 19, is an only child and ended up sitting on his own or next to me for most of the afternoon. The children were all playing together outside and didn’t really include him or ask him to join in, and he didn’t want to force himself into their space either, so he just stayed sitting alone. My mum and dad as well as DH and his parents were mixing with the family friends and distant relatives so he couldn’t even speak to his grandparents that much.

I know he’s technically an adult, but he’s a lot closer in age to them than to us in our 50s-80s and I felt a sad for him as when I asked him about it he said he felt rejected and excluded by his cousin considering last summer when it was my brother’s 50th, his cousin and these neighbourhood friends invited him to play with them in the garden and on the green behind their house and he was excluded today.

AIBU for feeling slightly disappointed with my nephew for ignoring DS at this event or is it just one of those things? I remember being that girl picked last in PE every time so I know how it feels to feel rejected.

He probably has 'anxiety' because you're acting like this! There are so may 'boy mums' on this app that helicopter parent their sons and make them into an anxious wreck. This is no good for setting him up for the future. Boohoo he feels 'rejected.' They are CHILDREN. I find it bizarre an adult male feels rejected by children.

He doesn't sound very self sufficient at all whatsoever and this is doing him absolutely no favours. He needs to stop being a pansy and you need to stop parenting like this and getting involved. I can't imagine what you'd be like as a MIL.

My DS is 18 and might 'play with' younger teens at an occasion like this to be kind to them eg. he might lead a game or something if they looked to be flagging on their own . . . but he'd be quickly back to the adults to make conversation (ideally over a drink!). It is very unusual for a 19 to want to be included in games with 11-13 year olds. I am sorry that he has social anxiety and struggles with friendships. I would have tried to draw him into conversations with the adults, maybe even privately said to one that he is very shy and could they make an effort to chat about xyz with him. Family multi-generational occasions like this are great opportunities to practice conversation with less scary people than your peers. If he can't do it at a family party then he's really going to struggle in the workplace.

I think this college friends probably grew the hell
up and stopped acting like children, wanting to 'play' with children. It's very 'uncool' for a fully grown adult to do this, and as harsh as this sounds, if this is what his interests are it's no surprise he has no friends. He has 'anxiety' and doesn't seem to have a job. He is never going to launch into adulthood when you are enabling and babying him like this.

He's an adult. How the hell is he meant to rent or buy a house, pay a bill? He should be going out with his mates on a Friday to the pub, not hanging around kids waiting for an invite to 'play.'🤢

Do you not think your son is leading a lonely life OP? Did he actually ever have friends or was it just associates?

what does he do at weekends just go out with you and his dad?

Apparently he has no friends and his college friends grew up 'faded away.'
This adult man has been failed and enabled.

I can't imagine what you'd be like as a MIL.
If he can't bring himself to talk to anyone that probably won't happen unlesshe marries his cousin.

It’s just as concerning that he is not capable of spending time at home on his own. I was doing that at 11.

Surely growing up is a natural process that most people don’t have to be walked through.

It IS creepy to want to play with primary age children because he gets on with them.

At 19, that is going to add to his sense of isolation as there aren’t many parents who would accept their child ‘playing’ with a grown man. At best they will keep the children away from him.

And saying he is nearer in age to them is ridiculous. If he was 35, would it be okay for him to still want to play with 11 year olds as he’s close in age to them than someone who is 61?

Anyone else picturing exactly that this ‘man-boy’ js like in their heads? We all know the kind of creepy guy that others whisper about and avoid. The kids are doing it too op. They’re old enough to know to avoid the weirdo in the corner.

Yeah, I'd be telling my DD to avoid people like this like the plague!

I do think it’s telling the kids didn’t approach him. Kids do tend to have a good sense of who to avoid.
His recollection is he had a fun time playing together last party with cousin and cousins friends. If it was was fun I’d have expected them to approach and say will you play football with us again etc. Instead they have all avoided him.
Hopefully he uses this as a push to start ball rolling with getting a diagnosis.

I guess the reason he can't make conversation with the other adults is becuase he has nothing to say - he has no job, no friends, no hobbies, can't even stay in the house watching tv - what is he going to talk about

I actually feel really sorry for this guy. If he’s autistic (which it sounds like both he might be, as does OP based on her lack of understanding of social norms), then letting him continue to relate to children as peers is doing him no favours. I’m autistic myself, and we need things spelling out in so many words - we don’t tend to get nuance or hints. So he needs someone to tell him something like:

’it’s great to get on with kids, but it’s not appropriate for an adult man to treat kids like his peers. So you should be playing with them more like [a scout leader/fun uncle/dad/insert real life example of an adult man modelling appropriate play with kids]. If you don’t do that, there’s a risk that people will think you have bad intentions towards them, like [michael jackson/other example], because adults and children have different levels of maturity and knowledge. So it’s fine to like playing with kids, but there needs to be a boundary to keep everyone safe [OP could use the example of her work - how she likes the kids she looks after but isn’t their peer or their friend].’

OP, i say this as an autistic person - you and your DS scream neurodivergence to me. Black and white thinking, being ‘young’ for your age, struggling with change, not reading the room, social awkwardness and shyness, etc etc)

@BoldMaker73 Does your DS have any particular hobbies or interests he enjoys? That can be a good way to meet likeminded young adults who aren’t into the whole drinking/partying thing. I’m thinking birdwatching, board games, cosplay, historical reenactment, etc etc - the sort of thing that is about enjoying a shared nerdy interest.

Or he could have nefarious motives. The thing is, we just don't know and can't afford to take the risk when it comes to children.

he could indeed have nefarious motives - in which case clearly spelling it out to him will remove any plausible deniability he might have about not knowing it’s socially inappropriate. It would also make it clear to him that his behaviour was noticeable to others. At the end of the day it doesn’t really matter WHY he sees kids as peers - he can’t keep doing so and needs to stop.

I’m ND and my experience is that we learn and mask. He hasn’t done this and it’s concerning. He has been allowed to get away with this for too long - his mother is sympathetic to him complaining how he felt left out by a small child.

Neither of them are diagnosed with anything at the moment and my concern is that, if his condition was bad enough that he really doesn’t understand that young children aren’t his playmates, then it would have been picked up by now.

And if someone does raise concerns about his behaviour (which they will) then that is going to potentially lose the OP her job (although given that she is choosing to ignore a massive safeguarding risk, then she doesn’t really have a defence!).

Kudos to the people that went with Michael Jackson and Bitty . . . . I was definitely going with Norman Bates :/

This is all a bit odd tbh!

Actually that’s funny 🤣