To feel disappointed DS was left out at his nan’s b’day party by his cousin?

[BoldMaker73]

We went to a family gathering today at my brother’s/SIL’s house for my mum’s 80th birthday with mostly older relatives (50+) and a handful of children there too, his cousin, 11, and his neighbours (about 10-13ish). We were outside on the lawn at first then most of us came inside as it got a bit chilly but the children were outside playing games and running around together.

My DS, 19, is an only child and ended up sitting on his own or next to me for most of the afternoon. The children were all playing together outside and didn’t really include him or ask him to join in, and he didn’t want to force himself into their space either, so he just stayed sitting alone. My mum and dad as well as DH and his parents were mixing with the family friends and distant relatives so he couldn’t even speak to his grandparents that much.

I know he’s technically an adult, but he’s a lot closer in age to them than to us in our 50s-80s and I felt a sad for him as when I asked him about it he said he felt rejected and excluded by his cousin considering last summer when it was my brother’s 50th, his cousin and these neighbourhood friends invited him to play with them in the garden and on the green behind their house and he was excluded today.

AIBU for feeling slightly disappointed with my nephew for ignoring DS at this event or is it just one of those things? I remember being that girl picked last in PE every time so I know how it feels to feel rejected.

I’m sorry, at 19 it’s up to him to choose what he wants to do. He had 3 options. To play with the kids, to chat with the adults, to sit on his own. He’s 19. It’s up to him to engage where he wants to.

He’s an adult. Encourage the adults to include him.

Bloody hell OP, is this for real??
I have a DS, aged 18. He works and has mates the same age. He would absolutely NOT want to “ play “
with younger kids! No way, never. What a weird post! 🙈

Are you on the spectrum, OP? As I can think of no other explanation for you not realising how deeply odd everything you’re saying is. Particularly as there have now been dozens of comments explaining this to you pretty comprehensively.

Op, there’s no way that 10 - 13 year olds would want to include a nineteen year old in their games. He’s an adult, and they’re kids, and I’m sure it absolutely didn’t cross their minds that he would be remotely interested in their games. At nineteen, he should have enough about him to be able to chat to the adults in the room, especially if he is inside with them. You have a very unrealistic view of how an eleven year old should interact with a nineteen year old - it was for your DS to go and be friendly towards his much younger cousin, not for your nephew to take the initiative.

What does he normally do at home? Can't he entertain himself? I agree he should have been there, but this suggests he can't even amuse himself at home by himself, or meet up with friends. You have not set him up well for life.

He’s an adult the same as all of the other adults there. At his age I was a parent and unless I was babysitting younger relations they’d have been busy playing with their peers.

It can feel awkward and boring to be the only young adult at a gathering, especially if you're less socially confident.

But OP, you and other parents are doing your teens a disservice if you don't teach them that sometimes it's normal to feel awkward and bored in social situations. Having uncomfortable feelings does not mean that anyone has wronged us (or that there's something wrong with us).

You noticed that your DS didn't seem to enjoy himself. Instead of searching for someone to blame (and landing on an 11 and 13 year old of all people) or encouraging your DS to see himself as a victim in this situation, validate that he was in a bit of a tough spot age-wise and help him with what approaches he could use in the future. Practicing 10-15 minutes of small talk with guests at a time then taking a break to go mess about on his phone in a side room/outside will help him develop that skill without feeling like he's trapped for hours on end. Suggest he start his small talk by joining your conversation or joining in with someone else he knows well. If people see his interested in joining conversations they're far more likely to make an effort to help him with that.

Are you seriously asking what a 19 year old would do at home alone? Seriously? I’m struggling to believe that this is real. But if it is, and you have a 19 year old who can’t be at home alone for a few hours then you’ve got a real issue.

Are you quite worried about him OP and blaming this young cousin is some sort of displacement activity?

A bit offensive. I’m autistic I understand completely. I’m not sure what the OP is thinking but I don’t think it’s related to autism.

This is bonkers. It’s a huge age gap for children. I am the oldest of all my cousins some by 15+ years and I used to help look after the little ones but it would be me being asked by the 50 year olds to help with them and lead any games keep them busy etc. if I tried to have a break they would hound me to play something else. Is that what you mean?

Either the 19 yo could have been the cool big cousin and engaged the younger ones in some games or whatever, or he should be able to talk with the other adults. In the same situation, my family and their friends have made an effort to include the awkward young adult and shown an interest in them.
My 17 yo has sometimes been a bit bored at similar gatherings when it's been much older adults and much younger children, but he would always choose to be with the adults.

Stating that being on the spectrum might explain her obliviousness is not the same as stating that everyone on the spectrum is similarly oblivious.

The children probably see him as too old to play young children’s games now, especially if he has left college.

Has he never had a Saturday job type thing?

I really don’t think him playing with young children is going to fix anything for him.
He needs to be getting confidence in social settings with adults, a family gathering is the perfect situation.
DD is an only child, and this is likely the reason she is extremely comfortable and confident in social settings with DP and I friends, all
mid fifties, because she spent a lot of time with us and by default with adults and she would have no problem going to the pub with her uncles and aunties aged mid 40s to 60s.
What sort of social upbringing did he have ? Has he really not been exposed to adult conversation, even amongst family ?
You are not focusing on the right Issue here at all - its adult socialising he needs not that of children.

I don’t necessarily agree with the “no 19 year old would want to play” comments because adults do like to engage in play. It’s a way to let off steam. DH often plays football with the younger kids at family parties, I’ll do some crafts with the kids and genuinely enjoy doing it. Have you seen the parents race on sports day? Video games, board games, tones of stuff for adults. I know this is a bit pedantic but I think focusing on the play element is missing the big issues which is that he couldn’t engage with either group. There’s a right and healthy way for an adult to approach playing with their younger cousins and there’s a healthy way for a teenager to engage with 50 year olds.

I think most people mean that they can’t imagine a 19 year old sitting there sadly, staring longingly at the kids playing tig or something whilst doing nothing to engage. Loads of teens and young adults would happily go over and suggest a kick about or come up with an activity and get involved, in a more adult led play type thing. They won’t be sitting there silently hoping for an invite into whatever game the 11 year old made up.

I'm guessing he must be very young for his age or possibly has some SEN? When ds1 was 19 he was off travelling the other side of the world. Ds2 is 18 and has ASD he likes to join in with adult conversations but isn't averse to playing cars and Lego with his little cousins. However he would very much see it as big cousin entertaining the younger ones, he has the patience of a saint and would certainly not see it as "being included or invited to join in".

It's hard to see our kids struggle socially at any age but this wasn't rejection or being left out this was perfectly typical behaviour for your younger nephews to not view him as someone to play with like a peer. You keep repeating that he is closer in age to them than the adults but developmentally he should be closer to the adults. If he isn't then you really need to consider how you can support his social development rather than viewing him as a little boy who is being left out by primary school aged children.

He could have gone out and interacted as a big cousin come to kick a ball about which would likely be well received.

Your framing of the situation is so strange. Your son wasn't rejected by the children or not picked for a team, he didn't approach them or get involved. I don't understand why you think the onus is on an 11 year old to make sure his adult cousin is invited to play games, as an adult your son should be able to join in if he wanted to.

@BigGra He would have been fine with his grandparents as he’s close to them but wouldn’t feel comfortable in the three-way conversation with an unfamiliar adult there.

@ChaChaChaChanges Of course he would be fine at home alone, I’m just saying it’d be a bit sad at home when everyone else is at a party.

When he said he felt rejected was exactly the time to help him see other people’s perspectives not side with him and blame the kids for being mean. He’s an adult that’s behind in life skills and being overly defensive of him isn’t going to help.

Well he's going to have to get used to it or he'll be living with you forever.

Unless that is what you want for him.

Yes he is closer in age to an 11 year old mathematically, but in maturity he should be closer to the adults. As he is an adult. You are not doing him any favours by agreeing with him feeling rejected by a group of pre-teens who probably didn't think an adult would want to play with them. It's ridiculous. If a 5 year old didn't think to include an 11 year in his games would you be blaming the 5 year old - as they are closer in age than this 11 year old and your 19 year old. Or would you realise that would be completely insane way to think?

OP, so much overthinking!! Sometimes the 19yos have to suck it up with us oldies. That's just the way family events for older people work. Definitely not up to younger cousins to engage your ds.