To feel disappointed DS was left out at his nan’s b’day party by his cousin?

[BoldMaker73]

We went to a family gathering today at my brother’s/SIL’s house for my mum’s 80th birthday with mostly older relatives (50+) and a handful of children there too, his cousin, 11, and his neighbours (about 10-13ish). We were outside on the lawn at first then most of us came inside as it got a bit chilly but the children were outside playing games and running around together.

My DS, 19, is an only child and ended up sitting on his own or next to me for most of the afternoon. The children were all playing together outside and didn’t really include him or ask him to join in, and he didn’t want to force himself into their space either, so he just stayed sitting alone. My mum and dad as well as DH and his parents were mixing with the family friends and distant relatives so he couldn’t even speak to his grandparents that much.

I know he’s technically an adult, but he’s a lot closer in age to them than to us in our 50s-80s and I felt a sad for him as when I asked him about it he said he felt rejected and excluded by his cousin considering last summer when it was my brother’s 50th, his cousin and these neighbourhood friends invited him to play with them in the garden and on the green behind their house and he was excluded today.

AIBU for feeling slightly disappointed with my nephew for ignoring DS at this event or is it just one of those things? I remember being that girl picked last in PE every time so I know how it feels to feel rejected.

The only person you should feel disappointed in is yourself that you have failed to raise your young adult child to actually act ike a young adult. He’s upset because kids didn’t want to play with him, and you’re blaming the kids? This is the one of the most bizarre things I have read on MN and that’s saying something.

Why did the go and ask if he could join in whatever they were doing?

Placing the blame and responsibility on the 11 year old is odd.

That's very strange. I have a 19 and 21 year old; their cousins are two 10 year olds and two 12 year olds. Obviously mine have each other, but they're not always both there at family events. Last year at my parents' Golden Wedding, my then 18 year old spent the day talking to my siblings and their partners - even though they're all in their 40s, they're much more interesting to an 18/19 year old than children. It wouldn't have occurred to him to play with the kids, except if he was feeling kind. He certainly wouldn't have expected them to include him out of kindness.

This is the bigger issue - that he does not have a daily routine or friends. Most 19 year olds would have breezed through this as a slightly dull family obligation. This has a bigger impact on him because of what else is (or isn't) going on in his life. You said you were in a similar position as a teen. What helped you? The volunteering he is doing is a positive step. Does he need additional support in developing social skills? What reason do you think there is he doesn't have friends from school or college?

When I was 19 I didn’t mind hanging out with my cousins at a family party. Sometimes after a couple of beers I would chase them round and we would go on the trampoline ect. I don’t think a 19 year old hanging out with their cousins who are younger at a family party is weird, but I do think a 19 year old feeling rejected by a child is weird.

I think you need to focus on getting him friends and helping him become a functioning member of society and ASAP. Has he ever been assessed for ASD or a learning difficulty? I say this as someone with ASD who very much had younger interests as a teen btw I’m not trying to sound horrible.

This has got to be a joke. Your 19 year son (who is able to vote, obtain his own passport/credit card/mortgage drive a car and marry) felt rejected by a 11 year old - a child, not even a teenager.

Stop cutting up his food and tell him to 'man up'

When people talk about a failure to launch, this is what it is. There are so many things wrong in this scenario you have in your head OP.

Why isn’t the 19yo taking responsibility for himself? If he can’t do that yet, why haven’t you taught or shown him how?

Why is a dumbing down to an 11yo and 13yo level when there are adults in the room?

Why is he only able to socialize with his parents and grandparents?

Why are you disappointed in young boys not wanting to help an adult man “play”? Why is it ok for the 11 and 13yo to be socially adept and confident enough to approach and adult, but not the other way round?

Why aren’t you doing something about this situation which is going to become really problematic for your son very soon?

I just can’t believe this is true. Unless your son has issues, actual problems, this is a terrible way to treat him. You not wanting him to be lonely is YOUR job to fix as his parent (well it’s his because he’s an adult but he clearly hasn’t been taught how so it’s still yours). It’s not his 11/13yo cousins’ job. Do you genuinely think it is? And I note you and your DH went off and did you own thing too - but now have the nerve to shove blame and responsibility onto a couple of children!

Did he make an effort to ‘include himself’ with the younger children or was it all on the 11 yr old to facilitate your giant baby’s feelings? Honestly time to grow up. This has to be a wind up. If not, the 11 year old did the right thing to keep his distance from your ‘child’. Social anxiety doesn’t excuse this either, at 11 they will only be beginning to understand this even exists so your son’s actions or lack of can’t be pinned on him.

But to an 11 year old, a 19 year old is a real adult, and probably looks closer to the 50 year olds in their eyes. No way would they think to include them in a game. Your 19 year old should have been organising games for the kids or talking with the other grown ups

Oh dear OP

You have really over parented him and he’s very behind socially. Please step back and let him figure life out with professional help instead.

If your son was bored and thought that spending time with the younger kids was more fun then I would have expected him to initiate that, say by suggesting a game or organising something for them

That. At his age he should be the one taking the initiative. Kids of primary school age generally love a young adult organising and playing fun games with them. It's pretty much the role of anyone from 18-25 at these multi-generational events.

It's bizarre that you think it the 11 year old's role to involve your 19 year old.

19 year olds generally don’t ‘play’ with 11 and 13 year olds-they are often chatting to the adults or they haven’t come to the family gathering as the are busy with their own life!

Something has gone very awry with the parenting here.

Sorry OP that’s just the nature of their age gap. 19 and 11-13 - come on.
if he wanted to join he could have gone himself. Expecting much younger children to sort this out for him, an ADULT, is very immature.
is he usually that passive?

Then the onus really should have been on YOU to include him in conversations, introduce him (and yourself) to other guests and model how to mingle and make polite conversation with less familiar people.
In my experience, most people, especially the older generation, love talking about themselves to young people!

He really needs to learn how to do this as a valuable life skill, to show an interest in others rather than mope around feeling dejected. I appreciate he may be shy and or socially anxious, but this sounds like as "safe" an environment as any to gain confidence in? Learning and practicing tjis skill really will stand him in good stead in his volunteering and future work and you, as his parent and as you relate so well to how he feels are THE most obvious and appropriate person to support him with this.
Not his grandparents and certainly NOT his 11 year old cousin.
Sorry, not what you wanted to hear. X

Must be a wind up. How ridiculously embarrassing for you to even post this. He’s 19! An adult. A grown up man.

I think you expecting him still to want to play with children at the age of 19 is more likely to damage his self esteem, to be honest.

Start treating him like an adult and involve him in adult conversation so he can be more comfortable with other grown ups.

This - a 19 year old does not "play", unless you mean they were playing cricket or football etc, but then an adult man playing with younger children is neither fair or safe.

It's really odd that you are putting the responsibility on the 11 year olds to "include" your adult son. Why didn't he go outside and join them?

The fact that he stayed inside probably reinforced the idea in the younger kids minds that he is too old for their games.

@Shinyandnew1 I would not have him not come to his own nan’s 80th! What else would he do at home?

To everyone else, maybe you’re right, I shouldn’t have expected my DN to accommodate DS and I’ll tell him that DS should have just asked to join in. DN included DS last year as I mentioned and before that if he was the only child he would play with DS so it was just different this time, so probably just a bit of a shock.

This ^

Of course a 19 year old should be able to make small talk with Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents, and even people he doesn't know at a gathering of this kind.
It might not be his most fun night out of the month, but it is not exactly tortuous. People are there to enjoy themselves and relax, and would freely chat with the birthday girl's grandson. If you noticed at any point he seemed to be being left out, you could have made a bit of an effort to re-include him.

He’s an adult and he or u should not expect him to being included I1 year old games . As I cannot stress enough he is an adult!

Bloody hell! When DS1 was 19 he was joining the army not belly aching that he felt rejected by his 11 year old cousins.

Imo you’ve failed him tbh. You should be actively encouraging him to be joining in conversations with other adults, regardless of how old they are. He might have found them interesting. He needs some routine and structure in his life. Has he ever had a job?

You can't use that as a reason to make some kids who are 11-13 responsible for looking after him.

Surely he must understand he's significantly older than them?

It's a shame he couldn't speak to his grandparents but at least he had you. That's how it goes at family events. Often they're pretty boring for late teens.

He does have social anxiety but he has started volunteering so I’m hoping it will help as he has no friends which was the exact same for me as a teen. I don’t want him feeling unwanted and lonely like I did.

Hoping you’ve not told him this OP? That his Mum had no mates at that age either and how you felt!? In this situation and no one here is diminishing how your son felt, but him knowing how it was for you (which maybe why you’re so triggered) won’t help. We can’t protect our kids/young adults/adults from every disappointment or rejection but we can absolutely teach them resilience and how to ensure their emotional muscles are strong.