To feel disappointed DS was left out at his nan’s b’day party by his cousin?

[BoldMaker73]

We went to a family gathering today at my brother’s/SIL’s house for my mum’s 80th birthday with mostly older relatives (50+) and a handful of children there too, his cousin, 11, and his neighbours (about 10-13ish). We were outside on the lawn at first then most of us came inside as it got a bit chilly but the children were outside playing games and running around together.

My DS, 19, is an only child and ended up sitting on his own or next to me for most of the afternoon. The children were all playing together outside and didn’t really include him or ask him to join in, and he didn’t want to force himself into their space either, so he just stayed sitting alone. My mum and dad as well as DH and his parents were mixing with the family friends and distant relatives so he couldn’t even speak to his grandparents that much.

I know he’s technically an adult, but he’s a lot closer in age to them than to us in our 50s-80s and I felt a sad for him as when I asked him about it he said he felt rejected and excluded by his cousin considering last summer when it was my brother’s 50th, his cousin and these neighbourhood friends invited him to play with them in the garden and on the green behind their house and he was excluded today.

AIBU for feeling slightly disappointed with my nephew for ignoring DS at this event or is it just one of those things? I remember being that girl picked last in PE every time so I know how it feels to feel rejected.

He would have been fine with his grandparents as he’s close to them but wouldn’t feel comfortable in the three-way conversation with an unfamiliar adult there

He needs to see that he wasn't the main character at this event. Sometimes you just have to sit back and let other people be in the centre and twiddle your thumbs.

To be honest I am quite surprised that last year when he was 18 and his cousins were 10 and 12 they looked after him and let him play. He should have been the one in charge.

I agree everyone on the spectrum is different but this could certainly be associated with ASD traits. I remember my sibling who is on the spectrum being adoring our much much younger cousin (think 30 year old woman and 10 year old girl) but then being highly offended and upset on a day out because younger cousin was playing with my similarly aged children and not really paying my sister attention. Her behaviour was from the outside utterly ridiculous that day but she was absolutely resolute in her upset towards a small child doing what small children do and their was no reasoning with her. This is a woman with a job and lives in her own home so yes it's perfectly possible that the OP's scenario relates to asd.

Play with them? He's 19!

Hopefully OP worded it badly otherwise there's some seriously wrong dynamics going on. Using the words 'playing with them' implies joining in on their level. That's odd and maybe the cousins feel that too. I've been around a lot of teens, some ND, my DS included, and they just jump in and fool around, no invite needed. At mixed age gatherings, anything goes.
OP, you need to encourage your DS to get out there, take a leap, find his own tribe.

Weirdest thing I have read on here. Obviously 10 to 13 years olds won't want to play with a fully grown man. What is odder though is a 19 year old wanting to play with children and then feel rejected. He needs to grow up and start learning how to partake in adult conversations. You need to untie the apron strings and grow some resilience.

I feel a bit sad for him. He's clearly had no support in growing up.

You need to work on his skills in talking to people pronto tonto, if you want to help him to be fit for work or university, OP. People skills are vital for negotiating the world of work and he’s lucky to have a big multigenerational family to practice with.

One other thing - a child should never be made responsible for managing an adult’s feelings. Please don’t let yourself think that way again.

Me too, if he genuinely feels this way then it is very sad for the poor lad. I hope the OP can take on board what is being said and shift her own views to support him find his confidence.

I'm sorry I would totally agree with you if he was 9 not bloody 19. I have a 19 year old lad and no way would he want to play with 11/13 year olds I'm lucky he plays with his sisters. Hes to interested in going out drinking or hanging out with his mates. If we was a family party he would show face for a little bit then go out in his car. I think its time to cut the cord and let your son grow up and not get upset because a child doesn't want to play with him. Not everyone is going to like him in life but he needs to learn to control his emotions.

This op. I think it's bloody ridiculous you expect an 11 year old to accommodate a 19 year old and seek them out to include them!! It's weird as hell! When I was 19 I'd lived alone working full time for over 2 years I didn't expect children to ask me to play

To be fair there's nothing at all to suggest he isn't controlling his emotions. He feels how he feels but hasn't made a show of it at the party or lost it at some point. HIs social understanding and confidence are low that's not the same as not controlling your emotions.

Agree, he didn't make a scene about it, he was just sad. And that's because he hasn't become an adult and both his parents bear responsibility for that.

Sometimes we need to do things that don't feel comfortable, OP. Please don't stop reminding your DS of that.

You clearly have empathy for your DS's feelings and don't want him to feel left out or unwanted, and that's important. But channel those feelings into helping your DS help himself in these situations instead of seeing himself as a victim. Here are three things to tell your DS here:

1. It's perfectly normal to feel awkward in social situations, especially ones with a lot of mingling and/or ones where we don't have a built-in group to join with. It's not a fun feeling, but it doesn't mean anyone has done anything wrong or that there's something wrong with us.
2. Small talk is something that really only gets easier with practice. Try approaching one person and ask them a question or two (don't forget to introduce yourself and ask their name if needed). If that's too much, just start by joining a group and listening pleasantly for a bit.
3. When people aren't giving us what we need or want (like including us in activities or conversation) the first thing we need to do is look at what we're communicating to others. Someone who shows interest in conversation will find people try to include them in conversations more. If a young adult offers to organize a game (or referee whatever is being played, etc) the kids will see them as willing to play. It's not reasonable to expect others to show more interest in us than we're willing to show in them.

This is mad OP its not for children to manage the feelings of anxious adults! When I was that age I wouldn't have asked an older teen if they wanted to play with me because I would have assumed they didn't want to. The 2 children were playing together, your DS is not a child, however if he wanted to join in with your cousins he needed to be the one to instigate it!

You're not doing your son any favours OP treating an adult man like a rejected 13 year old unless he has very significant additional needs in which case YOU should have maybe seen if his cousins could include him in their play if your son isn't able.

He is a young man not a boy. Yabvvvu.

Your son is 19. An adult. It sounds like your family have intergenerational gatherings quite regularly. Why are you not including him in adult conversations and modelling how to behave in groups? It's a bit tough if he's the only young adult but older people would be very happy to talk to him and the only way to stop people being strangers is to say hello. His grandparents would have introduced him to their friends. He could have refilled drinks, handed round canapes, been useful in lots of ways, but you let him sit on the outskirts mumping about his much younger cousin not including him. If an adult wants to play with kids he just joins in!

This is crazy!! He's 19! He's an adult. Why on earth would his self esteem be affected by not "playing" with a bunch of kids?! 19 year olds don't play!!

Why aren't you seeing he's still an adult and kids are lnt going to expect an adult to "play" with them?

He would have been fine with his grandparents as he’s close to them but wouldn’t feel comfortable in the three-way conversation with an unfamiliar adult there.

Whyever not ?

Surely this can't be the first time in his life he's mixed, socially, with other people ?

It's no wonder he's not got a job if he can't spend a couple of hours being polite with his own family members.

this is what you need to focus on @BoldMaker73 , not start threads blaming your 11 yr old nephew for your ds's inadequacies.

At that age, I would have expected him to "drop by" a grandparent's birthday party - say "happy birthday," eat some cake, hang out with the grandparents, and then leave to do whatever else a young adult does. Maybe that would be an option for next time.

This 👆

He is 19, he needs to start managing himself.

No just no. He shouldn't have asked to join in, he is an adult it would make the poor kids uncomfortable and at 19 he really shouldn't want to. You are still going on about your DN including him. All very strange you are making out like your son is twelve, not healthy, heed the warnings.

@BoldMaker73 omg he's a young man, wtf?

But he can't develop a friendship with an 11yo. And not "playing" with an 11yo, at age 19, cannot be a valid reason to feel unwanted and lonely. They are developmentally nowhere close, or shouldn't be, and it comes off as very weird and a bit icky. It's also odd that you don't realize how odd this is.

Has he ever been assessed for anything other than social anxiety? None of this seems right. What have his school and college experiences been like? If he is honestly upset about not getting an invitation to play from an 11yo (and just writing that out is making me uncomfortable), the lack of friends is unfortunately not surprising as typical 19yos will have less than zero desire to play with primary school children and will not want to interact around those interests or on that level. They've long since left it behind. He should be well able to socially handle himself around distant adult relatives by this point and make polite chitchat or ask some vague questions to get them talking. And I say this as a person diagnosed with social anxiety disorder.

I’m glad you’ve understood your ds cannot expect children to accommodate him… or indeed adults, who are at their own party. If your ds felt rejected, maybe he’s heard your stories too many times. I get it’s rubbish not to have any friends. The only way your ds is going to get any, and to get a job, is to put himself out there. If he’s struggling with 11 year olds, then there’s much work to be done to be able to interact with adults.