To feel disappointed DS was left out at his nan’s b’day party by his cousin?

[BoldMaker73]

We went to a family gathering today at my brother’s/SIL’s house for my mum’s 80th birthday with mostly older relatives (50+) and a handful of children there too, his cousin, 11, and his neighbours (about 10-13ish). We were outside on the lawn at first then most of us came inside as it got a bit chilly but the children were outside playing games and running around together.

My DS, 19, is an only child and ended up sitting on his own or next to me for most of the afternoon. The children were all playing together outside and didn’t really include him or ask him to join in, and he didn’t want to force himself into their space either, so he just stayed sitting alone. My mum and dad as well as DH and his parents were mixing with the family friends and distant relatives so he couldn’t even speak to his grandparents that much.

I know he’s technically an adult, but he’s a lot closer in age to them than to us in our 50s-80s and I felt a sad for him as when I asked him about it he said he felt rejected and excluded by his cousin considering last summer when it was my brother’s 50th, his cousin and these neighbourhood friends invited him to play with them in the garden and on the green behind their house and he was excluded today.

AIBU for feeling slightly disappointed with my nephew for ignoring DS at this event or is it just one of those things? I remember being that girl picked last in PE every time so I know how it feels to feel rejected.

You keep saying this, but at 19, I’d expect him to be able to tolerate a bit of afult chat among family members, interspersed with boredom — I mean, what was he expecting? It was a family event. It’s par for the course! It’s deeply weird and whiny that you both think he was having a tragic few hours of loneliness and needed to be socially rescued by an 11 and 13 year old!

I think he should have gone to the kids if he wanted to join in, not the other way around. It’s a shame he didn’t feel confident enough to.

Omg, he's a literal adult, and you're upset that a bunch of schoolkids didn't invite him to run around with them?

Oh come on, he could've clapped his hands and said "Right you lot, what are we playing?"

I expect the younger kids would've loved that.

I cant dress this up any other way, how on earth can he mature if you do all his thinking for him? he is 19 not 9

This is bizarre- what 19 year old would wish to play with kids. Now I get that the adults were probably boring but FFS we all had to spend time with older family members at times without issue

Yes, but she’d get that it was on her to join in and make the running, right? Not sit there moaning about being ‘excluded’ by the children!

This is very true.

Really?? Come on op you can’t be this ridiculous. Yes, he’s closer to age 11 than 50 but he’s a young adult not a pre pubescent child! If he wanted to join in he should have. What 11 yo is going to ask a 19 yo to play. Literally everyone is telling you you’re being over protective. Like someone said tell him to grow up and open his mouth

Your son isn’t “technically” an adult. He is an adult. But he wants to play with children?

This thread is very, very odd.

Oh wow, I assumed you'd written his age wrong and would correct it in the thread. No I wouldn't expect his cousin to play with him, he's a grown up to his cousin. Blimey.

Being closer to their age is a completely irrelevant, he’s an ADULT. They are children. Did you expect him to race around a garden playing hide and seek or tag?!

When I was 11, I was more used to spending time with 50 year olds, my parents friends, than with 19 year olds, it wouldn't have occurred to me to ask him to join in. Not that I would have been talking to the adults if there were other kids to play with!

Surely at 19 he can maintain an adult conversation with family and friends. Does he have a job, hobbies ? attend college where he engages with other adults ?
DD was well able to engage socially with adults from at least age 16. By age 20 she was going to her bosses 50th birthday.
Does he have social anxiety ?

Why are you putting the onus on an 11 year old child?

this is the most crazy thread on here tonight

The age difference is akward, but I think YABU for making this your 11 year old nephew's fault rather than any of the adults at the party (including you and including your DS).
Either your DS could have taken it upon himself to "organise" the younger DC in a game, or he could have engaged with his adult relatives in chatting, or even got some of the other adults to join in some kind of kids v adults game to mix across the generations.
If you noticed your DS was left out, you could have engaged him in your conversations, introduced him to some of the other adults etc.
It's really not surprising that an 11 year old isn't socially skilled enough to spot that his adult cousin is on the sidelines and to engineer an opportunity to include him. The 11 year old was likely busy playing with the other children.
Family parties can be akward for in between generations if they're not at ease with comversations with much older adults.
It sounds as though last year's party went well, but sometimes the timing is just off.
Don't blame an 11 year old kid for that.

J. F. C.

Weird

@BigGra He finished college last June and does not work yet. He does have social anxiety but he has started volunteering so I’m hoping it will help as he has no friends which was the exact same for me as a teen. I don’t want him feeling unwanted and lonely like I did.

My DS, 19, is an only child and ended up sitting on his own or next to me for most of the afternoon. The children were all playing together outside and didn’t really include him or ask him to join in, and he didn’t want to force himself into their space either, so he just stayed sitting alone. My mum and dad as well as DH and his parents were mixing with the family friends and distant relatives so he couldn’t even speak to his grandparents that much.

I know he’s technically an adult, but he’s a lot closer in age to them than to us in our 50s-80s and I felt a sad for him as when I asked him about it he said he felt rejected and excluded by his cousin considering last summer when it was my brother’s 50th, his cousin and these neighbourhood friends invited him to play with them in the garden and on the green behind their house and he was excluded today.

He made no effort… + your DH and both sets of his grandparents pretty much ignored him? Why didn’t you have a quiet word with the 5 other adults to take heed of him? To make an effort? Expecting an 11 year old much younger cousin to include him is ‘logic’ that’s really hard to understand.

We’ve all had times where we felt rejected and best you can do is teach him to make the effort and use his initiative as projecting your own experience is not helpful. It was a wise person who said our kids (and young adults) need a bit of hurt and hardship to learn and grow.

Well a 30 year old is closer in age to a 10 year old than they are to a 60 year old but do they get put on the children’s table at Christmas?! What does the closeness of age matter?! It’s about adult versus child. And if he really wanted to play with them, why did he have to await the children inviting him?! Just go and join in like any Uncle Knobhead at a family gathering does.

Then help him work on building his social confidence, find hobbies that might help him build connections, not on the expectation that it’s children’s job to ‘include’ him.

This is honestly one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever read on here. In what world would a 19 year old want to “play” with primary school age children?!

They weren’t leaving him out, it wouldn’t have even occurred to them that he’d want to join in. If he really did want to, he could have gone and joined them of his own accord.

I have a 19 year old myself so not out of touch with this age group.

He is 19. The cousin is 11. And you’re getting upset about him feeling unwanted and lonely over an 11 year old. This is deeply weird. It’s going to sound horrible but, no wonder he doesn’t have friends. If this is where his maturity is at.

My god this has to be a wind up. I have two 19 year olds who would rather chew off their own legs than hang out with kids.