One daughter a bridesmaid one not invited

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Check out my username. I clearly have a problem.

Two years ago my brother got married and the wedding was child free but my sister-in-law’s cousin’s children were flower girls; mine were not invited. I was very, very upset.

Now my problem is one of my daughters who is 9 has actually been asked to be a bridesmaid for her Godfather’s bride. We have agreed and my daughter knows about it.

When my husband told me I was of course pleased but knew my six year old would be jealous, but it was a learning opportunity, they don’t have to do the same things, her Godfather was already married when she was born yada yada. She definitely has come to terms with it.

It now emerges that she isn’t invited. Child free apart from wedding party, just like my brother’s. Two of the other children in the wedding party also have siblings who are not invited.

I can’t believe what wedding culture has become.

I am not leaving her with anyone I will have to miss wedding.

I very much doubt that. I've never known a bridesmaid of that age who want excited about it. And the 9 year old isn't making the decision. The decision to accept the role was made by her parents, and at this point she doesn't know that her sister isn't invited, so she isn't making the decision now, either.

I only had two children at my wedding, flower girl and Paige Boy. Brother and sister. There is absolutely no way I would have left one of them out.

I didn’t want any other children at my wedding, and yet one of the groomsmen, despite being fully aware his three children weren't invited, brought them anyway. 3 more dinners had be hastily put together while seating arrangements switched up. It was a Christmas wedding and we had a very good and jolly Father Christmas come to bring the two kids presents for doing so well in their ‘duties’. Then came the moaning from the mother of the three uninvited, yet present children, that they had been ‘left out’!

You and your husband could decline the invitation and ask who will be picking your bridesmaid daughter up, looking after her and returning her to you....?

I think maybe because the 9 year old is the grooms god daughter whereas the 6 year old isn’t? I don’t necessarily think it’s right I just wonder if that’s their reasoning behind it?

So "child-free except ..."
Sounds very stupid and thoughtless to me

Where do they go home at 10pm?

Usually I think their wedding their call. But I do think its unfair to say child free except the wedding party when it will split siblings this way. Id rather child free than one included one unwelcome

It's a child free wedding apart from the wedding party. The only connection here is the 9 year old's godfather is the groom? who is a friend of your husband. He's allowed to have a child free wedding.

Get ready because this is going to becoming the norm. Weddings are too expensive to invite every relative of the wedding party or cousins or whatever connection someone feels entitled them to an invite. Budgets matter. The days of giant mega weddings with everybody and their cousins and their cousin's cousin are past.

A lot of people enjoy child free weddings.

You can be very, very upset and it won't make a bit of difference. People can invite who they want to their wedding.

Now, if they didn't clarify that the wedding was child free other than the wedding party when they asked you if eldest could be a bridesmaid, you can say they weren't clear. But you really can't pull your oldest put now just because the wedding is child free. One parent goes, one does something else with 6 year old.

I’ve never heard of a childfree wedding that has children in the wedding. Certainly, not in my circles. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Your Godfather situation is awful but your brother’s is 100x worse - I don’t think I would be speaking to him ever again.

I don't have a problem with it but I think that the flower girl should go home after the ceremony and photos. She'll be bored out of her mind if she stays on and there are no other kids.

Of course they can pull their eldest out if they want too!

Its their daughter and they’ll do what’s best for their daughter.

OP you do know that at times in your life you are going to be asked to do things with one child that don't involve the other. This isn't your day and you are making a mountain out of a molehill. Your six year old won't mind, especially if the childcare you arrange involves a bit of a treat. Wedding are boring for kids, especially if there aren't loads of kids there. If your elder daughter hadn't been asked to be a bridesmaid (and all the other godchildren had) you would have been upset about that too. You might not like child free weddings but its not about you.

I don’t see this as any different to half siblings being given different opportunities with different sides of the family. If you choose different godparents, their relationships are going to be different with them. I’d arrange “fun” childcare for your younger daughter, and go and watch your older one “shine”, just as you would if she had the star role in a school play. She’d be devastated if weren’t there to watch. Weddings aren’t the most interesting days for children, as a general rule, anyway.

I can see how making allowances for OP's child would mean doing the same for other children. I also understand having a child-free wedding. I just don't agree with having children in the wedding party in that case, its like saying you're only welcome if you agree to being a cute little prop.

It's an unual invite - even if one only was in wedding party more usual to invite rest of siblings.

However if it's too late to pull out - send DH and the bridesmaid and you do something special with the 6 year old - something big.

I agree
I’d say we either attend as a family or not at all and I wouldn’t allow my daughter to be a bridesmaid if everyone wasn’t included either. They sound awful
save yourself the hassle and time and money.

I think what we are learning is that there seems to be a vast array of different wedding customs and traditions in this day and age.

For my part, child-free is not such a shock, especially when at quite a sophisticated venue, and for me I find it quite easy to follow the logic that you might have a couple of children in the bridal party but no other children.

Then adding children because their siblings are in the bridal party, although they are not, starts to become messy logic in my mind.

I'm trying to think about the Royal weddings. Do they have child guests other than those in the bridal party? I'm not sure they do? They definitely have child bridal attendants, but I don't remember seeing other children attending.

My understanding is that the bridal attendants are just that, rather than invitees, so a totally different category.

What about the other child??