One daughter a bridesmaid one not invited

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Check out my username. I clearly have a problem.

Two years ago my brother got married and the wedding was child free but my sister-in-law’s cousin’s children were flower girls; mine were not invited. I was very, very upset.

Now my problem is one of my daughters who is 9 has actually been asked to be a bridesmaid for her Godfather’s bride. We have agreed and my daughter knows about it.

When my husband told me I was of course pleased but knew my six year old would be jealous, but it was a learning opportunity, they don’t have to do the same things, her Godfather was already married when she was born yada yada. She definitely has come to terms with it.

It now emerges that she isn’t invited. Child free apart from wedding party, just like my brother’s. Two of the other children in the wedding party also have siblings who are not invited.

I can’t believe what wedding culture has become.

I am not leaving her with anyone I will have to miss wedding.

I was just thinking that. Though you do get 6 hours child free after they go home at 10pm.

Pretty normal in at least half the wedding I have been to. Child free apart from the bridal party.

Your 9 year old is in the bridal party as it’s her god father’s wedding. You’d be unreasonable to now withdraw her.

Either go and get childcare for the 6 year old or don’t. It’s really not a drama evoking issue.

It’s not too late. You’re teaching your 9 year old it’s ok to be unkind to her sister. I would tell her you’re all going to go out somewhere lovely that day, in specially bought dresses (afternoon tea at a posh hotel perhaps and a show that the girls would like?) as a family because it’s not nice for her sister to be excluded. The only way to stop these thoughtless weddings is to teach the next generation to behave with more thought - and this is your opportunity…

Sell the idea that weddings are SO BORING to your DD.

Not being able to choose your outfit
Not being able to go and play
No other children.
Having to stand around for loads and loads of photos.
Not getting to choose your dinner.
Having to listen to lots of boring speeches.
Grown ups getting drunk and stupid.

Then book a day out of her choice.

The 9 year old is invited because she’s part of the bridal party. The wedding is a child free one, so I don’t get why the OP is expecting her other child to be invited.

This doesn’t need to be a big deal. What a drama over nothing.

I don't think it's too late. I understand that it's a hard choice because either way you will be disappointing one of your daughters. But given that someone has to be upset anyway (I know that sounds harsh), I'd go with the option that sends the best message to both my daughters about how our family works. And yes, definitely take both girls out for a fun day instead, and praise your 9 year old for being so understanding and such a good sister, like her sister was when she found out about the bridesmaid thing... etc.

what a wonderful treat for your 9 year old. a day with mum and dad and no wee sister

I would be reframing this as big treat for both.

get 6 year old booked in with another family member. she'll not care about missing wedding

Could you find childcare that includes an amazing day out? Something like the zoo or legoland? That way your younger DD would have a fab day too.

People are entitled to choose a child free wedding, of course they are. But to then pick and choose just the ones you want to use as props on your photos is having your cake and eating it. It is thoughtless, selfish and mean and is no longer a “child free wedding”. I would explain this to the 9 year old and decline as a family.

I would be explaining to the 9 year old that very sorry she won’t be going now as her sister is not invited and so no one is going. It can be a learning lesson for her on how unkind some people can be. To invite 3 people from a family of 4 and leave a 6 year old out

i would be reevaluating the relationship anyway if a god father thinks that acceptable behaviour.

Spend the money on doing something really nice with the whole family instead

the best weddings I have been to is where whole families are invited

But it’s not clear why you assumed your other child would be invited, especially as you’d already, by your own account, been ‘very, very upset’ when a previous family wedding had been childfree apart from the children in the wedding party. You know this is a thing. You should have checked.

How do you know that two of the other pages / bridesmaids have had their siblings excluded as well?

You absolutely can still pull out, because you were not expecting this level of rudeness. I would justify it to the 9yo by taking them to an amazing weekend / day out away somewhere new and exciting (depending on your budget, a city break / water park weekend / camping / visiting friends in another city). Please don't be a pushover and accept this bizarre self centered instagram wedding culture which will use your 9yo as a cute prop.

Literally just turn up with your younger daughter. What are they going to do? If challenged say 'I assumed little sis was coming too - who on earth would think otherwise?'

Child-free except those in the bridal party if not that unusual.

If they move those boundaries and invite your child, they will no doubt get lots of grief from people who also think (for whatever reason) thier child should attend. I am sure lots of people would think they are a “special case” and before you know where you are the B&G are stuck in the middle of a load of angery people.

They have fixed a line, and are sticking to it, I don’t think it’s personal to the OP … so no idea why people are being so mean to the Bride, and looking to derail the wedding.

This is absolutely the best plan.
They are rude, you don't do that to children.

Child free weddings - fine
only immediate family members children- fine
leaving out one child from a family - not fine

you considered these people close enough to be a godparent to your child but your dc can’t get a invite to their wedding. I personally wouldn’t go (as in whole family)
But at a push your dh and 9 year old go but I would be distancing myself from them long term.

I think the bride and groom are being unkind and not thought about how your other child will feel. They have put you in an impossible situation. I would leave early on the morning of the wedding with the other child and go out somewhere special together. I would have very little contact with the bride and groom in the future.

Yes. It makes a statement. One daughter for the pictures, her sister not even allowed to attend? Sod that.

I wouldn't be leaving one of my kids out of a family celebration. Not a chance. None of us would go.

I would however happily change my mind if they were all subsequently invited, however reluctant the invitation, as family is important to me.

The OP specifies that there are two other children in the wedding party who have siblings who are not invited. Perhaps the OP could band together with the other parents to stoke her ire still further. Or, alternatively, discover they’re completely unbothered.

Child free weddings are fine. Child free apart from wedding party or only close relatives are also fine. Even your brother not including your DDs is understandable as presumably the bride was making up her own bridal party. However, it's been really dumb of this groom to not consider that his goddaughter has a little sister and that your whole family will have already talked about the wedding. Maybe you can play down the wedding as 'a rather boring grown-up party' and plan a really fun day for the younger girl, either with you or grandparents. It would be harsh to withdraw the flower girl now and you would have to come up with a reason that didn't blame her sister.

If there are children in the bridal party, then it's not a childfree wedding. It's a horrible comparison, bear with, but if I had a single nit in my hair, I still have nits, I'm not nit-free.

It might be 'childfree' to the bride and groom choosing their human props, but I think it's extremely rude, and I say this as someone who had a childfree wedding.

It's not too late to pull out, it really isn't. Tell the kids you have a lovely surprise planned, and do something together, like dressing up and going out for the day to a nice restaurant etc.

I agree OP - it’s weird and mean to the younger child. Children aren’t props to put away after the ceremony and photos.

Good for you! And I'd delegate all the dress fittings, shoe-buying and stuff to your DH or anyone else willing to pick up the slack. And I wouldn't be rushing to choose or buy a present either.