One daughter a bridesmaid one not invited

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Check out my username. I clearly have a problem.

Two years ago my brother got married and the wedding was child free but my sister-in-law’s cousin’s children were flower girls; mine were not invited. I was very, very upset.

Now my problem is one of my daughters who is 9 has actually been asked to be a bridesmaid for her Godfather’s bride. We have agreed and my daughter knows about it.

When my husband told me I was of course pleased but knew my six year old would be jealous, but it was a learning opportunity, they don’t have to do the same things, her Godfather was already married when she was born yada yada. She definitely has come to terms with it.

It now emerges that she isn’t invited. Child free apart from wedding party, just like my brother’s. Two of the other children in the wedding party also have siblings who are not invited.

I can’t believe what wedding culture has become.

I am not leaving her with anyone I will have to miss wedding.

Since it's too late to decline, one of you will have to go to the wedding with older daughter and the other do a fun thing with younger daughter. The bride and groom have simply left you no other choice. Are you upset for the snub to your younger child, or upset because you have to miss the wedding (both valid reasons)? Or both? (I'm not a huge fan of weddings, so would welcome an excuse to get out of one.)

So you make it truly child free then if you must and you don't expect friends/family to manage one child being a bridesmaid and everything that comes with that when you clearly only want them there for the instagrams whilst managing the disappointment in the 2nd child because they're completely excluded and childcare. At the root I really don't believe that it's money that has made this self-indulgence more commonplace. It's social media convincing us that a pristine, perfect wedding is more important than the actual meaning of a marriage and the combining of families.

We got married last summer 100 guests , farm , pool , open bar , married late afternoon , dinner and desserts after , 20 under 18s , lots of 3 , 4s and pre teens .
I could never not invite part of a family and not the rest , I hate how awful weddings have become . Kids were amazing , all still dancing by midnight , some much later we had 3 babysitters entertainers too .
I loved it , we got so many people telling us it was best wedding they went too , really formal to start with but really relaxed in some aspects . I can’t stand this anti child sentiment .
OP tell them you are not going and remove your child from the wedding party , your kids are humans , not props

Not all British weddings are like this either. Hardly anyone does this.

Depriving the 9 year old of a much longed for and dreamed of special event because her three years younger sister can't have it too is not going to teach her anything but resentment.

Thinking about it you could say to dd6. Daddy’s going because he’s grooms friend/ cousin etc and dd9 is going because she’s a bridesmaid. But you and I are having a fun day out instead. Then don’t make a deal of it.

It teaches loyalty and it’s exactly what it’s needed in this case . Families are before others . It’s q valuable lesson

It’s not to late if you’ve only just found out that your other dd hasn’t got an invite.

Exactly this.

That. And as a pp said, depriving the 9 year old would simply lead to resentment and at 9 a child can't really get the whole thing in perspective. She might end up blaming her little sister for her missing the opportunity, because her parents took the younger one's side and not hers.

If this had come to light much earlier, it might be different. But the older one has already been involved in the flower girl activities, and it's just mean to pull her out at this stage.

And as suggested you could use the money to have a great day out at a zoo theme park etc with treats and a toy they’ve both wanted for a while. The 9 year old would probably enjoy it much more than all the waiting around at the wedding for a few minutes of flowergirling. It’s a valid excuse for a bit of over the top spoiling.

I'm not sure why it's too late to decline. Had the special couple been up front when asking if one DD could be bridesmaid, and said the other DD wouldn't be invited, the invitation could have been declined there and them. Since they chose not to share this information, it's on them.

Exactly this

Moveoverdarlin You are describing my six year old.

I have only read up to page 5. This is not a family wedding. The groom and husband are close having grown up together with groom being Godson of MiL and late FIL.

I am Irish Catholic born in England. My husband says he believes but prefers golf, park runs and real ale so does not attend. The irony is when my youngest came DH said are we having same Godparents but I went for Step brother and his then wife who we no longer see.

I immediately thought when eldest was invited to be a bridesmaid that it would be hard for younger one but I am not entitled and while upset initially had come to terms with it. It never in a million years occurred to me that youngest wouldn’t be invited. My DH did ask but it would have involved inviting other siblings. My MiL thinks two older boys and the baby brother of the flower girl. My eldest while only nine is a bridesmaid not a flower girl.

I won’t go and go somewhere with youngest. No way would we pull out eldest as she would be so resentful, she unlike me, would see the rationale of being a Goddaughter whereas her sister isn’t.

DH has met bride many times whereas I have met her in passing a few times. She seems genuinely nice and was very nice to eldest when we met for lunch.

They are not instagram people and daughter is invited for the whole day.

I am genuinely upset, I never took my girls to birthday parties just because one of them was invited. They are two individuals but I see this as being different.

Don’t know why you posted this on mine . I’d gladly give you the date and place of daughter’s wedding and challenge you to find somewhere for the number involved . Believe me , you won’t . And it def won’t be posted on insta . She’s not a pretentious person, neither is her HTB This was purely a practical decision, we all love kids but if you consider a lot of couples have more than one child that multiplies the amounts by quite a bit. My daughter and SIL are 30+ with no children of their own but love kids . They have about 80 adults coming , SIL is a paramedic and has a lot of colleagues and a big family , so we’re looking at reception rooms 90-100 people . I’d say there’s about 20 couples with kids , that’s going to add almost the same again . There’s not many reception rooms that actually hold that amount unless you hire a huge hotel and spending mega bucks which isn’t what they wanted at all . The wedding is about them being together and wanting to be married without having to get an extra mortgage to make people happy , and it’s her teenage sister that’s going to b3 a bridesmaid , hardly a child .I do see peoples point of view and a big bash where everyone comes is great in an ideal world but since lockdown everything has become so much more expensive and people just don’t have the money . 10 years ago it would of been a lot easier to do , just giving you a recent perspective on organising a wedding reception including kids .

She’s 9 and would soon forget if you offered an alternative.
She’s 9 and doesn’t make the decisions on what’s best for the whole family.
Its not the same as not being invited to birthday parties or similar events.
No matter how nice the bride seems its an unpleasant thing to do and shows a complete lack of empathy.

I don't care how late in the day it is, how much bad feeling it will cause, how much DD1 will be upset, I'd be pulling out of the whole thing.

It's absolutely insanity to have a child in the bridal party but then a child free wedding when you know you'll be excluding siblings. Surely no-one is that selfish?

This would be an absolute line in the sand for me.

I'd just say you didn't realise that her sister wasn't invited and you can't do that to her sister. I wouldn't bother lying about not having child care - it's just so horrible to have everyone in the family invited except one! Talk about Cinderella!

I couldn't do that to my child. If they can't accommodate one extra child then I'd say well then none of us can go. That would be tough on your other daughter but it would also teach her a lesson about family solidarity that might be more important in the longer term. Do something really fun that day instead.

And honestly, if it's really "too late" in terms of organisation then the wedding party can always add one extra child.

Whilst I know that people say “it’s their wedding they can do what they want” I couldn’t fathom invite one sibling and not another. I simply wouldn’t attend if only one of my kids were invited. If it was my husband’s family I would “send” him but not sure he would go either

You need to explain nicely to the couple that leaving the bridesmaids sister out would cause huge distress and resentment so she must be included in the invitation if not the wedding party. They won't be intentionally causing trouble, I bet they just haven't thought it through.

You are wrong for allowing this. They don't give a crap about your children, they only want your 9 year old there as a photo prop.

Ah l see now, thank you. I thought OP meant the 9yr olds godfather was married before the 6yr old was born. That's why it didn't make sense to me........l will sleep tonight now lol , thank you.

I would decline for all of you, including the flower girl.
Such arrangements are thoughtless and selfish.

I don't agree that a 9 year-old will have as much fun as you seem to think: My daughter was that age when she was bridesmaId for my sister (all the children were invited though) and TBH while she enjoyed the feeling of importance and eating at the top table and the lovely dress, overall it didn't leave that much of an impression on her. There was a lot of waiting around. I think her brother had a better time.

But in any case, there's an important lesson to learn about solidarity. In the longer term, I think that's going to be more important to both girls.

It is a teaching moment, and might ensure that neither of the OP's daughters pull a stunt like this when it is their turn in the white dress.