One daughter a bridesmaid one not invited

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Check out my username. I clearly have a problem.

Two years ago my brother got married and the wedding was child free but my sister-in-law’s cousin’s children were flower girls; mine were not invited. I was very, very upset.

Now my problem is one of my daughters who is 9 has actually been asked to be a bridesmaid for her Godfather’s bride. We have agreed and my daughter knows about it.

When my husband told me I was of course pleased but knew my six year old would be jealous, but it was a learning opportunity, they don’t have to do the same things, her Godfather was already married when she was born yada yada. She definitely has come to terms with it.

It now emerges that she isn’t invited. Child free apart from wedding party, just like my brother’s. Two of the other children in the wedding party also have siblings who are not invited.

I can’t believe what wedding culture has become.

I am not leaving her with anyone I will have to miss wedding.

I had a child free wedding in the early 90s. Not new.

Totally agree.

? She wasn't even invited to the wedding. So no - no one goes. The people getting married are awful to do this.

This kind of thing affects children very deeply.

To my utter shame, I realised, many years later how I must have hurt 1 young girl by asking her younger sister and younger cousin to be flower girls and not inviting her to the wedding.
It just didn’t strike me.
🥲

I personally think I'd have to consider all the logistics before deciding... If the wedding is close enough in location for a day visit, and transport is easy, I'd carry on as planned - your dh/dd9 go to the wedding, while you and dd6 do something else that's going to be a fun treat. If it's far away and involving an overnight stay, I would probably get your dh to speak to the groom about how you can't make it because you need to care for dd6, then see if they extend the offer to all of you.
Someone declined my wedding invitation because I didn't give them a +1... sometimes you just can't. But her declining my invitation was fine. She was allowed to do that, just as much as I was allowed to not invite her DP, who I'd never met!

I’ve never come across that mindset here in Ireland. All weddings I’ve ever gone to including my own are just children who are in the bridal party or nieces and nephews of the bride and groom. Certainly not everyone invited.

I don’t agree with the kid not being invited but you don’t stop the other one doing something cos the other one can’t.

I didn’t have my BIL step daughter as a flower girl even though he step sister was but she was invited as a guest.

I also hate this we all come or no one comes attitude people have! You aren’t all attached at the hip but in this case it should have been the family unit or just the adults

I never understand why people do this when they know it will cause upset. If you want flower girls just bloody well invite the siblings. If you want a child-free wedding don’t have flower girls.

Exactly

Times move on. Traditional weddings in rural England were like that too. My wedding 20 years ago was quite the village event. Plus I have a big family. It was a choice of accepting expectations or eloping. I decided not to disappoint everyone who has loved me my whole life, so we had a big wedding with children and provided tea and cake for all the little old ladies in the village who like to come to a wedding to see the dress.

Yes so we agree

This is excellent advice. Gracious, reasonable, classy. DC9 will feel special to be a bridesmaid and have a good time at the wedding with her father (a photo of daddy/daughter dance would be a great reminder of the day), and DC6 will enjoy a special mommy/daughter day with you. Make it fancy and girly and fun.

It's by far the best way to handle this situation. If no one goes, both girls will feel guilt and resentment. You can choose to let DC 9 be a bridesmaid and not take away the fun and excitement that goes along with it, and also give DC6 a really special day of her own.

So basically:
No one goes = 🙁 for everyone.
2 separate special days = 😊 for all of you.

I know which I'd choose.

The practicalities alone are a whole load of oddness.

Parents and 9 year old invited.

6 year old not invited.

Parents and 9 year old expected to stay for the whole thing, make merry and presumably drive home at night or stay over.

6 year old is … not with them.

That’s a pretty shit invitation.

Yes, I think this is what the OP is aiming for.

I accept that had they not invited either of my daughters I would happily have gone with my husband I am not even sure that I would have pondered on his not inviting his Goddaughter.

While hurt about my brother’s wedding I can accept child free weddings but I would never imagined one sibling and not the other.

My husband did ask as soon as invitations arrived (this was after my eldest’s lunch with bride and the presents.). They just said that the others had siblings too.

I cannot imagine telling my eldest she now isn’t going because of her sister. There is not a hope that I could persuade her that she will be bored(I don’t think she will be).

So sad and I couldn’t have imagined this.

If I was 9 and really excited to be bridesmaid I would have ben really upset if one of my parents wanted to spend the day with my sister rather than spend the day with me. You don’t get many days to be a bridesmaid so I would hope that both my parents would want to see me do it.

I think you and DD6 planning a special alternative day out is the best option at this stage OP.
I don’t like what the bride and groom did, but I think that’s your best course of action now, considering your elder DD is already looking forward to her day.

What would you expect your sister to do in that situation?

Exactly this. Seems a lot of drama tbh.

How the sister feels doesn't appear to matter

I agree that it would be lovely for both parents to be at the wedding as their eldest is a bridesmaid. But, there is another child who needs to be looked after.

In this scenario, it makes perfect sense for the Dad to attend the wedding with the 9 year old and the Mum to take the 6 year old out for a special day. If it were me, I would not be palming my 6 year old off onto family for the day so she would have to spend the day with me.

If I was close enough to a wedding couple that they wanted one of my children as a bridesmaid, I would be gutted/very confused that they were not close enough to my other child to even invite her.

There was a thread on here a while back where a child was a flower girl but not invited to the actual wedding! Attending the service, then cut loose until the evening do, where the parents were also invited.

I'd stay home with 6 year old.

Jesus it hasn’t even sunk in that I will miss her doing her role, which she will do beautifully. I hope she doesn’t ask me to leave her sister with my mum.

No I can still remember not being allowed to do something as a child as my brother was" too young" to do it. Never left me that feeling and I'm mid 50s