One daughter a bridesmaid one not invited

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Check out my username. I clearly have a problem.

Two years ago my brother got married and the wedding was child free but my sister-in-law’s cousin’s children were flower girls; mine were not invited. I was very, very upset.

Now my problem is one of my daughters who is 9 has actually been asked to be a bridesmaid for her Godfather’s bride. We have agreed and my daughter knows about it.

When my husband told me I was of course pleased but knew my six year old would be jealous, but it was a learning opportunity, they don’t have to do the same things, her Godfather was already married when she was born yada yada. She definitely has come to terms with it.

It now emerges that she isn’t invited. Child free apart from wedding party, just like my brother’s. Two of the other children in the wedding party also have siblings who are not invited.

I can’t believe what wedding culture has become.

I am not leaving her with anyone I will have to miss wedding.

Our nephews getting married next year. Sadly the venue they have chosen is a strictly no under 16. So we could take our two older dds (though it's at exam time so the girls maybe couldn't go anyway) and leave the younger twins behind, this is for a 3 day event in the south of France too so not even just a day thing. I'm absolutely gutted for my kids, they absolutely adore their big cousins, but alas, they are the only kids in the family and their friendship groups so far. I've not even told the kids yet as I know how upset they'll be, my mums offered to babysit them but I don't think I can do that to them.

Agree with younentirely.

Except for the 99% bit. It seems, if this thread is anything to go by, that lots of people think it is OK to do what the Miserable Couple here have done. Because it is "their day".

Including, I'm sad to say, the OP.

That is an excellent way of viewing it - the whole family, or one adult representative. That desereves to find its way into all the Plan Your Wedding Day/ Good Manners for Weddings manuals and magazines.

I just don't know those people

Most people I know like children and think weddings are a pain in the arse.

How close is your 9 year old to the groom? Because honestly I feel like if he properly cared for her and she wasn't just a prop to fill a role you wouldn't be in this situation.
He and your DH might be close but this is a shitty thing for him to do to you and your kids.

Terrible

And yet 75% of people on this thread have voted that they think it’s unreasonable the child is left out…

Mum OP said she wasn’t going and would have the day with DD 6 …so it isn’t as you describe

Just go OP. Making some sort of stand will have zero impact and you will miss out on seeing and supporting your eldest in this important role. In the long term your eldest will remember and honestly your youngest won’t. If she does say anything then just breezily say that it’s up to the bride and groom who is invited and children not in the party weren’t and that’s fine. She’ll have a good day with granny or whoever.

A lot of the breezy leave her with granny responses are making a major assumption. We have very little information about granny and what she is prepared or able to do. Poor mite might have a very boring or miserable day with granny. Even the suggestion that mum takes her out for the day (which might not be possible given the wedding timing and getting the 9 year old ready) assumes she’ll enjoy a day without her sister for company as I imagine they usually do big fundays together.
I still think OP should bin off this wedding, pretend it’s all been cancelled and never see the miserable couple again as they are likely to do similar things in the future to the detriment of the little one. The time and money (weddings are an expensive endeavour for attendees) could be used for a fun day ours or even an overnight stay somewhere fun like Alton Towers or whatever is close.

In the case of children’s parties, the child will get to go to their own friends’ parties which their sibling won’t so it’s fair - kids are very aware of fairness!

And the other examples are adults, not a 6yo ffs. Not remotely comparable

It wouldn't be at all normal to question numbers of bridesmaids. You do have a point that it would've been nice to have both. But perhaps the couple can't afford it.

Well the OP said if neither child had been invited, her and her husband would have happily attended, so I assume there is someone (Granny or someone else) that the OP is more than happy to leave the children with.

The groom is only Godfather to the eldest child, not the youngest, so there is a specific relationship there which they are honouring in the wedding party. The youngest is basically just the daughter of his friend, and the children of friends are generally not invited to the wedding. People can disagree with it but there is a logic to the decision.

Six year olds are much less likely to ruminate on decisions if the adults around them don’t make a big deal of it, tell them it’s ok and not personal to them and then make an alternative reasonable arrangement for them.

I’m talking about the original situation which is the topic of the AIBU? The DM has changed the situation to avoid the hold being the only one in the family excluded!

The B & G intended to just exclude the one person in the family.

So it is exactly the situation that I describe.

And nothing you’ve described in your PP is the same.

Is it hard to fathom that some people are better parents than you? Staying with her child to ensure she doesn’t feel rejected or unloved, not good enough, end up in therapy as an adult etc.

These events do make a big marker in a child’s brain whether or not your adult brain can comprehend that.

The 9 year old isn’t bothered about the 6 year old’s non attendance? She is just excited about being a bridesmaid. She isn’t wanting to pull out because her sister won’t be there. It’s only her mother’s reaction (not attending) that has the potential to upset her.

The “better parenting” making sure she doesn’t feel rejected and unloved is about breezily explaining it’s ok that she isn’t going, not making the massive deal of the whole thing and making a fun alternative arrangement with a trusted family member. The flouncing out the wedding shows it IS a big deal and highlights the “rejection” more. Poor parenting in my view.

Child free weddings are fine but I would expect this to be extended to the bridesmaids. If you are having a child free wedding, why would you want children as bridesmaids? It seems rather hypocritical and can lead to scenarios like this.

No it’s not. You didn’t have all the facts at the time of acceptance. 🤷🏼‍♀️

This isn't so much about the children in question never being able to do thi gs independently.

It's potentially about a 6 Yr old not being invited to a wedding where mum, dad and big sister are attending. Weddings are a slightly bigger affair than a day out, their will likely be ongoing references to said wedding, pictures etc, of which the child will repeatedly have reinforced to her, to a degree for years to come.

Shit behaviour.

I'm not a fan of child free weddings at all.

However, in this case it would be hugely unfair to pull your 9-yr old out where she is excited and has been involved in the plans already. There is no way she won't be devastated if you cancel that (far more devastated than the younger one will be by not attending).

I think that it would be possible to explain it to the little one in a way that she won't be too upset about missing the event - it helps for explanation purposes that the only children going are those in the wedding party and that there are other brothers/sisters who have been similarly left out.

I would also try to go the wedding if I were you. Primarily because even though your dd is looking forward to it and the bride is spending time with her now, on the day the bride isn't going to have your dd as her priority. It wouldn't surprise me if there are times during the day when she wants/needs her mum - my dd was a bridesmaid at both my cousins' weddings around that age and she was definitely looking for me at times.

Does your little one have a good school friend she could spend the day with? That might be a lot more exciting a prospect than staying home with granny

Perfectly fine to have a child free wedding, but this just doesn't feel right. Its using children as accessories.