To never be able to forgive this despite the context?

[Unda110]

Suppose I’m just looming for validation really. I know I don’t need that and any decision not to be with someone is completely fair and ok if that’s how you feel… but still, I would like to hear how you’d respond to this.

When I was pregnant (30) my then partner I was living with, albeit loosely as I still had my place I went back to from time to time, left me. He cut me out of his life and despite me calling and texting in the third trimester, he did not respond to one call or text. I didn’t know what to think or why he was doing that. He got a friend to message me to say if I contact ex again then we will get a restraining order against me. I was shocked, I remember bits of the third trimester feeling so low I could barely think about the baby. Obviously after that message I didn’t speak to him again and after claiming cms he then told them he wasn’t the father. Two months later he eventually attended a dna test and was forced to pay.

When dd was 6 months he got in touch saying he wanted to see her but then whenever I suggested a date he would go quiet. Eventually he saw her at age 1 and then has seen her since (age 3). Since she was around age 2 he’s tried to get back together. Hes apologised profusely for his behaviour and said he wasn’t ready to be a father and he handled it terribly. He was 40 at the time and while the baby was unplanned at first he was enthusiastic and came to scans etc.

DD adores him and they have a lovely bond now and even though I’ve resisted reuniting with him he will often get upset after seeing her and tell me he misses us and loves us. I’ve asked him not to say these things as it makes me feel confused and I want to move on with life after all the trauma. But part of me does believe he is sorry and he doesn’t deal with emotions well.

Neither of us are dependant on the other financially or anything like that so it’s not a case of him wanting to slip into family life and me provide a home etc.

I know it probably sounds crazy I’m even questioning myself. I sometimes feel I’m letting Dd down by not giving him a chance but then when I think back to what he did I feel sick to my stomach.

That is a dreadful thing to say. I really can’t see any positives. He’s mid forties. Were he 18 it might be excusable. He will not change. He doesn’t trust or respect you. He might stand by your daughter, if it’s all love from her and minimum effort for him.

It sounds as though he has been in a relationship that has broken down and he is looking for a new berth. I do not think you can trust a man who has put you both through what he did.

Please get counselling!

You are worthy of happiness but not with this man. But… counselling before you even think of meeting someone else.

And your parents are shits too. No way would my mum be buying that sack of shit gifts or blaming me for his poor behaviour?!

He let you down at a time you needed him the most. That speaks volumes. Of course he's being nice via your dd because he wants a way back in. He didn't see his dd during the first few years suddenly he's in her life. What he pops and out of her life and yours as he did with you at the beginning? It's pretty brutal what he did. I could never trust someone like this again.
You say he has a good relationship with your dd. I'd just leave it as it is.It sounds positive. It's not broken so don't fix it.

When I told him I wanted to focus on a new life with someone I could trust he said ‘oh great so try and have another baby but kids by different fathers, awful’

Oh @Unda110 he’s an absolute pig. To go through late pregnancy and, I’m assuming, childbirth on your own must have been frightening. I wouldn’t forgive I think. I’m so sorry your parents are letting you down too. Keep binning the gifts. I agree that a bit of counselling would help you, you deserve much better than these people around you.

Don’t do this! A close friend got back with her ex after he treated her appallingly when she had her baby and she’s now bought a house with him, but I fear she’s stuck now as no options and he would screw her over financially as he did before. Her parents always encouraged them to stay together. She was always bemoaning how hard it was to meet men as a single mother.

If you have another baby or relationship that is nothing at all to do with this waste of space.

Your parents are shit to take that attitude so it’s no wonder you feel vulnerable to this, not having the support you should have. But just read back his comment about you moving on - that you would have kids by different fathers, and how awful that would be. I don’t think you even mentioned another baby, but on what actual planet is he on passing judgement on that when he’s literally been the lowest of the low deadbeat father until he decided not to be? He should get in the bin.

You would be letting your daughter down by every day role modelling a relationship based on distrust and without love. She is looking to you now to learn what happiness and healthy relationships will look like for her as an adult.

If it was your daughter asking this in 30 years, wondering whether to get back with her ex who treated her this way, what would you say? And that’s your answer, because that’s exactly how your daughter learn from what you decide.

Please do not give this man another chance, as if abandoning you while pregnant, threatening a restraining order and not seeing his daughter for at least one year is not enough, hes also made vile comments about children from different men. Ironically, if he wasnt a complete cock, that would never be the case. It has absolutely nothing to do with him what you do with your life, he obviously trusts you enough to raise his child singlehandedly.

My ex left when my baby was 11 months, havent seen or heard from him in 4 months (he saw him a couple of times over 4 months) I will never ever ever ever give him the time of day ever, if he was to crawl back. These men do not change. Ever. It is the lowest of the low abandoning your baby.

So he threatens a restraining order on the basis of one (alleged) message from your friend.

He suggests that you didn't take the pill.

When you set out reasonable expectations for a relationship you want - which isn't him - he gets nasty.

He was nowhere to be seen and actively hostile when he knew about the baby.

And you're giving even a passing thought to letting him back?????? WHY???

That doesn’t require much effort really - whilst helpful - takes a few mins of time. And probably doesn’t get in the way of him doing what he wants when he wants the rest of the time. In times where there is conflict between your needs and his needs - he will always put himself first. Guaranteed.

This is will also be more about his own self image than it is necessarily about you. He'll be wanting to 'fix' his mistake so he can be the hero again in his own internal narrative of his life story and you not being together is preventing that, he feels. It also sounds like he would probably find something else wrong if you did get back together?

What he did was jaw droppingly cuntish. You need to keep the situation as it is now. Hes just trying to reel you back in, and once he has done that, he will revert to type and be a super cunt again.

I would try to keep it very polite rather than calling him out on it.

OP, I am so sorry this happened to you. What this person did to you is unforgivable. I wouldn't trust him as far as you could throw him. Agree with others that his actions now sound like manipulation. A decent person would not do the things he's done. Well done on coming through everything you've had to face on your own. You've got this. Perhaps keep things civil but don't react to any of his attempts to get you back or just be clear that there's no going back for you now so he needs to be grateful for the current arrangement and stop the advances towards you.

When I told him I wanted to focus on a new life with someone I could trust he said ‘oh great so try and have another baby but kids by different fathers, awful’

Well yes because that's manipulation & control.
He isolates you through guilt until he feels like your only option.

See this man for the horrible bastard he is and keep your lives completely separate.
Don't tell him anything.
Keep all Comms about your DD only.
Get some counselling so you can spot others like him coming a mile off.

Your last update shows that he is indeed a shitty person. His comment regarding you having a child by another father is a disgrace when it was him that put you and your DD in that position.

What he did is unforgivable when you needed him the most.
OP think of the future and question yourself if you need this sorry excuse of a controlling man in your life.
I hope you can move on and wish you all the best for brighter days ahead.

He’s manipulating you, Dd and I bet the minute you find someone else he would disappear. He couldn’t be bothered with the hard bits of parenting as a 40 something, presumably with a good job and a means to support you when you were most vulnerable. Two different dads is better than 2 kids with 1 shit dad. You say he is a good father but that will stop when whatever else he doesn’t like or be arsed with comes up - as others have said, illness, potential special needs etc. If DD had been born disabled do you really think he would’ve stepped up? No. He waited until the dust settled and now shows up for fun days out and is able to hand her back. This would be the same if he lives with you. He’s lonely, and realises he wants someone else at home to take care of him.

Having a friend contact him on your behalf is not stalking or a step too far when he ghosted you and were about to have his child ffs. You were mot unreasonable and this is not an acceptable justification for abandonment. Your parents are deeply unreasonable and I would say to him to stop harassing you or bringing gifts via DD or visits will stop. Is he on birth certificate?

His behaviour will turn nasty and he will try to use dd against you if you meet someone else (don’t let that stop you)

Also, the minute another women who turns his head appears, I don’t doubt he would drop you again.

Every update makes him sound worse - calling having 2 children by different fathers awful, how dare he? Who does he think he is to judge? What he did was "awful" - if he hadn't behaved "awfully" then you could have had 2 children by the same father. Your parents are awful too, I couldn't imagine treating a child of mine that way. I would tell them in no uncertain terms that you will not pass on any further gifts for him from them as you find it insulting, so they'll either have to stop or post them themselves. They sound bonkers.

Please get some counselling because it's evident you have not been cherished or looked after emotionally by any of those close to you whose job it was to love you.

Abandoning your baby is really low. There's something mentally wrong with men who do this. You will never be able to trust him.

Your parents are awful, they twisted your ex’s abandonment of you pregnant and alone like a whip to condemn you. They aren’t supportive of you they actively try to destroy your reality and fawn over someone who discarded you at your most vulnerable. This isn’t parental love @Unda110 they are gaslighting you to take on the blame for anyone’s words or actions that treat you like dirt!
Your ex is just as bad, he loves the adulation your DD gives him as it feeds his ego because he isn't with her constantly. He gives you extra money and spoils her to appear father of the year and to manipulate your feelings so he can play the family man. He won’t be so generous once he realises you see through his act and won’t trust him with you and your DD happiness on someone who discards people when reality hits. He’s as supportive as a chocolate fire guard just like your parents, they love to blame you to disguise their own inadequacies. None of them have you or your DD’s back or best interests at heart only their own.

Wow, well your parents are bloody awful too! You pushed him away by trying to contact him to find out where the hell he’d gone and whether he wanted any input in your child’s life?! Right… Everyone suggesting he’s a Disney dad are totally right, he is. Ignore his controlling and manipulative remarks about you moving on as well, remember HE LEFT YOU and he has no right to comment whatsoever.

Going forward you need to ensure contact is only ever about your DD so if he tries to engage in anything outside of that, ignore.

OK, so he tells his FRIEND to back off, then. That's the correct response. I'm sorry, but this "reason" of his is just a smokescreen to try to minimise the fact that he threatened with a restraining order the woman who was heavily pregnant with his child.

Actually cannot believe he's trying to pin this on his friend.

Where are HIS parents, OP? Have they been passing along birthday gifts for you, or for their actual granddaughter? Have they met her?

It’s none of his business whether or not you find a new partner. He doesn’t get a vote. Grey rock him on this topic.