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Original poster

To never be able to forgive this despite the context?

301 replies

Unda110 · 01/05/2026 21:05

Suppose I’m just looming for validation really. I know I don’t need that and any decision not to be with someone is completely fair and ok if that’s how you feel… but still, I would like to hear how you’d respond to this.

When I was pregnant (30) my then partner I was living with, albeit loosely as I still had my place I went back to from time to time, left me. He cut me out of his life and despite me calling and texting in the third trimester, he did not respond to one call or text. I didn’t know what to think or why he was doing that. He got a friend to message me to say if I contact ex again then we will get a restraining order against me. I was shocked, I remember bits of the third trimester feeling so low I could barely think about the baby. Obviously after that message I didn’t speak to him again and after claiming cms he then told them he wasn’t the father. Two months later he eventually attended a dna test and was forced to pay.

When dd was 6 months he got in touch saying he wanted to see her but then whenever I suggested a date he would go quiet. Eventually he saw her at age 1 and then has seen her since (age 3). Since she was around age 2 he’s tried to get back together. Hes apologised profusely for his behaviour and said he wasn’t ready to be a father and he handled it terribly. He was 40 at the time and while the baby was unplanned at first he was enthusiastic and came to scans etc.

DD adores him and they have a lovely bond now and even though I’ve resisted reuniting with him he will often get upset after seeing her and tell me he misses us and loves us. I’ve asked him not to say these things as it makes me feel confused and I want to move on with life after all the trauma. But part of me does believe he is sorry and he doesn’t deal with emotions well.

Neither of us are dependant on the other financially or anything like that so it’s not a case of him wanting to slip into family life and me provide a home etc.

I know it probably sounds crazy I’m even questioning myself. I sometimes feel I’m letting Dd down by not giving him a chance but then when I think back to what he did I feel sick to my stomach.

OP posts:
Tigerbalmshark · 01/05/2026 22:22

Ohpleeeease · 01/05/2026 21:35

I mean this kindly OP but it’s your DD who is the draw, not you. You deserve someone who wants to be with you, and accepts your DD as part of the package, not the other way round.

I don’t know, I actually wonder if he is only pretending to be a decent dad because he wants a shag, and once he gets it through his head OP isn’t putting out again, he’ll get another partner and ditch his child again.

Sadly I have seen that happen more than once - man only interested in children as price of entry to a relationship, and when he gets a new relationship he becomes super-dad to the new GFs kids and ditches his own.

whatwouldlilacerullodo · 01/05/2026 22:22

He panicked when you were pregnant and threw you under the bus. He'll do the same again next time something scary happens. Do you want someone like that as a partner? You can't count on him in difficult situations, he made it very clear.

ThatsthelasttimeIplaythetartforyouJerry · 01/05/2026 22:24

I’m not a particular Taylor Swift fan but you need to listen to “we are never ever getting back together” on repeat.

Amiacoolorwarmcolour · 01/05/2026 22:29

NeverDropYourMooncup · 01/05/2026 21:08

Him being her father does not give him a right to your body, cooking and cleaning services and an ongoing obligation to care for him into his old age.

Do not feel obliged to give him that just because he's failed at getting himself a replacement.

This.

wishfulthinking25 · 01/05/2026 22:31

You deserve way, way better. I would never forgive this. Even if you could, you’d never forget and I promise it will be an awful relationship for your daughter to witness growing up. You will have your (valid) reasons and he’ll have his excuses. Too little too late.

SpryCat · 01/05/2026 22:32

He walked away from you when you were pregnant and just ruthlessly cut you out of his life. He got a friend to message you saying he would get a restraining order if you didn’t stop calling/texting him.
He denied he was the father and he was made to take a DNA test so you could get CMS for DD.
He wanted to see DD as a baby but it took six months to pin him down on a day to see her and then didn’t bother to see her again for two years!
He isn’t someone you can rely on or trust and he’s talking out of his arse! He likes the idea but it’s a pipe dream, you know he’s not dependable or trustworthy.
You are the only parent your daughter has that she can alway rely on and would walk on hot coals for her.
You deserve better than that twat and so does your DD.

Anyahyacinth · 01/05/2026 22:36

The things he did were cruel and deceitful. That's who he is. They were free choices he made.

He's only trying to change the story...because as your daughter grows she will learn what happened

He is not worth your trust, guard up ALWAYS

ItsPickleRick · 01/05/2026 22:37

What would you tell your daughter to do if she came to you in the same position as an adult?

Do that.

YourOliveBalonz · 01/05/2026 22:42

Once a deadbeat always a deadbeat, I would not entertain getting back with him for a moment. If he’s a good Dad these days then why rock the boat, hopefully he will continue to be a good Dad when you clarify you are not and will never be interested. Quite possibly his interest in being a good Dad may lessen at that point, but I hope not for your daughter’s sake.

Swiftie1878 · 01/05/2026 22:44

I think his new attitude is fantastic for you both to arrange a really lovely co-parenting arrangement. Under no circumstances should you believe that he actually wants to be with YOU. This is all about his bond with your child.

Embrace that, but don’t be hoodwinked into thinking it’s anything more.

elfendom1 · 01/05/2026 22:44

He was 40 and he did this. Stay clear of him.

MayDaySunshinePlease · 01/05/2026 22:46

Unda110 · 01/05/2026 21:05

Suppose I’m just looming for validation really. I know I don’t need that and any decision not to be with someone is completely fair and ok if that’s how you feel… but still, I would like to hear how you’d respond to this.

When I was pregnant (30) my then partner I was living with, albeit loosely as I still had my place I went back to from time to time, left me. He cut me out of his life and despite me calling and texting in the third trimester, he did not respond to one call or text. I didn’t know what to think or why he was doing that. He got a friend to message me to say if I contact ex again then we will get a restraining order against me. I was shocked, I remember bits of the third trimester feeling so low I could barely think about the baby. Obviously after that message I didn’t speak to him again and after claiming cms he then told them he wasn’t the father. Two months later he eventually attended a dna test and was forced to pay.

When dd was 6 months he got in touch saying he wanted to see her but then whenever I suggested a date he would go quiet. Eventually he saw her at age 1 and then has seen her since (age 3). Since she was around age 2 he’s tried to get back together. Hes apologised profusely for his behaviour and said he wasn’t ready to be a father and he handled it terribly. He was 40 at the time and while the baby was unplanned at first he was enthusiastic and came to scans etc.

DD adores him and they have a lovely bond now and even though I’ve resisted reuniting with him he will often get upset after seeing her and tell me he misses us and loves us. I’ve asked him not to say these things as it makes me feel confused and I want to move on with life after all the trauma. But part of me does believe he is sorry and he doesn’t deal with emotions well.

Neither of us are dependant on the other financially or anything like that so it’s not a case of him wanting to slip into family life and me provide a home etc.

I know it probably sounds crazy I’m even questioning myself. I sometimes feel I’m letting Dd down by not giving him a chance but then when I think back to what he did I feel sick to my stomach.

I can see it's tempting & I understand.

Only do it if you want to be with him. Doing it for DD wouldn't work.

i have an Ex that I thought was my forever. I wanted him back for a longtime. I still love him but wouldn't have him back now because I know he wouldn't have my back, so what's the point? It's easy to have the 'good stuff' but it's knowing someone has your back when the shit hits the fan that makes a relationship worthwhile.

after how he treated you before how could you ever relax in the relationship ? How could you trust he has your back? You couldn't! So what's the point?

seasidemum83 · 01/05/2026 22:48

The context - that he was scared about being A father ?

There was no life tragedy, severe mental health, trauma ( and even if there was I don’t know if that would excuse his behaviour)

  • also who is he surrounding himself with if his friends; none of them said ‘ what are you doing, grow up’.
To mention a restraining order is shocking Well done you for powering through, keeping your own home, pursing cm payments and congratulations on your baby/ toddler/ child.
Nearly50omg · 01/05/2026 22:48

What he’s doing is called love bombing and is another part of domestic abuse. Just be very careful around him and protect yourself and your child and NEVER forget what he did to you - AND your child!!!

LasVegass · 01/05/2026 22:48

I don’t think I could respect a man who put me through that.

Mclaren10 · 01/05/2026 22:53

Listen to your stomach.

Horrendous way to treat you.

anotherhamsandwich · 01/05/2026 22:53

Tell him that you will consider it 5 years from now if he's maintained excellent behaviour throughout. So far he's been on good dad behaviour for a very short time compared to his previous diabolical actions.

Gingercar · 01/05/2026 22:57

He’s the lowest calibre of man going. He ghosted you, threatened to get a restraining order, made out you were sleeping with other people to avoid paying until you got a paternity test. Didn’t see his daughter for ages. And then said he hadn’t been ready to be a father - when he was middle aged! There are 16 year olds more mature fathers than him!! And he thinks you should take him back??

Do yourself (and your daughter) a favour and get yourself a proper man/partner who will be a decent role model for your daughter, even though she will still see her father.

im amazed you can even stomach looking at this man, let alone consider getting back with him!

Kilofoxtrot99 · 01/05/2026 22:57

Just arrived in London in my early 20’s, discovered the Swan in Stockwell, Brixton academy, Shepards bush and Hammersmith palais, the joy of Glastonbury, raves at Vauxhall, locum working for months solid and going to Europe for the summer, dossing on peoples floors, just utter freedom and joyousness… now grown up children, early night tonight and about to retire and spend the kids inheritance buying a motor home and driving all round Europe again… great thread btw!

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 01/05/2026 22:58

He’s not just reacted badly to becoming a father though, has he? He’s treated you like absolute shit - ignoring you, abandoning you and getting a friend to threaten you with restraining orders. It’s utterly despicable and being worried about being a father is an utterly pathetic, weak, cowardly excuse. You lived together yet he denied being the father, so accused you of cheating. This treatment went on and on and on - it wasn’t a mistake or a one off.

RedLeicesterRedLeicester · 01/05/2026 23:03

Cocoa174 · 01/05/2026 21:23

You’re not letting her down, you’re protecting her.

This

beAsensible1 · 01/05/2026 23:06

Absolutely not. Ghosting his unborn child and partner at forty years old is unforgivable. Don’t let him slide, he didn’t communicate and was actively hostile when you tried. No way.

HatAndScarf33 · 01/05/2026 23:09

I think that the test of most relationships are times of big change or difficulty. Having a child is arguably one of life’s biggest changes and he completely and utterly dropped the ball. If you were ever to take him back, how would you ever feel safe and secure that he’d truly be there for you should another big change or challenge happen?

Him ghosting you while pregnant (and vulnerable), threatening a restraining order, denying paternity and then not taking proactive steps to see his child until his they were a year old, cannot be explained away by ‘not being ready’.

No, let him be a good dad and provide for his child but keep everything platonic. You deserve someone who will pull you closer during big changes or challenges and be there for you. Working together to get through things. He’s shown you when the going gets tough, he gets going! Who wants to take a chance on a future with someone like that?

Pistachiocake · 01/05/2026 23:13

It is completely up to you, but while she is young, you could give him a chance, if you are feeling like you want to? Do what you want, but don't just feel you don't have the right to change your mind.

Happyjoe · 01/05/2026 23:14

No, I think you're wise to be cautious, very cautious. He has to live with the consequences of his actions back then and the truly awful way he treated you.
The very most he can hope from you is friendship for the sake of your child, even that would be generous of you tbh.

He really needs to listen to you and stop the pressure and back off on the romance side and just be a good dad. If he doesn't back off when you've asked him to then he's not really changed imo.
Sorry you went through this OP and wish you happiness for the future.