To never be able to forgive this despite the context?

[Unda110]

Suppose I’m just looming for validation really. I know I don’t need that and any decision not to be with someone is completely fair and ok if that’s how you feel… but still, I would like to hear how you’d respond to this.

When I was pregnant (30) my then partner I was living with, albeit loosely as I still had my place I went back to from time to time, left me. He cut me out of his life and despite me calling and texting in the third trimester, he did not respond to one call or text. I didn’t know what to think or why he was doing that. He got a friend to message me to say if I contact ex again then we will get a restraining order against me. I was shocked, I remember bits of the third trimester feeling so low I could barely think about the baby. Obviously after that message I didn’t speak to him again and after claiming cms he then told them he wasn’t the father. Two months later he eventually attended a dna test and was forced to pay.

When dd was 6 months he got in touch saying he wanted to see her but then whenever I suggested a date he would go quiet. Eventually he saw her at age 1 and then has seen her since (age 3). Since she was around age 2 he’s tried to get back together. Hes apologised profusely for his behaviour and said he wasn’t ready to be a father and he handled it terribly. He was 40 at the time and while the baby was unplanned at first he was enthusiastic and came to scans etc.

DD adores him and they have a lovely bond now and even though I’ve resisted reuniting with him he will often get upset after seeing her and tell me he misses us and loves us. I’ve asked him not to say these things as it makes me feel confused and I want to move on with life after all the trauma. But part of me does believe he is sorry and he doesn’t deal with emotions well.

Neither of us are dependant on the other financially or anything like that so it’s not a case of him wanting to slip into family life and me provide a home etc.

I know it probably sounds crazy I’m even questioning myself. I sometimes feel I’m letting Dd down by not giving him a chance but then when I think back to what he did I feel sick to my stomach.

This is nuts OP. He treated you badly for at least 1 year 3 months, until he finally showed up to meet her.

This isn't something out of character and hurtful done one day and never again, this is over a year of consistently shitty selfish behaviour which put you under stress and clouded your pregnancy and first year with your daughter. He made you chase for CMS and denied paternity for goodness sake. He didn't just ghost you, he doubled down with threats of restraining orders and denials of paternity for months.

And he's still doing it now With the selfishness and stress to you.
Usihera child to manipulate you with flowers, come on OP. He was 40, a fully grown man, not 14 with unfinished brain development. He chose to act like that OP.

I'm a bit concerned your family don't seem to have higher standards for you OP. You deserve much better.

I could have written this about my daughter’s partner, only the baby was 4 weeks old when he walked out. I think he just freaked out at the thought of bringing up a child. He told me that he would never have another child. He hasn’t and my grandson is almost 30 now.
He came back into their life when his son was one year old and has been a great dad. He wanted to get back together with my daughter but she was worried that she couldn’t trust him again. It is very sad really. It is a hard decision x

He let you go through all the hard stuff alone. The bastard. Now everything looks easy, he wants to slot back in. What if things get hard again? He'll be off. You'll always be waiting for that shoe to drop.

A grown man who could treat another human being like that - and one who is carrying his child! - has got something missing inside.

When I told him I wanted to focus on a new life with someone I could trust he said ‘oh great so try and have another baby but kids by different fathers, awful’

Stop talking to him about your private life. You owe him nothing of that. You didn't end the relationship.
Just keep it to "no, I'm not going to change my mind, it is not happening and I don't want to have this conversation again." On repeat.
If he continues just "I'm not discussing this again" and shut it down. Even if he gets a upset. It's not fair of him to badger you OP and your daughter will be picking up on it a before long, he needs to stop.

@Unda110 i think your doing great , considering what your ex did to you and that your parents don’t seem to be good examples . I wonder if you ever learned healthy boundaries.
Keep doing what you are doing , and seek counseling. I am sure then you will meet someone who deserves you .

Your ex behaved terribly , he can live with his poor behavior you don’t have to .

When I told him I wanted to focus on a new life with someone I could trust he said ‘oh great so try and have another baby but kids by different fathers, awful’

This is your proof that underneath the ‘good’ dad act - and it is an act - he is still the same selfish, manipulative POS who left you pregnant, alone, threatening restraining orders and denying paternity after your child was born.

I would bet my last penny that if you were to tell him, in no uncertain terms today, that you don’t trust him, never will and no romantic relationship will ever happen and he needs to stop it right now, he will stop paying over the odds, stop making the effort with your child: because what he cares about is having his needs met, on his terms, all the time.

Given what you’ve said about your parents you have clearly been conditioned to feel like the problem when people are taking advantage of you. I’m glad you bin the presents. Get counselling, get emotional distance between you and all these awful people in your life and focus on yourself.

I'm tempted to vote yabu. But just because you are even speaking to him!

You need stronger boundaries, op. I am glad he is now a 'good father', but all contact should be just about your dd. You don't need his opinion on your life and your choices.

Fwiw, I think you've done so well. I can't imagine what you must have gone through when he abandoned you like that.
🌺
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Tell him to get in the bin.

He thinks an apology cuts it, but he is still parenting exactly and fully on his terms.

I am so so angry on your behalf. This is not a man who is capable of having a fully committed relationship with anyone but himself. He would totally be gone at the first sign of trouble.
Do you think he would step up if you got sick - he wouldn’t. You wouldn’t see him for dust.

What message does it tell him that after he did all that to you, you will still come back for more? In simple terms it tells him you are an idiot with no self worth.

My advice is to tell him that you will never again have a relationship with someone so utterly broken in their personality, I would politely but firmly reject any notion that this was behaviour and tell him you see abandoning a pregnant woman; threatening her; denying the child; and them coming back needing to be seen as good, as fully being about who he is on the inside- his character. Then laugh in his face.

After reading this it is very clear why you ended up in this situation. Sadly, it looks like you have shit parents who do not support you and who are enabling narcissistic abuser.

Whatever you have done nothing would justify what he did. And I would add my voice to the posters saying what he is doing now has the sole purpose of reeling you back into his control. Once he understands you cant leave he will be abusing you again.

Do not discus your life with him. He is not your friend, and whatever you decide to do with yourself has got nothing to do with him. You can have ten more children with ten more men - there is nothing he can do about it. His boat has sailed when he abandoned you during pregnancy. BTW a lot of people have siblings by different dads - me including - there is nothing "awful" about it. What IS awful is telling your pregnant partner you are going to get restraining order against her and then denying the kid is yours. Maybe you should remind yourself of these facts a bit more often.

As for your comment on growing old alone - you really need counselling, OP. He is not the only man on earth, and you are still very young! What a silly comment.

Tell him your relationship is purely about co-parenting. Encourage a good relationship between him and hid daughter but put firm boundaries for yourself. I would suggest using single mode of communication, not allowing him into your house and not talking about anything that does not relate to your daughter.

Honestly, your bar is so low because of your parents. How dare they say such awful things to their own daughter who was experiencing such horrible abusive behaviour from the father of her child.

I can't believe that they are sucking up to him by buying him birthday gifts. You need some serious therapy to help you deal with your daughter's disgusting father and your own disgusting parents. You have been betrayed and let down by all the adults in your life. None of these people are safe to be around you or your daughter.

This "great dad" denied your DD was his child, had nothing to do with her in her vital first 3 years - and now he wants to opt back in?

And he's nasty to you when you talk about wanting a relationship with someone more caring?

Please, OP - do NOT let this awful excuse for a man back into your life. He WILL hurt you again.

You are only considering getting back with him because your parents have brainwashed you into thinking that's all you deserve, to be with a spineless man who doesn't love you. Don't do it.

It sounds from what you say that he decided he didn’t want to be a father after all then tried to find someone new and either didn’t or it didn’t last and hasn’t found anyone better. So now the hardest part of babyhood is over he is back.
My fear is that once he truly understands you are not getting back together again, he will lose interest and break your DD’s heart. I would separate out his contact with his daughter and contact with you. A few texts arranging pick up and drop off are all he needs. Stop the heart to hearts on what went wrong. After 5 years or so, if he is still in his daughter’s life as a positive influence, then maybe thaw your attitude a little.
No way would I risk him back in my life at this time and I would try to protect my daughter to the extent I could from him repeating similar behaviour. Don’t make it easy for him to be in her life. He has to really want it for her sake alone.

Your parents and your ex are cruel and they have conditioned you to take the blame for their shitty awful behaviour.
You have coped fantastically without their support but you have to work on refusing to believe their narcissistic mind games bear any truth or good intentions. Don’t let your guard down and let anyone make her feel she is the scapegoat for anyone else’s inadequacies. You bring her up as you deserved to be brought up, with love, support and enough self worth so she knows everyone is responsible for their own actions and she knows how worthy she is!
Next time ex starts to sneer and make out any plans in the future of you having another child with someone will tar your reputation (it won’t!) I would tell him your love life and any future child you may or may not have is none of his fucking business.

Stay strong OP, keep him at arms length! Communication only about DD, your personal life is none of his business.

First post nails it.

Has he ever looked you in the eye and sincerely apologised in a way that makes you actually believe him?

I'm not saying that would sway me in any way as, in your situation, it really wouldn't. I would not consider becoming a life partner of someone who did everything he did and, as a cherry on the top, threatened me with court action after I had had his child. He is every shade of cunt and wasn't beamed up and brainwashed in that portion of his life but I wondered how much actual genuine effort he had made? @Unda110

Tell him that you will support him to have a good relationship with DD but he must not again talk about loving you and missing you. It’s GREAT that you are supporting your DD, but don’t let him get inside your head. What a bawbag.

I'm quite shocked at how you seem to be minimising this man's actions, saying he 'just' freaked out. He ran away and left your daughter to bring up their child alone for a year.

At least your daughter had the sense to see him for what he was.

This puts it perfectly.

You are wasting time and energy thinking about this ex situation when you could be out and about finding someone who will treat you and your D much better.

"oh great so try and have another baby but kids by different fathers, awful’"

He is still being a twat.

He will not get better.

Right now he's playing doting daddy thinking it will reel you back in.

Be prepared.

You have to ask yourself if something bad happened would he stick around or would he do a runner again

Are your parents quite old school in that they care a lot about outward appearances? Could they have an old fashioned embarrassment that you are a single mother? Would they prefer you just to put up and shut up with a horrible partner instead of imagined judgement?

Your ex also seems to manipulating a fear of being judged. Most sane would judge him a lot more for his abandonment than they would for you moving on with your life even if that did eventually mean another child. If he's already trying to emotionally manipulated you now imagine what he'd be like living with you. The flowers are manipulation too.

I personally would be so resentful too if he started trying to give me parenting advice or act like dad of the year for making a packed lunch once or twice. He opted out of the hard stuff, it's his own consequence that he can't play happy families now.

Finally, if you did get ill it would be better to be alone than with someone who you couldn't trust wouldn't piss off at any moment. If he stayed around would he do a good job of putting you above his own needs or would he guilt you? Or if he got ill- wouldn't you be resentful that you would need to look after him when he wasn’t there for you when you needed him most?

This from your parents is genuinely awful OP. No wonder you are feeling all over the place. They agree he has behaved in a 'shit' way but ..... Bloody hell, they are as bad as he is? Whatever your behaviour was like back then, for them to judge it when you were pregnant and dumped is appalling.

Keep him where he is now. Keep the money coming in and accept the flowers if you want but just keep your ship on an even keel and keep going. It will be interesting to see if, once he realises none of it is working on you, he will keep up with the money and the flowers or if it is all fake.

His 100% lack of empathy would have me getting the words 'restraining order' tattooed to the inside of my eyelids for the rest of my days and probably painted on the inside of my coffin lid.

The freedom program will allow you to 'see' the nature of the people in your life and also what you deserve for yourself and for your future and it isn't this failure.

Just his refusal to pay for the DD and being forced to DNA is shocking and your parents are sending him presents??? FFS!

Maybe he has genuine emotions for you but the way he freaked out and threatened you during your pregnancy is unforgivable. He is fucking crazy doolally looney Tunes.

He will leave you again.

I had an ex who left me and came back. He then left during the worst time of my life.

Your ex wants you to care for him. He wants you to cook and clean and sleep with him and make his life easier. He probably wants to get off CMS.