To never be able to forgive this despite the context?

[Unda110]

Suppose I’m just looming for validation really. I know I don’t need that and any decision not to be with someone is completely fair and ok if that’s how you feel… but still, I would like to hear how you’d respond to this.

When I was pregnant (30) my then partner I was living with, albeit loosely as I still had my place I went back to from time to time, left me. He cut me out of his life and despite me calling and texting in the third trimester, he did not respond to one call or text. I didn’t know what to think or why he was doing that. He got a friend to message me to say if I contact ex again then we will get a restraining order against me. I was shocked, I remember bits of the third trimester feeling so low I could barely think about the baby. Obviously after that message I didn’t speak to him again and after claiming cms he then told them he wasn’t the father. Two months later he eventually attended a dna test and was forced to pay.

When dd was 6 months he got in touch saying he wanted to see her but then whenever I suggested a date he would go quiet. Eventually he saw her at age 1 and then has seen her since (age 3). Since she was around age 2 he’s tried to get back together. Hes apologised profusely for his behaviour and said he wasn’t ready to be a father and he handled it terribly. He was 40 at the time and while the baby was unplanned at first he was enthusiastic and came to scans etc.

DD adores him and they have a lovely bond now and even though I’ve resisted reuniting with him he will often get upset after seeing her and tell me he misses us and loves us. I’ve asked him not to say these things as it makes me feel confused and I want to move on with life after all the trauma. But part of me does believe he is sorry and he doesn’t deal with emotions well.

Neither of us are dependant on the other financially or anything like that so it’s not a case of him wanting to slip into family life and me provide a home etc.

I know it probably sounds crazy I’m even questioning myself. I sometimes feel I’m letting Dd down by not giving him a chance but then when I think back to what he did I feel sick to my stomach.

This is not a partner. This is just your DD’s dad.

Do you feel anything for him? I think that’s reason no. 1.

Your daughter may grow up thinking she should just settle for someone that doesn’t treat her right and left when she was expected.

He is awful for that and you can remind him. He left you and your daughter, threatened you, and now is manipulating you by commenting like that.

You are right to be cautious, he has behaved appallingly and there’s no coming back from that. Not without many years of him proving his worth to you and your daughter.
How are you ever going to feel secure that he won’t abandon you again? Abandoning his pregnant girlfriend and refusing to support his child is objectively one of the worst possible things a man could do.

I thought this as well. He’s not likely to
react well to not getting what he wants.

This.

He walked out, threatens a restraining order and Denies paternity and you worry you are the one letting your child down?

When people show you who they are, believe them. Don’t

So he threatened you with a restraining order and your parents supported him and are encouraging him (paying him?) to get back into your life. Don't even think about it for a second. He sounds like an abusive cu t and your parents not much better. Decent people don't threaten restraining orders and loving parents don't support an ex over their own child.

I know… what a tit- sorry! 😆

Can I suggest you re-evaluate the "he's a great Dad" claim. No one who behaves the way he did and is doing to you is likely to be a great Dad. I'm sure your daughter has fun with him in the time they spend together but I also would be surprised if he's shown himself capable of genuinely supporting her - my bet is he's a Disney dad, its all fun but he does none of the hard stuff with her and makes sure his relationship with her is on his terms. My nearly 3 year old has gone through a month of huge emotional outbursts due to potty training with me because i am their safe space - i bet this guy wouldn't be able to cope with a single hour long tantrum and he's probably never had to as for all her adoration I bet your daughter doesn't trust him enough to be that vulnerable. How much does he even see her. A fun day once a week is a lot easier than the 24/7 grind of real parenting.

It sounds like you are still convincing yourself this is the right thing to do. You’ve got issues here that you need to deal with caused by your parents and him and your self esteem has been hit massively. Why are you explaining to this man the relationship you want and letting him speak to you like that. I feel like no matter what you are actually gonna give this a go and I’m telling you it will be the biggest mistake of your life, please don’t do it, please don’t entertain this bullshit of flowers and being the best dad ever, he’s a shit dad he left you heavily pregnant and didn’t see his baby for a year he’s a complete shit dad who is stepping up to get back in your knickers then it will all disappear. Why do you say it will be better than growing old alone? He’s not the only man on the planet, meet someone new and fuck this one off he’s bad news from start to finish and your parents are bloody horrible saying that to you, I do really feel for you. If a man had left me heavily pregnant and disappeared for 12 months there’s not a chance in hell my parents would ever speak to him again let alone buy him gifts to encourage him to be a good dad - do some people hear themselves when they speak and not realise how completely fucked up it sounds. Good luck OP

These posts have honestly made me cry. I keep going and never share this stuff and I am amazed that every poster has said the same thing.

It’s made me think deeper about his behaviour. I remember one point when he was ignoring me I had to stay in hospital overnight as I had some bleeding. I called him from my friend’s phone as I had forgotten my phone when in my rush to leave and he answered, obviously not knowing who it was, and when I told him I was bleeding he hung up. I had forgotten this. I feel like I will never be able to meet someone new now as I am so horrendously hurt and damaged. I’m unlikely to experience a happy pregnancy now I’m late thirties. It’s so painful.

💐💐💐

Honestly find a good therapist who you have raport with. (Most workplaces offer therapy as an enhanced benefit and people forget)

Separately and I know this isnt the point but my friends/acquaintances and I who had husbands and "normal" pregnancies spent most of it complaining about all the IG bullshit nonsense of women prancing about in flower wreaths.
The only one that thought it was "magical" was (honestly) dumb as a shoe and oblivious/ unaware of all the things thst can go wrong. luckily she had a 6.5lbs baby at home without injury which she fully attributed to being relaxed and breathing well.... 🫠

Both my pregnancies were anxious stressful times and I dont think i am special in that.
We are missold this dumb myth that its all flowing dresses and corn fields...

Dont waste time thinking about the ideal pregnancy its displacement.

I'd also suggest staying single for a time as your parents and this horrible betrayal by your child's father likely mean your barometer will likely be a bit off (couple with the fact there are very few good men out there).

Do you love him?? I think we can all see the answer to that one. So absolutely not. Tell him firmly to STOP with the whining and emotional blackmail. You dont want to hear it. He sounds emotionally unstable and Id be thinking twice about letting him see her on his own tbh.

You were vulnerable. He let you and your daughter down. Never forget that

I suggest counselling (to get over him) or therapy (to develop self esteem and confidence). Once you truly believe and know that you deserve better, everything will be a lot easier

At that stage, message him "I respect your relationship with daughter X but i do not wish a romantic relationship with you. Please don't ask again". If he keeps asking, send this exact message again, or ignore him. Don't engage with conversation about it. He should respect your boundary, as you previously respected his

A leopard never changes its spots!
Don't let the same snake bite you twice !

You deserve so, so, so much better

OP he is trying to win you back. It's like a personal challenge to him. He realises that he's getting on in age and now wants his ready made family because it suits him now. For someone to take a restraining order out on a pregnant woman for no reason is plain nasty. Once you give in he will revert back to his real self. You are still young and can do so much better than him. If you give yourself a chance to be happy with someone else you can still have him about only as your child's father not your partner.

OP he is trying to win you back. It's like a personal challenge to him. He realises that he's getting on in age and now wants his ready made family because it suits him now. For someone to take a restraining order out on a pregnant woman for no reason is plain nasty. Once you give in he will revert back to his real self. You are still young and can do so much better than him.

This ☝️ 💯 million percent!

He hasn't changed.
He's still a selfish twat.
He's trying to be a Disney dad to look good and win you back. 🫩

Good fathers don't walk away from pregnant spouses and then deny and never see their child until their older.
He is not a good father. 😠

He is an actor at best.

Swerve his romantic advances.
Set boundaries.
If he oversteps them, then call time.
@Unda110

He deserted you at a time when you really needed him. You know exactly what kind of man he is. He didn't just freak out and leave which would have been bad enough. His treatment of you was extremely nasty and there is no excuse for that. How dare he think he is even remotely good enough to be in with a chance with you now.

I’m sorry, personally I wouldn’t be able to forgive him for leaving when pregnant and no contact with a newborn. Which is the time you need the most support. If you was to give him a second chance he may bail out again if family life becomes difficult. In turn causing your DD and yourself more trauma. He is not reliable and trustworthy and he has shown this in the past. It’s great he has a good relationship with DD but concentrate on your future with DD without him being a permanent fixture x

Obviously no chance going back to someone so horrible. You have seen the real him and now he's trying to play happy families but God knows when the real him will come out again.

Your parents sound horrible.

I am sure you will find a nicer man than this eventually but you might need to work on overcoming the trauma first.

Stick to your guns.
Stick to your gut.
It was unforgivable.
Your daughter is better off with a Disney Dad than a Dad living there who then starts taking you both for granted.
He is a flake. And as the great Maya said, "When someone really shows you who they truly are, believe them the first time."
Do not get back together for your little girl.
Get back out there dating.
In your ex's eyes, you are now the one that got away.
Stay that way.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Do the online freedom programme so you can spot the red flags that he's very obviously displaying....

This is appalling. I'm so sorry you went through this. What a strong woman you are to have come out the other side.

HE LET HER DOWN!!! His behaviour was despicable. He may have stepped up now, and for your daughter’s sake it’s good that he has done that, but he has to deal with the consequences of his own actions. You owe him nothing, and you are not letting her down by refusing to capitulate to his emotional blackmail.
The question should be do YOU want to be with him?

How dare he behave this way after he left you heavily pregnant and tried to shirk his responsibilities as a father. Presumably you had feelings for this man and he trampled all over them.
Now he is badgering you to get back together because that's what he wants now.
He had never once considered how you feel or behaved in a mature, kind way.
He is selfish in the nth degree.