To never be able to forgive this despite the context?

[Unda110]

Suppose I’m just looming for validation really. I know I don’t need that and any decision not to be with someone is completely fair and ok if that’s how you feel… but still, I would like to hear how you’d respond to this.

When I was pregnant (30) my then partner I was living with, albeit loosely as I still had my place I went back to from time to time, left me. He cut me out of his life and despite me calling and texting in the third trimester, he did not respond to one call or text. I didn’t know what to think or why he was doing that. He got a friend to message me to say if I contact ex again then we will get a restraining order against me. I was shocked, I remember bits of the third trimester feeling so low I could barely think about the baby. Obviously after that message I didn’t speak to him again and after claiming cms he then told them he wasn’t the father. Two months later he eventually attended a dna test and was forced to pay.

When dd was 6 months he got in touch saying he wanted to see her but then whenever I suggested a date he would go quiet. Eventually he saw her at age 1 and then has seen her since (age 3). Since she was around age 2 he’s tried to get back together. Hes apologised profusely for his behaviour and said he wasn’t ready to be a father and he handled it terribly. He was 40 at the time and while the baby was unplanned at first he was enthusiastic and came to scans etc.

DD adores him and they have a lovely bond now and even though I’ve resisted reuniting with him he will often get upset after seeing her and tell me he misses us and loves us. I’ve asked him not to say these things as it makes me feel confused and I want to move on with life after all the trauma. But part of me does believe he is sorry and he doesn’t deal with emotions well.

Neither of us are dependant on the other financially or anything like that so it’s not a case of him wanting to slip into family life and me provide a home etc.

I know it probably sounds crazy I’m even questioning myself. I sometimes feel I’m letting Dd down by not giving him a chance but then when I think back to what he did I feel sick to my stomach.

As pp said, he is selfish and he has low emotional intelligence too. One thing to bear in mind: he may be a ‘great dad’ now and I’m sure your DD adores him, but it’s not very difficult to be that with a young child. When her needs become more complex (as a teenager with all the angst that brings for example) she may well find him lacking. She will also know he disappeared from her life, denied paternity and didn’t even know her as a baby (I wouldn’t lie to her about that when she’s older). Don’t be surprised if your DD as an adult either - best case scenario - sees him as a flawed and not fantastic dad that she sees occasionally or, quite possibly, just a complete waste of space.

Hell no. By all means let him be the best dad he can to DD. That’s as far as it goes.

But as for getting back together with him - he was 40 when he abandoned you, not 18. I was waiting for a drip feed of some kind of psychotic break, but he just “wasn’t ready to be a dad”. You didn’t get a choice about being ready to be a single mum, he did that to you.

Moreover, nothing you have said suggests you actually want to be in a relationship with him, just that you feel guilty about not having a picture perfect family. Well, neither do millions of other kids - and their dads bothered to turn up to the birth.

You and your DD will be just fine.

You are hurt OP, and this has burnt you. But that's not all you are. I know it sounds trite but focus on the good. You are a mother and you have shown strength - you got through that pregnancy and have been raising your 3 year old and holding down a life for you both.

You have your daughter. Look at who else is around you. Do you still have the friend you mentioned, who contacted your ex?

Limit your communication and contact with your ex to the absolute necessary minimum. He's been nagging you for a year and that's a joke OP. Tell him you don't want to hear it and arrange handovers so he can't start nagging again. Don't reply to messages about reconciliation, shut down talk of him missing you. It's entirely his doing that you aren't together he needs to just live with the consequences.

If you wobble or feel bad remember he hung up on you when you were in hospital and denied his daughter pre and post birth. Is that the sort of partner you'd want for her? Of course not and it's not good enough for you either.

Buys flowers for DD to give me… that’s not on, is weaponising a child, if your DD was a bit older she would be totally confused about why mum doesn’t want to go back to daddy who is so nice.

You leave the children out of it. It is not fair to involve them in the issues, wether that is talking bad about the ex or trying to persuade a reluctant mother to go back to someone who left her at her most vulnerable time.

Sorry, I’m sure I’m late on this thread and surely you are gone now.

He may have not been prepared to be a parent but neither did you, in fact nobody is, whether you planned the pregnancy or not, having and raising a kid is always and endless succession of shock and surprises. How do we react to it is what counts, you can choose to stay put to support your kid and the mother or run away claiming is not your child which is the lowest of the low.

Having read the full thread now, and seeing he resorted to offend you when you said you wanted to move on with your life with someone else… well he has shown you his true nature, at his worst several times. Your stupid parents may be saying that it was your behaviour that drew him away but honestly… it is not that you can be at your most sensible and measured when you are full of hormones and very very scared of being left raising a child on your own just a couple of months before the birth, any woman who has been dismissed by their partner during pregnancy, and being ghosted in the last trimester of the pregnancy would have panicked and tried to get the guy back or find some closure OP.

Now, counseling may help but there is something very important to keep in mind: Don’t you go and start seeing yourself as a victim as that disempowers you, instead choose to see yourself as a survivor who have managed to raise above all that grievance to raise a happy child and even open the door for DD and dad to have a relationship. That takes a good and very strong heart so don’t let anyone convince you otherwise, you are doing great rejecting his advances.

This has concerned me op

Your parents dont sound too good to you - do you have anyone who cares about you to support you in life?

I wouldnt go back. Cutting you off and threatening a restraining order doesnt happen in normal life. There had to be something else that went on

You deserve a better man than him x

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

You cannot seriously be considering getting back together with this fucker?

Walked out on his kids before she was even born , lowest of the low. Both deserve better.

Can't believe his comment regarding different fathers. Thats his fault! For being such a loser.

It’s good to cry and let the emotions out. You have had a lucky escape from a toxic man.
My ex hub told me he no longer loved me while I was having a miscarriage, and then took another woman out while I stayed at home miscarrying. The emotional as well as physical pain was immense. We divorced within the year but share a child. He tried to get back with me also but I could not trust him again. That was years ago. As it turns out he is a damaged toxic narcissist…. I just had not seen it before. He has had partners since and also treated them badly. He also has been an unreliable father who is off and on again with his child. Sometimes lots of attention and other times withdrawing it. Eg starting up pocket money weekly then stopping it after 6 weeks never to be resumed but replaced by gifts…. For 4 weeks then ceased. Sometimes an easter egg other times nothing. Everything based on his feelings at that time. So my point is that as well as keeping up your boundaries also be mindful of your child’s exposure. Be the constant for her. Thank you lucky stars that he showed you who he was early on. As hurtful as he was to you he has possibly saved you years of worse hurt being with him when he is emotionally absent / incapable/ cruel.

it may not seem it now … but in time you will recover and be stronger for it. You will eventually meet someone who values you fur who you are. Until then stay strong for you and your daughter because you deserve so much more than that low life x

This!!
When I read your post:
"when he was ignoring me I had to stay in hospital overnight as I had some bleeding... he answered, obviously not knowing who it was, and when I told him I was bleeding he hung up."

All I could think was..just imagine if your DD was ill or you were ill again and DD needed him and that was his response. Just awful.

What is it that has changed since this 43 year old adult behaved like that towards you? How come he's suddenly seen the light, rejected the dark side and decided to behave like a human being? Or is it just temporary whilst he's in the mood to play Dad?

This is not "a great dad" this is "a great at the moment dad who wants something in return for the great dad act." and that could end at anytime.

He's come back and is turning your life upside down again. He's busy finding out what your future plans are and is making judgement calls, effectively telling you what behaviour he expects from you. Why?

I would not be doing a single thing to facilitate or encourage him to be a good father to your DD. Not a thing. Why should you be hoping and praying and making all the effort and running to achieve that? If he wanted to, he would, simple as that. And he didn't want to, for quite some time.

I would leave it entirely up to him whether he makes arrangements to see her or not, because I wouldn't want my child to get really attached to someone who was essentially play acting the part and then be dumped when it no longer suited him. He was cruel and callous to you and I would want to protect my DD from his instability and meanness as much as possible. I wouldn't trust him again.
Your DD has a great parent she can rely on - you. I would worry about the lessons she would learn from a manipulative con man/chancer.

I very rarely comment on posts but this one has broken my heart. You are SO MUCH mor
e than you think. The way he has treated you has been abhorrent and the way he is treating you now through your lovely child is manipulative and vindictive. I totally understand how you feel. It may feel like things could be different given his recent behaviour but I sincerely hope you can draw strength for you and your child and keep him at arms length. They so rarely change and you deserve SO SO much more. Sending you all the best wishes and I send you so much strength. K

Do not trust him.

@Unda110

Great that you’re doing some processing. Defo think some therapy would be a good idea!

What he did is unforgivable. Sure, maybe he is genuinely remorseful, and maybe he’s a better person now, wonderful he had some personal growth.

You are protecting your DD, not letting her down.

Enjoy an amicable and healthy co-parenting relationship while it lasts….

“When I told him I wanted to focus on a new life with someone I could trust he said ‘oh great so try and have another baby but kids by different fathers, awful’ “

This quote from your previous update makes me think it won’t.

You deserve to move on with your life and be with someone who actually wants to be with you, it’ll start getting tricky and there is a good chance he’ll vanish again. Don’t let that stop you from trying to move on and be happy though. Do not settle for him or nothing, they are not the only options!

So what you are saying is that he does the minimum as a parent and now he is using his daughter to manipulate you?

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Lots of people want things that they cannot have. He needs to understand that no means no. You are not responsible for his feelings.

The only way that buying flowers is okay would be if it is your birthday or Mother’s Day for example and he is buying them for your daughter to gift you from HER, not a gift that your daughter is passing on to you from HIM. The former is setting an example of how a child should treat a loving parent. However, in the context you explain it doesn’t sit right.

For the sake of you and your daughter. Stay away!

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5530057-26-weeks-pregnant-and-ex-has-sent-me-a-letter-i-am-broken?page=3&reply=152318943

Another Poster in an identical position. ^^