To never be able to forgive this despite the context?

[Unda110]

Suppose I’m just looming for validation really. I know I don’t need that and any decision not to be with someone is completely fair and ok if that’s how you feel… but still, I would like to hear how you’d respond to this.

When I was pregnant (30) my then partner I was living with, albeit loosely as I still had my place I went back to from time to time, left me. He cut me out of his life and despite me calling and texting in the third trimester, he did not respond to one call or text. I didn’t know what to think or why he was doing that. He got a friend to message me to say if I contact ex again then we will get a restraining order against me. I was shocked, I remember bits of the third trimester feeling so low I could barely think about the baby. Obviously after that message I didn’t speak to him again and after claiming cms he then told them he wasn’t the father. Two months later he eventually attended a dna test and was forced to pay.

When dd was 6 months he got in touch saying he wanted to see her but then whenever I suggested a date he would go quiet. Eventually he saw her at age 1 and then has seen her since (age 3). Since she was around age 2 he’s tried to get back together. Hes apologised profusely for his behaviour and said he wasn’t ready to be a father and he handled it terribly. He was 40 at the time and while the baby was unplanned at first he was enthusiastic and came to scans etc.

DD adores him and they have a lovely bond now and even though I’ve resisted reuniting with him he will often get upset after seeing her and tell me he misses us and loves us. I’ve asked him not to say these things as it makes me feel confused and I want to move on with life after all the trauma. But part of me does believe he is sorry and he doesn’t deal with emotions well.

Neither of us are dependant on the other financially or anything like that so it’s not a case of him wanting to slip into family life and me provide a home etc.

I know it probably sounds crazy I’m even questioning myself. I sometimes feel I’m letting Dd down by not giving him a chance but then when I think back to what he did I feel sick to my stomach.

As pp said, he is selfish and he has low emotional intelligence too. One thing to bear in mind: he may be a ‘great dad’ now and I’m sure your DD adores him, but it’s not very difficult to be that with a young child. When her needs become more complex (as a teenager with all the angst that brings for example) she may well find him lacking. She will also know he disappeared from her life, denied paternity and didn’t even know her as a baby (I wouldn’t lie to her about that when she’s older). Don’t be surprised if your DD as an adult either - best case scenario - sees him as a flawed and not fantastic dad that she sees occasionally or, quite possibly, just a complete waste of space.

Hell no. By all means let him be the best dad he can to DD. That’s as far as it goes.

But as for getting back together with him - he was 40 when he abandoned you, not 18. I was waiting for a drip feed of some kind of psychotic break, but he just “wasn’t ready to be a dad”. You didn’t get a choice about being ready to be a single mum, he did that to you.

Moreover, nothing you have said suggests you actually want to be in a relationship with him, just that you feel guilty about not having a picture perfect family. Well, neither do millions of other kids - and their dads bothered to turn up to the birth.

You and your DD will be just fine.

You are hurt OP, and this has burnt you. But that's not all you are. I know it sounds trite but focus on the good. You are a mother and you have shown strength - you got through that pregnancy and have been raising your 3 year old and holding down a life for you both.

You have your daughter. Look at who else is around you. Do you still have the friend you mentioned, who contacted your ex?

Limit your communication and contact with your ex to the absolute necessary minimum. He's been nagging you for a year and that's a joke OP. Tell him you don't want to hear it and arrange handovers so he can't start nagging again. Don't reply to messages about reconciliation, shut down talk of him missing you. It's entirely his doing that you aren't together he needs to just live with the consequences.

If you wobble or feel bad remember he hung up on you when you were in hospital and denied his daughter pre and post birth. Is that the sort of partner you'd want for her? Of course not and it's not good enough for you either.

Buys flowers for DD to give me… that’s not on, is weaponising a child, if your DD was a bit older she would be totally confused about why mum doesn’t want to go back to daddy who is so nice.

You leave the children out of it. It is not fair to involve them in the issues, wether that is talking bad about the ex or trying to persuade a reluctant mother to go back to someone who left her at her most vulnerable time.

Sorry, I’m sure I’m late on this thread and surely you are gone now.

He may have not been prepared to be a parent but neither did you, in fact nobody is, whether you planned the pregnancy or not, having and raising a kid is always and endless succession of shock and surprises. How do we react to it is what counts, you can choose to stay put to support your kid and the mother or run away claiming is not your child which is the lowest of the low.

Having read the full thread now, and seeing he resorted to offend you when you said you wanted to move on with your life with someone else… well he has shown you his true nature, at his worst several times. Your stupid parents may be saying that it was your behaviour that drew him away but honestly… it is not that you can be at your most sensible and measured when you are full of hormones and very very scared of being left raising a child on your own just a couple of months before the birth, any woman who has been dismissed by their partner during pregnancy, and being ghosted in the last trimester of the pregnancy would have panicked and tried to get the guy back or find some closure OP.

Now, counseling may help but there is something very important to keep in mind: Don’t you go and start seeing yourself as a victim as that disempowers you, instead choose to see yourself as a survivor who have managed to raise above all that grievance to raise a happy child and even open the door for DD and dad to have a relationship. That takes a good and very strong heart so don’t let anyone convince you otherwise, you are doing great rejecting his advances.

This has concerned me op

Your parents dont sound too good to you - do you have anyone who cares about you to support you in life?

I wouldnt go back. Cutting you off and threatening a restraining order doesnt happen in normal life. There had to be something else that went on

You deserve a better man than him x

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

You cannot seriously be considering getting back together with this fucker?

Walked out on his kids before she was even born , lowest of the low. Both deserve better.

Can't believe his comment regarding different fathers. Thats his fault! For being such a loser.