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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never be able to forgive this despite the context?

308 replies

Unda110 · 01/05/2026 21:05

Suppose I’m just looming for validation really. I know I don’t need that and any decision not to be with someone is completely fair and ok if that’s how you feel… but still, I would like to hear how you’d respond to this.

When I was pregnant (30) my then partner I was living with, albeit loosely as I still had my place I went back to from time to time, left me. He cut me out of his life and despite me calling and texting in the third trimester, he did not respond to one call or text. I didn’t know what to think or why he was doing that. He got a friend to message me to say if I contact ex again then we will get a restraining order against me. I was shocked, I remember bits of the third trimester feeling so low I could barely think about the baby. Obviously after that message I didn’t speak to him again and after claiming cms he then told them he wasn’t the father. Two months later he eventually attended a dna test and was forced to pay.

When dd was 6 months he got in touch saying he wanted to see her but then whenever I suggested a date he would go quiet. Eventually he saw her at age 1 and then has seen her since (age 3). Since she was around age 2 he’s tried to get back together. Hes apologised profusely for his behaviour and said he wasn’t ready to be a father and he handled it terribly. He was 40 at the time and while the baby was unplanned at first he was enthusiastic and came to scans etc.

DD adores him and they have a lovely bond now and even though I’ve resisted reuniting with him he will often get upset after seeing her and tell me he misses us and loves us. I’ve asked him not to say these things as it makes me feel confused and I want to move on with life after all the trauma. But part of me does believe he is sorry and he doesn’t deal with emotions well.

Neither of us are dependant on the other financially or anything like that so it’s not a case of him wanting to slip into family life and me provide a home etc.

I know it probably sounds crazy I’m even questioning myself. I sometimes feel I’m letting Dd down by not giving him a chance but then when I think back to what he did I feel sick to my stomach.

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 01/05/2026 21:08

Him being her father does not give him a right to your body, cooking and cleaning services and an ongoing obligation to care for him into his old age.

Do not feel obliged to give him that just because he's failed at getting himself a replacement.

Alwaysthesameoldstory · 01/05/2026 21:12

You are not letting your DD down at all OP.
What he did during your pregnancy with his child is not something that is redeemable.

AllyMacbealmyarse · 01/05/2026 21:12

He’s a shit and fucked you over. How could you ever trust him. Put him in the bin and tell him if he continues to stay stuff like this you’ll get a restraining order (or supervised contact).

ElephantPidgeon · 01/05/2026 21:14

He is trash.

BatFeminist · 01/05/2026 21:17

Do not forgive because of the context. He doesn’t deserve you

Original poster
Unda110 · 01/05/2026 21:17

Sorry I meant to add that he genuinely is a great dad to dd now. And he is decent towards me, pays substantially more than cms states, buys flowers for dd to give to me and things like that.

OP posts:
HortiGal · 01/05/2026 21:19

I was waiting for he was very young, but 40?!?
He sounds pathetic and selfish, you’re doing fine without him.

Bridgertonisbest · 01/05/2026 21:23

He’s shown you who he is. Believe him.

Cocoa174 · 01/05/2026 21:23

You’re not letting her down, you’re protecting her.

DavesGirl90 · 01/05/2026 21:23

Unda110 · 01/05/2026 21:17

Sorry I meant to add that he genuinely is a great dad to dd now. And he is decent towards me, pays substantially more than cms states, buys flowers for dd to give to me and things like that.

He does these things because he’s trying to get you back. He doesn’t actually want you though or he wouldn’t have fucked off in the first place. He just wants what he can’t have and, like you, has a fantasy about the family you three could be together. But it wouldn’t be the way either of you want it to be, because he isn’t capable.

If you take him back he will treat you like dirt again. What he did to you was unforgivable. I don’t need to know you to know you deserve more.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 01/05/2026 21:29

Thing is, even if he has changed, will you ever really be able to trust that he won't do it again?

Ohpleeeease · 01/05/2026 21:35

I mean this kindly OP but it’s your DD who is the draw, not you. You deserve someone who wants to be with you, and accepts your DD as part of the package, not the other way round.

faithfultoGeorgeMichael · 01/05/2026 21:47

Let him stay as the ex who treated you like shit so now has to be on best behaviour. Do not move him into partner territory, he has shown you who he is.

Templeofthedog · 01/05/2026 21:49

I think it's really telling that there's nothing in your posts about how you feel about him OP, just how he and DD feel. So you wouldn't be getting into a relationship with him for the right reasons, it's guilt (misplaced, you have nothing to feel guilty about) and the pressure of his feelings driving this rather than any real desire on your part to be with him. Don't get caught up in feeling you're letting DD down in some way, it's quite the opposite. You are informed by past experience of her Dad that she is blissfully unaware of and are protecting her accordingly.

Whettlettuce · 01/05/2026 21:49

So the grass wasn't greener and he wants to circle back because he can't find a replacement. That's literally all this is op ,don't over think it . If I was in your shoes I would be setting very firm boundaries and getting contact drawn up in court and using either a charity contact centre or a friend or family member for handovers . Regardless of whether he's a good father or not does not mean that will not all go out the window if he gets his feet under your table.

5128gap · 01/05/2026 21:57

You haven't forgiven him (understandably) and you have trauma from what he put you through. The only reason you can entertain the idea of him is because at the moment you are living well without him which gives you strength and confidence. If you got back together and enmeshed your lives, I think this might change, as you'd be living with the fear he could do it again and destroy all you've built without him.
Maybe one day this could change, but its too soon now.

FaceIt · 01/05/2026 21:57

After going through something like that, I don’t think you could ever trust him again.

But the question isn’t for us it’s for you to decide if you still love him if you think you could ever trust him again?

ButterYellowHair · 01/05/2026 22:06

Of course I’d never forgive any of that. He ghosted his pregnant girlfriend aged 40 and left her to do it all alone. Disgusting.

Imagine if you did get back together. Moved in together. Trusted him slowly. And then he did it again. Ran away. Would you survive that? Would DD?

JanBlues2026 · 01/05/2026 22:10

No way in hell, unforgivable

Random321 · 01/05/2026 22:11

If he's a better man now, fantastic and all the better to co-parent with.

It still doesn't change the fact that he treated your terribly when at yoir most vulnerable. He was also a grown man at that stage too so no excuse for his behaviour.

If you get back together, you will most likely be terrified that he'll do the same again if you get pregnant again.

It's also not that long ago. It's easy fake being a reformed man for a short time, especially when there's an agenda.

Over time, you might have more reassurance that he has fundamentally changed and can revisit it then if it still suits but right now he doesn't deserve you or a second chance.

Your daughter will be fine - she has a mum with boundaries and a dad who is trying to do better.

nutbrownhare15 · 01/05/2026 22:13

What he did is completely unforgivable. He's sorry now the really hard parts are over and he just wants the best bits for himself which he absolutely does not deserve.

Endofyear · 01/05/2026 22:14

I would never forgive him for that, ever. Have you been giving him mixed messages OP when he tells you he wants you back? I would tell him very firmly that there is not a chance in hell that you would ever take him back, ever. That it's not going to happen and you will not listen to any more of his declarations of love. Tell him you do not love him and you will never want to be with him.

It's nice that he has established a good relationship with your daughter and that he pays maintenance for her (having been forced to!) but I would never forget that he abandoned her and you so cruelly and is capable of walking out of her life again.

You need to start to move on with your life and keep him at arms length - keep your interactions with him strictly about arrangements for your daughter and nothing else. Don't tell him anything else about your life and don't listen to anything about his that doesn't pertain to your daughter. He's not your friend. He's your child's father and that's all.

Calendulaaria · 01/05/2026 22:18

If you trust him again, it will be on you if he acts the same way. He has shown you his true character. Don't get sucked in by someone that manipulative.

CharSiu · 01/05/2026 22:18

NO and do not contemplate it for a moment he sounds like a shit person. Just because he has actually done some parenting which he should doesn’t suddenly make him great.

harrietm87 · 01/05/2026 22:22

Fully agree with the consensus on here. He isn’t worth the time of day. You’ve been so gracious and generous to facilitate a relationship between your DD and him after how he treated you and her.

You won’t ever be able to trust him again. If you co-parent amicably there is much less chance of it breaking down and that upsetting your DD.

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