To never be able to forgive this despite the context?

[Unda110]

Suppose I’m just looming for validation really. I know I don’t need that and any decision not to be with someone is completely fair and ok if that’s how you feel… but still, I would like to hear how you’d respond to this.

When I was pregnant (30) my then partner I was living with, albeit loosely as I still had my place I went back to from time to time, left me. He cut me out of his life and despite me calling and texting in the third trimester, he did not respond to one call or text. I didn’t know what to think or why he was doing that. He got a friend to message me to say if I contact ex again then we will get a restraining order against me. I was shocked, I remember bits of the third trimester feeling so low I could barely think about the baby. Obviously after that message I didn’t speak to him again and after claiming cms he then told them he wasn’t the father. Two months later he eventually attended a dna test and was forced to pay.

When dd was 6 months he got in touch saying he wanted to see her but then whenever I suggested a date he would go quiet. Eventually he saw her at age 1 and then has seen her since (age 3). Since she was around age 2 he’s tried to get back together. Hes apologised profusely for his behaviour and said he wasn’t ready to be a father and he handled it terribly. He was 40 at the time and while the baby was unplanned at first he was enthusiastic and came to scans etc.

DD adores him and they have a lovely bond now and even though I’ve resisted reuniting with him he will often get upset after seeing her and tell me he misses us and loves us. I’ve asked him not to say these things as it makes me feel confused and I want to move on with life after all the trauma. But part of me does believe he is sorry and he doesn’t deal with emotions well.

Neither of us are dependant on the other financially or anything like that so it’s not a case of him wanting to slip into family life and me provide a home etc.

I know it probably sounds crazy I’m even questioning myself. I sometimes feel I’m letting Dd down by not giving him a chance but then when I think back to what he did I feel sick to my stomach.

@Bearness yes, I agree when I look back that’s the part that hits me in the stomach the hardest. He said he threatened that because my friend had contacted him (I didn’t know this), to ask him to speak to me. Apparently that felt too much and a step too far.

@ChiliFiend sorry I meant to explain that he wasn’t prepared to be a dad and he said he was overwhelmed and it took him by surprise. Early on there was some suggestion I had stopped taking the pill (I hadn’t) and anyway we used condoms. Then he had a couple of months of being positive about it but around month 5 disappeared

Sounds like the type of person who would soon split up with you then go for full custody. Never in a million years should you get back with him.

Great if he’s finally being a good dad. But he will never be a great partner.

@PrincessFairyWren thank you, I am going to sort counselling. It was difficult when dd was younger but I could probably do it now.

It's very easy to be a "great" dad to a toddler you only see a couple of times a week max. Seriously, very very easy.

He gets all the good bits and none of the hard ones.

He left when things got a bit harder. Likelihood is he will leave again. Don't do that to your DD or to yourself. Keep him at arms length.

He will do it again. Dont put your child through it.

So that’s his current explanation for the restraining order threat at this point, that he thought it was a step too far? Not just an unmitigated apology for his inexcusable behaviour but a kind of justification for his attitude at the time?

Let him be a good Dad (one that conveniently skipped out of the hardest slog but we’ll leave that aside). If you get together and move him in, the next time he gets cold feet on his life and skips out it’s not just going to be you devastated. I think for your daughter’s sake alone you actually can’t afford to take that risk.

He wasn't there for you when you needed him most and avoided the hard grind of the early years. You deserve better

Do what’s best for you and DD, OP 💐I agree with those who say he was 40 years old and has clearly shown you who he is - protect yourself 💞

He sounds like a Disney dad who avoided the hard work and now wants the fun bit. Proper dads help with the hard bits too.

What a fucking asshole.

Don't forgive him OP. He is a waste of space. Loads of men are taken aback by an unplanned pregnancy but don't leave their partners and threaten them with a restraining order.

It's all words now, if you got back with him and then times get tough for whatever reason there is nothing from his previous behaviour to suggest he will stick around.

It's very easy for him to seem like a great dad when they see a child once or twice a week. Less so when it's 24/7- good dads are there for the hard bits too. The cooking meals day in day out, juggling the kids with housework/work, looking after them when they are poorly.

He was 40 years old when he treated you that way- he should have been far more mature to deal with this is a different way. You need to remember your worth OP. You haven't failed your daughter but not giving him another chance, he failed your daughter when he walked out on you during pregnancy and missed the first year of her life.

None of that is ‘context’ enough to explain what he did, lots of things happen in life that we’re not ready for and take us by surprise. I imagine the pregnancy was a surprise to you too, but you didn’t get to bail.

He was hateful to you, and he abandoned his daughter, denied her by saying she wasn’t his and tried to get out of paying for her. If he’s sorry and regrets it now he needs to channel all his energy into being the best dad he can for her (the best non resident dad who doesn’t do any of the hard stuff that is!) not trying to emotionally blackmail you.

Tell him you’re not interested in reconciling, you can’t ever trust him and that your only concern is what’s best for your daughter and that if he wants to make up for his part, horrendous, actions then he needs to do the same and focus on being the best he can for her.

Buying flowers is very easy. What about being there for the birth and afterwards, getting up in the night with a baby, changing nappies, mopping up sick, potty training, caring for them when they or you are sick, stopping them hurting themselves? He's avoided all that by suddenly getting interested at age 3 and being a Disney Dad.

1 Get a decent therapist.

2 Get a parenting app and say ALL contact needs to go through it.

3 Tell him to stop with flowers and nonsense about getting back together.

have you ever actually told him how awful it was? If not you should next tike he starts. Send your dd in and put on some peppa pig or octobauts....

Note BTW he left you not for a few weeks (which would be diabolic and unforgivable) but TWO YEARS?!?!?! He didnt do all he could he did what suited him.

You should probably explain clearly he did the worst thing anyone has ever done to you, explain the pain and confusion you felt at the most difficult time of your life. Ask him if someone had done that to him, abandoned him with a newborn, denied they had any responsibility, threatened police and legal action while they were heavily pregnant and vulnerable, would he wanted to go for a date because she showed up with a £15 generic bunch of flowers and said a cheap "sorry" 2 years later? NO? Exactly....

You can never trust this emotionally flabby, man baby.

He was a solvent able bodied middle aged man who dumped you for TWO years because he found responsibility a bit scary.
You can never ever trust him.

Due to that I wouldnt rely on the CM he gives you (ie do not financially plan for it have it as excess / save as much as you can) also do not assume he will stay in your dds life.
I also note he only bothered to start seeing her regularly once she was presumably potty trained and could talk... ie she was fun, no boring "baby stuff", much easier to look after and there was something in it for him (time spent is way more rewarding)

At this point he has been a shithead for double the amount of her life time hes been a half decent dad.
Even if he hangs around some things cant be fixed.

If you smash a vase into a thousand pieces there are no takie-backsies. It's ruined. Forever.

I'd lay money that if you told him there was no chance at all with you, he'd fuck off on your DD.

This! Be careful OP! very careful.

My parents actually told me my behaviour would have pushed him away when they heard about the threat of restraining order. They said there was no wonder he’d left. No basis for this as they didn’t know our relationship really at all as we lived a couple of hours away and didn’t see them frequently. That was painful to hear and since then they’ve bought him gifts for his birthday etc to pass on to him! They say it’s to encourage him in DD’s life. I don’t pass anything on. I bin it as their lack of loyalty makes me feel broken. They do acknowledge his behaviour was shit though.

Those mentioning that he wouldn’t be around properly for illness , I guess sometimes I think that’s better than having nobody there as I get older? I realise how sad that sounds as I type it.

When I told him I wanted to focus on a new life with someone I could trust he said ‘oh great so try and have another baby but kids by different fathers, awful’

Tread very carefully, this man has shown you what he is capable of. My advice for what it's worth, is not ever to go back with him. He is lucky you have been gracious enough to allow him to see his daughter, your first priority is her ( I am speaking from experience) Giving your child flowers to give to you strikes me as manipulative. If he is genuinely contrite he should be more than thankful and not push for more. Unplanned pregnancy can be a 'shock' for some men, I get that, but this man took no share of responsibility. Once you have a child with a man you are always connected to some degree or other, so if I were you I would focus on his relationship with your daughter and not muddy the waters and complicate this further by getting back into a relationship with him again. He may genuinely regret what he did, but in this case there would be no going back, too much water under the bridge.

He is using your DD to emotionally manipulate you, good dad's don't do that.

He fucked off when his life was inconvenienced by your baby, good dad's don't do that.

At 40 years old he got his mate to message you to deal with you, good men don't do that.

I thought you were describing a teenage lad, not a middle aged man. Protect your little girl from this fuckwit by not getting any further involved with him. It's only a matter of time before he hurts her, he's already using her to get to you.

You're comparing apples and oranges.

On the one hand, the way he treats you when he's trying to get you into a romantic relationship. On the the other hand, the way he treated you when you were in a romantic relationship.

See the difference?

Also - being "decent" towards you is the absolute minimum behaviour of a civilised person. Expect nothing less from the father of your child, but expect more from a potential partner.

At your time of greatest need he abandoned you in the cruellest way. He is not and will never be a great father he is great at cosplaying one. Do not trust him. If however you'd like your DD to have a sibling then personally I'd cosplay the forgiving ex long enough to get pregnant.

That’s awful that your parents don’t support you - sometimes for that generation it’s difficult for them to understand why you wouldn’t just sweep it all under the rug and plough on even if you’re miserable because there’s very much a mentality in favour of keeping families together at all costs.

But the reality is you absolutely smashed this parenting thing all on your own and should be very proud of yourself. You’re a strong woman and need to set the example for your daughter that your parents aren’t setting for you - that her self worth is paramount!

If a man left your DD when she was 5 months pregnant, threatened a restraining order because her friends were trying to open a line of communication, saw the baby twice in the first 3 years and then decided to be a better dad once the really hard bit (baby and toddler phase) was over - what would you tell her if she was considering getting back together with that man?

Jesus!!! Your parents 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫gl
Girl - get in therapy....

I cannotnimagine a world where if my darling girl was abandoned while pregnant is wpuld indirectly tell her its her own fault for being "too"