Shocked by DP arranging for a woman to join us in the bedroom

[Aprilsun2]

I’ve changed my name for obvious reasons.

I have officially lost it with DP. We have been together for a few years, and he has always made it clear his ‘fantasy’ is to involve another woman in the bedroom. I’ve always said it’s not my thing, which he says he respects and that’s why it is just a fantasy.

On Saturday we were out, fairly drunk and he brought this up again. I laughed and said ‘never say never’ - very much jokingly.

Fast forward to yesterday. We were having dinner and he said ‘remember on Saturday you said you’d be open to introducing someone else. Well I have a proposition’. I firstly said I didn’t recall saying that, and secondly asked what on earth did he mean.

Basically, he explained he had ‘found’ someone who’d be willing to join us. This is someone online with a few hundred reviews on a website and photos of her wearing next to nothing. He said it would be at his expense.

I was speechless initially then I hit the roof, I told him how dare he go behind my back and think something like this would be appropriate.

He meekly apologised, but said he took my answer at the weekend to be a positive one and got carried away.

Am I wrong to be completely astounded at his actions?

This.
I couldn’t let him stay.

He's already told the Op he'd do a threeway with a man, he likely thinks that would mean Op would then agree to sex with another woman. Men like this won't give up on their fantasy, he'll just keep chipping away trying to make her give in until the Op gets the Ick big time.

Grim. What’s grim loser. If he wanted threesomes he should’ve got it out of his system before entering into a monogamous relationship or enter a poly relationship. He needs to let it go or decide if this is for him. But he is clearly hung up on the idea

Why did you say "never say never" in jest if its "not your thing"?
But yes hes a CF for taking that to mean he can book it for you.
Its all vile and repugnant and will lead to hell.
Tell him in no jokey uncertain terms: Don't ever mention a third party in our relationship again or we are done.

Its bad enough that he went ahead and done this but I'm concerned by how often he seems to keep bringing it up despite you saying no multiple times. That's a problem in itself.

You joking 'never say never' isn't remotely the problem so I wish people would fuck off with that.

Why is he speaking about prostitutes to his work colleagues? Why is he speaking about your sex life to a colleague?

This has wrong written all over it. Sorry i would dump him.

I cannot believe the misogyny of this and other posts. She has SAID NO. Her no wasn’t accepted. He continued to ask and ask and ask and each time was told no. How anyone can hear that a woman has said NO and been repeatedly ignored and asked again and again and think it’s the woman who is at fault just blows my mind.

This man thinks he can buy one woman’s consent to sex and pester another into providing it.

Lift your standards off the fucking floor.

Tell him you were saying "never say never" to the involvement of another man. Then sit back & enjoy his reaction.

But that doesn’t mean he should line up a sex worker to join them without any further discussion. At most it should have led to a conversation that started with the words, ‘Remember on Friday when you said ‘never say never? Does that mean it’s a possibility?’’ Not, ‘Shagella from SexySurbitons is joining us in the bedroom on Friday for a naked romp. Here’s a photo. Bob from accounts said she was great in the sack’.

This. How in the name of fuck is this all becoming her fault for a throwaway comment? She had already said no, multiple times.

So he knew your boundaries and nagged and wheedled and manipulated you to get you to not-say-no (drunkenly, which is another non-consensual area)... With a sex worker he doesn't even have to go to that effort, just buy her 'consent' with cash...

Women's consent is just an unimportant impediment to his wishes, isn't it? 🤢

Why on earth are people trying to lay blame on OP for this seedy little man's actions ?

No normal person thinks a jokey, drunk 'never say never' means 'go and immediately recruit a sex worker'

OP it sounds as if you don't actually get that much time together, but when you are together he wants to use that time to coerce you into fulfilling his sexual fantasy. You shouldn't have to say NO to something more than once in a respectful relationship. No does not mean 'keep badgering me until I give in'

I'm male, open minded and sat here stunned, open mouthed.

What the actual...I'd kick his arse so far down the road his great grandfather would feel it.

Get shot simply because he knew exactly where to get a prostitute to do it.

Grim grim and lower than grim

Yea that was the website. I’ve just looked and remember the colour scheme when he was showing me.

You’ll have to elaborate. The only ATM I am familiar with is the one where I withdraw cash!

I mean we don’t live with each other full time but he is generous and thoughtful with presents usually. He gained a lot financially from ex’s passing.

It sounded to me that he had been looking at sex worker sites, and found one that was open to a threesome?

Sorry are you actually considering staying with someone who has repeatedly badgered you about threesomes when you’ve said no for ages, who talks to his colleagues about your sex life and about prostitutes, who is morally comfortable with paying for sex from a woman when you can never actually know if they are fully consenting or being coerced, abused or raped, who has openly said he’d like to ‘share’ you by watching you have sex with another man despite you saying no to threesomes multiple times…

If you stay with him, despite not even living together or having shared kids (so not very complicated to end things in the grand scheme) you’re absolutely mad surely?!

YABU for staying with this man and thinking he is your partner. He is a manipulative user.

Given that he was widowed, I think the fact he has potentially previously used sex workers is understandable. He may have needed the company or help to be with someone else and start to 'move on'.

However, what appears to be continually hassling and pushing you into taking part in something sexually that you aren't comfortable or interested in is a big red flag to me. I think the only way past is for you to have a very frank discussion that it is a no go area for you, you aren't interested in it, and if he brings it up again you will need to reconsider if he is someone you can see a future with.

Unless (understandably) you think this is an ick you just can't get past, in which case end it now.

Best of luck!

I never said it did. I said that after all the times saying no, she says something that he thinks means she is weakening and might try it.

I have no idea what the OP needs to consider, he'd be dumped by now if it were me.

He’s obviously been using these sites frequently and recently 🚩🚩🚩🚩

You will never be enough for him. Is he enough for you?

May I just add to the chorus of dump the dickhead.

He's not accepted your "no", has pushed for a sexual experience that you do not want.

He's not a good man. He's not seeing you as an equal partner.

He's not worth your time

He’s openly admitting his desire to have sex with another woman. Just because he’s framing it as a threesome and a “fantasy” doesn’t make it any more acceptable. This is something you’ve already dismissed and he keeps bringing it up. I’d be furious too.