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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Shocked by DP arranging for a woman to join us in the bedroom

274 replies

Aprilsun2 · 30/04/2026 20:16

I’ve changed my name for obvious reasons.

I have officially lost it with DP. We have been together for a few years, and he has always made it clear his ‘fantasy’ is to involve another woman in the bedroom. I’ve always said it’s not my thing, which he says he respects and that’s why it is just a fantasy.

On Saturday we were out, fairly drunk and he brought this up again. I laughed and said ‘never say never’ - very much jokingly.

Fast forward to yesterday. We were having dinner and he said ‘remember on Saturday you said you’d be open to introducing someone else. Well I have a proposition’. I firstly said I didn’t recall saying that, and secondly asked what on earth did he mean.

Basically, he explained he had ‘found’ someone who’d be willing to join us. This is someone online with a few hundred reviews on a website and photos of her wearing next to nothing. He said it would be at his expense.

I was speechless initially then I hit the roof, I told him how dare he go behind my back and think something like this would be appropriate.

He meekly apologised, but said he took my answer at the weekend to be a positive one and got carried away.

Am I wrong to be completely astounded at his actions?

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 30/04/2026 20:34

I'm afraid that saying "never say never" after saying "no" repeatedly suggests that you'd been reflecting on it and found yourself more open to the idea after all.

Credittocress · 30/04/2026 20:35

He wants to use a prostitute and you should be grateful because he’s going to pick up the whole bill?

Blueeyedmale · 30/04/2026 20:36

TheFatCatSatOnTheMat · 30/04/2026 20:20

Yuk. Him trawling (probably) a swinging site for this. How grubby.

Yes or even an escort site giving that he says he will cover the cost and she has hundreds of reviews either way it's disgusting of him

Ezzee · 30/04/2026 20:37

You've told him what sounds like repeatedly no and yet he's still banging on, asking and ignoring your no! Totally disrespectful YUCK
I wouldn't have lost it with him I would have fucking lost him for good!

KvotheTheBloodless · 30/04/2026 20:38

How the fuck did he go from 'never say never' to 'let's pay a prostitute to have sex with us'?! He's an absolute idiot and disgusting to boot. I'd really struggle to move past this, the fact that he would use a prostitute at all.

DrWhosJazzyScarf · 30/04/2026 20:39

So, it’s not just ‘someone’ - it’s a sex worker. That’s a very different dynamic for him to go after there. (Just for the record, I’m not anti sex worker - just anti someone introducing this as an unsolicited option!)

I’d really think closely about if I could ever move past this.

TomatoSandwiches · 30/04/2026 20:39

He knew you made that comment under the influence of alcohol, he knew it was still a no but he was trying to use it against you to get what he wanted and when you realise he has always been bringing up the same issue to try and do the same from the start it will be easy for you to leave him.

StormGazing · 30/04/2026 20:40

Is her name Bonnie by any chance ?!
he’s a cheeky fucker taking one pissed off the cuff comment over multiple times of saying no … perhaps you should say we’ll do MMF fist and I’ll watch you do with the other man and then I’ll make a decision

Divebar2021 · 30/04/2026 20:40

Presumably he’d be up for a man to join you too on another occasion ?

Createausername1970 · 30/04/2026 20:41

This isn't going to go away. I think he will be asking again, it's obviously something he wants to do.

Aprilsun2 · 30/04/2026 20:41

DrWhosJazzyScarf · 30/04/2026 20:39

So, it’s not just ‘someone’ - it’s a sex worker. That’s a very different dynamic for him to go after there. (Just for the record, I’m not anti sex worker - just anti someone introducing this as an unsolicited option!)

I’d really think closely about if I could ever move past this.

I challenged him as to why he thought this would be the route to go down and he said he ‘thought if would be preferable to asking one of our single friends’ 😑

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 30/04/2026 20:41

Fucking hell. The disrespect. That would be the end for me. He’s never going to stop going on about it.

Pistachiocake · 30/04/2026 20:41

Knowing he'd been in favour of it before, maybe "never say never" sounded like a positive, if you'd always shut it down. That's not to say I think he's ok, but if you mean no, never, then I would say that.
To me, if he is your husband and you had the normal marriage ceremony where you promise only to be with each other, there shouldn't be a chance of anyone else in the bed. Consenting adults can do what they like, but, like you, I wouldn't ever want to sleep with multiple people, and if I did, I wouldn't have married.

Aprilsun2 · 30/04/2026 20:42

Divebar2021 · 30/04/2026 20:40

Presumably he’d be up for a man to join you too on another occasion ?

Yes he has said in the past he would ‘share’ me. I told him never to use that term again!

OP posts:
TheRealMagic · 30/04/2026 20:42

Realistically, you said 'never say never' because you're just sick of him nagging and badgering about it and wanted to deflect without having to say no, right? This is exactly what he's hoping for - to wear you down over time until you reluctantly, wearily give in. Leave.

PollyBell · 30/04/2026 20:42

HoppityBun · 30/04/2026 20:25

Because she was drunk. Generous of him to say it’s at his expense, though. Makes all the difference

So being drunk is an excuse? Drunk or sober all i would have said to that is dont be so ridiculous its creepy

Aprilsun2 · 30/04/2026 20:43

TheRealMagic · 30/04/2026 20:42

Realistically, you said 'never say never' because you're just sick of him nagging and badgering about it and wanted to deflect without having to say no, right? This is exactly what he's hoping for - to wear you down over time until you reluctantly, wearily give in. Leave.

Yeah pretty much it was just another way of saying no.

OP posts:
Justbloodydoit · 30/04/2026 20:43

Does he watch a lot of porn?

darksideofthetoon · 30/04/2026 20:44

This has got to be a wind up right?

Aprilsun2 · 30/04/2026 20:44

Justbloodydoit · 30/04/2026 20:43

Does he watch a lot of porn?

Not to my knowledge - he always says he’s a bit of a dinosaur with technology.

OP posts:
Aprilsun2 · 30/04/2026 20:44

darksideofthetoon · 30/04/2026 20:44

This has got to be a wind up right?

I wish it was, believe me!

OP posts:
REP22 · 30/04/2026 20:45

Awful. I'm sorry. But you really ought to have said "positively and irrevocably NO", instead of "never say never". "Never say never" suggests that you might be open to persuasion, which is a very short leap from "no" to "yes" in the eyes of a desperate and somewhat sleazy man.

worldshottestmom · 30/04/2026 20:47

This is why I'm never getting into a relationship ever again

UnemployedNotRetired · 30/04/2026 20:48

Disproves the common mumsnet theme that men are never any good at organising things ...

PracticalPolicy · 30/04/2026 20:49

He is willing to pay for sex.

He wants to cheat on you in your actual presence.

He is violating your boundaries.

I'm sure there's more but you have permission to leave him now because he obviously doesn't care about what you want.