Shocked by DP arranging for a woman to join us in the bedroom

[Aprilsun2]

I’ve changed my name for obvious reasons.

I have officially lost it with DP. We have been together for a few years, and he has always made it clear his ‘fantasy’ is to involve another woman in the bedroom. I’ve always said it’s not my thing, which he says he respects and that’s why it is just a fantasy.

On Saturday we were out, fairly drunk and he brought this up again. I laughed and said ‘never say never’ - very much jokingly.

Fast forward to yesterday. We were having dinner and he said ‘remember on Saturday you said you’d be open to introducing someone else. Well I have a proposition’. I firstly said I didn’t recall saying that, and secondly asked what on earth did he mean.

Basically, he explained he had ‘found’ someone who’d be willing to join us. This is someone online with a few hundred reviews on a website and photos of her wearing next to nothing. He said it would be at his expense.

I was speechless initially then I hit the roof, I told him how dare he go behind my back and think something like this would be appropriate.

He meekly apologised, but said he took my answer at the weekend to be a positive one and got carried away.

Am I wrong to be completely astounded at his actions?

This is really grim. I'd end things after this behaviour and you just don't sound well suited

As he's still banging on about this after all this time, there is no way he has left this as just a fantasy.

I would be turning everything in his life over to find out the truth looking at his spending at the barest minimum.

He's awful.
You should not have said 'never say never' and laughing as you said it did not help. It made him think it was OK. A firm 'no' was the appropriate answer.

But it opens the door to the possibility.

I’d dump him. Let’s be honest here, he’s brought it up before so he’s probably been looking at the websites and letching over women for a while. Then as soon as he gets a sniff that you’d be up for it, he chooses someone?? Yeah right, he’s had his eye on her for ages.

That would be an instant see you later 👋 from me.

And in the mind of a desperate, sad little tosser, it means he’s finally worn her down.

Just because it's stated on this woman's profile, doesn't make it true! Yes, it very well might be true but actually he, you or his colleague have no idea! Traffickers don't announce a woman has been trafficked on a profile. In fact I'd have thought they'd make out the woman is the exact opposite!

I wish people wpuld stop berating OP for saying 'never say never'. This was part of his manipulation- he badgers her about it constantly, and then brings it up when they're having a nice, fun, tipsy time so that OP is put in the position of being the buzzkill and ruining the evening. I'd put money on it that he gets sulky about being told no and OP knows and dreads it. So she ends up trying to placate him. It's another reason to leave him - this pattern won't stop - but that OP said it is just his browbeating working, not a stupid decision by her.

I don't want to appear dramatic OP but is he controlling in any other way? I ask because my xDH behaved similarly with me to participate in his fantasy and I eventually gave in. He was controlling in other ways to to the point I eventually got help form a DV charity. They helped me see that him not dropping was in itself is a form if sexual abuse.

Ynbu. I would say that you have organised a man to come round for dinner to see if he’s a good 3rd person fit and that he has a much bigger package then him, so it might take some practice.

200% sounds like he found a prostitute and is passing her off as a swinger or something.

I'm going against the grain here. I think you are being unreasonable to blame him for believing that "never say never" was not a green light to further exploration of the subject.

But for him then to suggest the imminent use of a prostitute, as opposed to a romp including the woman next door, is utterly, utterly gross.

I wouldn’t want a creep like this near my kids, whatever age they were - so he wouldn’t be my partner, end of.

He sounds like a charmer alright. Tell him to hold off for a bit, you’re busy looking for another man to join you too. Need to find the perfect bloke. See how that goes down.

Not sure why but this just makes it all the worse!

imagine the conversations he must have had with this old colleague...if the fact he wants to have a threesome with a sex-worker doesn't slam your legs shut, surely this does. 😬

I'm of the opinion that a woman's sexual fantasies are often things she would never actually want to do, but imagining them tips her over into orgasm. Men's fantasies are things they are gagging to do. A wise woman keeps her fantasies to herself.

Did he go and make a sandwich?

If you love and respect each other, the last thing you’d want to is share each other. 🙄

OP, he is never dropping this. He’s going to chip away at you to make you do this.

leave now. There’s no fixing it.

Points for proactivity I suppose 🤣

'He said it would be at his expense'.

what a gentleman! He’s been researching prostitutes. Bin him.

Erm love… what’s there to consider???

this man is awful and YOU are worth so much better.

where is your bar? Pick it back up off the floor, raise it and bin him.

how have you not got the ick?

Another man who only thinks about his needs and his penis and refuses to respect a woman's clearly stated boundaries.

Just dump him.

I agree. He sounds like someone who thinks a no is a maybe, and a maybe is a yes.

You’ve said no repeatedly and he kept pushing your boundaries. The minute there’s even the vaguest glimpse of possibility he arranges for a sex worker to join you?

Hell no. First, he should have shut up when you said no the first time. It’s fine to ask (though I’d be gutted if my partner asked me) - but once you say no it should be done and dusted. Second, even if you were up for it, what on earth makes him think hiring a sex worker would be the way to go about it, without even checking or asking?

In your shoes I’d be running for his hills. He doesn’t respect you, and he cares more about fulfilling his fantasy than he cares about your feelings. He’s trying to coerce you into sex you don’t want for his own gratification.