Shocked by DP arranging for a woman to join us in the bedroom

[Aprilsun2]

I’ve changed my name for obvious reasons.

I have officially lost it with DP. We have been together for a few years, and he has always made it clear his ‘fantasy’ is to involve another woman in the bedroom. I’ve always said it’s not my thing, which he says he respects and that’s why it is just a fantasy.

On Saturday we were out, fairly drunk and he brought this up again. I laughed and said ‘never say never’ - very much jokingly.

Fast forward to yesterday. We were having dinner and he said ‘remember on Saturday you said you’d be open to introducing someone else. Well I have a proposition’. I firstly said I didn’t recall saying that, and secondly asked what on earth did he mean.

Basically, he explained he had ‘found’ someone who’d be willing to join us. This is someone online with a few hundred reviews on a website and photos of her wearing next to nothing. He said it would be at his expense.

I was speechless initially then I hit the roof, I told him how dare he go behind my back and think something like this would be appropriate.

He meekly apologised, but said he took my answer at the weekend to be a positive one and got carried away.

Am I wrong to be completely astounded at his actions?

Agree 100%. Plus any ambivalence or even expressions of interest shown under the influence of alcohol is void. Perhaps show him the TEA video on consent.

Either way, I’m afraid he sounds like a manipulative creep who you will find sexting women and watching porn who will blame you for not meeting his supposedly natural needs.

Please, please, please… just walk away now. There are lots and lots of nice men out there with a normal, healthy interest in sex who will work with their partners within her boundaries to keep things fresh and exciting.

Being lonely doesn’t override the fact that you can’t actually know whether someone in that situation is fully consenting or a victim of abuse / coercion etc. That’s a pretty huge ethical consideration to just wave away as ‘he needed company’.

Also, calling it ‘help to move on’ is a bit generous. And hugely naive. It’s still participating in an industry where exploitation and trafficking is rife, not forming a mutual, willing connection with someone who actually wants to be there.

And it’s interesting how this logic rarely seems to apply the other way around. You don’t exactly see loads of widowed women turning to sex workers to ‘move on’, do you? Almost like it’s less about grief and more about what gets normalised for men…

And considering we know he that for ages he’s pushed OP on the topic of threesomes rather than accepting her original no and all the subsequent ones, he doesn’t sound like he a massive respect for consent does he?

Sometimes people say things when they are drunk that they wouldn’t say when sober because actually they do want to say it but keep it hidden for whatever reason. Equally they say things that are absolutely in jest. Either way, acting on what OP said without any further clarification, especially given what was said, seems unbelievable, to arrange it and then pretty much say, did you mean it, is not what you want from a partner, by all means ask if it was meant then act on it if the answer was yes or maybe, but this is totally the wrong way to go about things

I would thank my stars that I don't live with him, it makes it so much easier to end the relationship.

He is never going to let his 'fantasy' drop. I would not want to be with a man who really really wants something that I really really don't. Look at what he just did - at the first hint of not-a-complete-refusal, he steams ahead to make all the arrangements. The image in my head is of a vulture, watching and waiting, watching and waiting, ready to swoop in. Bleurgh, just - no.

Yes, its an industry where people are exploited. There are many other industries that people are also exploited, including labouring for men and nail salons. We don't even know that he has even used sex workers before, he may have just considered it. There were a number of posts that assumed he had, and for me given he has been through a lot emotionally, instead of writing him off completely for possibly using or looking into this feels harsh, unless there were signs that he had used unethical sources. Obviously there can be personal red flags if OP is zero tolerance, and absolutely nothing wrong with that. We all have lines. I would just personally have a little more understanding based on what we have been told about his background.

Its also naïve to not understand there are many women who enjoy working in this sector. I have known a couple many years ago, there were certainly no signs of them being exploited against their will. Just students who didn't mind the work for the extra money. I don't know of any friends of mine, male or female that have used sex workers but am also aware it isn't necessarily talked about openly. But I am aware, anecdotally, of many women who have used them. Sometimes as companions more than physically. But it definitely exists for widows, not just widowers and I wouldn't judge a woman anymore than I would judge a man for it. As long it was consensual of course.

Sex work is the oldest profession in the world, its not all about child or vulnerable people being exploited. There are horrible things happening in the world, but not every situation involves worst case scenario. He has involved OP in the discussion, so whilst I completely agree he needs to understand no means no, he hasn't actually forced her to do anything against her will. So it seems it is currently at the inappropriate level, not ignoring consent.

I would be furious with him for not taking the 100 no’s and still persisting with me when I’d had a few drinks. Sleazy man.

I would be breaking up with this guy faster than he arranged another woman. He sounds revolting.

Like someone else said OP you do need to do a STD Screen.

The fact you have yet to dump him just shows how little you value yourself.

No wonder he thought to ask.

What he’s actually said to you is “let’s get a prostitute to play with together”.

He's never going to drop this. He doesn't understand that no means no. He wanted to hire a sex worker into the most intimate part of your relationship.

Why the fuck have you not dumped him already?

I didn’t say he has ignored consent I said he doesn’t respect the concept. Which he doesn’t, as she’s said no to a sex act then had to repeatedly say no as he’s kept pushing for it. Thats not respectful of consent, is it?

And I don’t doubt some women enjoy being sex workers. The point is, a man cannot know for sure if she enjoys it or if she has been coerced, abused etc. A man willing to take the chance he’s contributing to rape just because he wants sex is not a decent man in my opinion. I don’t think that’s an especially high bar.

"I will do the three some provide you do my fantasy first of watching a gorgeous bloke shagging you up the arse Don't worry it'll be at my expense and choice, he also needs to be huge."

I think even that's a bit generous. I am pretty certain his actual proposal is 'let's get a prostitute for me to play with, and for me to command you to play with in ways that I find sexy. Very generously, I'll cover the whole bill!'

I hope you told the police.

I wonder how many years he also badgered his late wife with this? Or maybe he finally wore her down into agreeing and that's why he's not giving up with you OP.

I'd be asking him about this.

Given that he's asked you multiple times for 3somes even though you've said no and taken a drunken comment as possible consent and finding a sex worker to be the third, you've got big problems here.

He doesn't care about consent. He's willing to steamroll you and nag you about your no. That's a lack of respect. Using sex workers also shows lack of care about consent.

He's willing to use a sex worker that he was able to find very quickly. He claims she was well recommended by a "colleague". Is his workplace one where talking to coworkers about being with sex workers is ok? I think he's bullshitting you and has used sex workers. Get full STI testing.

He's got a kink. He's asked you multiple times to do this, you've said no. He knows you don't want to do this, but he doesn't care about that. He used a comment made under the influence and ran with that as consent to break your sexual boundary. He will keep pressuring you to participate until you either give in or break up. If you are under the influence, he will push and push. You are sexually incompatible.

I hope you also realize that you can't be under the influence or take sedatives around him. He sounds like someone who could use your being incapacitated to do what he wants. You can't trust him because consent is not something he values.

I don't know why this isn't a deal breaker for you. I get you've been seeing him a few years but that's sunk cost when he's trying to push you into sex acts you don't want to do.

after trying the 3 way, personally one on one is better and in a open style setup

Yes, I was just about to say, I'd be scared to ever take a drink around him again...

Let a thousand flowers bloom, isn't it? No one's saying 'ooh, don't have a threesome' and clutching their pearls... have a bus orgy if you want one... as long as it's done with everyone's wholehearted, uncoerced consent...

I’m shocked he’s asked so many times to be frank. Most people would mention the fantasy once, have it rebuked and realise their partner just isn’t interested so drop it. The fact he’s mentioned it again and again sounds really pushy and coercive in ways. I also can’t believe he’s so desperate to fulfil this he jumped on your drunken joke and booked an escort. What a weirdo.

I’m shocked you think cos he’s generous you’ll stay after he went and got a sex worker for a threesome you have said no to repeatedly.

where is your self esteem?

This is the reality.

He wants you to have sex with a prostitute that a friend of his personally recommended.
That is very unpleasant on several different levels all at the same time. He is terrible partner material, he needs to be single, and to grow up several decades before he is going to be fit to be someone’s boyfriend.

OP he sounds sexually coercive. He knows you're not comfortable with this. You've told him clearly before and the 'never say never' when you'd been drinking is not an enthusiastic yes, it's what someone might say when they're starting to be worn down.

He's trying to manipulate you into something you're not comfortable with. He's not respecting your boundaries, he's hoping that if he just keeps pushing you'll give in, while also not giving a shit how that would make you feel. I don't think this is just about you being incomparable, I think this is about him being manipulative and disrespectful as a partner.

I know this is easy for some stranger on the internet to say, but I don't think this is a healthy relationship and certainly not because of your attitude/actions.

She’s not his ex. She is his late partner. It’s not appropriate to call a late partner an ex.

(nothing to do with this thread obviously, and this guy is a creep and a perv).