Shocked by DP arranging for a woman to join us in the bedroom

[Aprilsun2]

I’ve changed my name for obvious reasons.

I have officially lost it with DP. We have been together for a few years, and he has always made it clear his ‘fantasy’ is to involve another woman in the bedroom. I’ve always said it’s not my thing, which he says he respects and that’s why it is just a fantasy.

On Saturday we were out, fairly drunk and he brought this up again. I laughed and said ‘never say never’ - very much jokingly.

Fast forward to yesterday. We were having dinner and he said ‘remember on Saturday you said you’d be open to introducing someone else. Well I have a proposition’. I firstly said I didn’t recall saying that, and secondly asked what on earth did he mean.

Basically, he explained he had ‘found’ someone who’d be willing to join us. This is someone online with a few hundred reviews on a website and photos of her wearing next to nothing. He said it would be at his expense.

I was speechless initially then I hit the roof, I told him how dare he go behind my back and think something like this would be appropriate.

He meekly apologised, but said he took my answer at the weekend to be a positive one and got carried away.

Am I wrong to be completely astounded at his actions?

Repeatedly asking someone to do a sexual act when they've told you previously they're not comfortable doing it is sexual coercion. It's a form of abuse. Consent given after repeated badgering is not true consent, it's often given when someone is exhausted and feels like they can't say no anymore.

Trying to manipulate someone into a sexual act they're not comfortable with is abuse, it is wrong. Just because there's no physical force involved doesn't make it ok. I would call it ignoring consent personally, as he knows she's not really comfortable with it and he doesn't care, he's hoping he can override that.

I’m sorry, @Aprilsun2, but “Never say never” is not the same as saying No - the opposite in fact. It means that there answer might be Yes in the future. I can see why your dp misunderstood what you were saying.

He brought up having a 3some when she was under the influence of alcohol. Her remark should not be taken as consent. It was ambiguous but to take a drunken ambiguous remark as consent for a sex act she had repeatedly refused is him way, way overstepping her sexual boundaries.

Cannot believe all the people criticising your ‘never say never’! Even if you were MAYBE prepared to consider a threesome at some point (say, if the stars aligned and you met the right woman) that is not even in the same ballpark as giving your partner the green light to find and pay a sex worker to join you!

Most people wouldn't have the first clue about how to hire a prostitute. And yet, he has figured this out and found the prostitute for the job, all within a few short days?

Yeah, I'd bet my hat he's been on that website before, and has shagged that woman before too.

And even if he hasn't (< 1%) he's been trawling prostitute sites and speaking with prostitutes and he thinks it's okay to purchase a woman's body. Add to that, the fact that he really really wants to shag other women.....I'd be gone.

I don't think there's any way you can sail into retirement with this dickhead, without him cheating.

A prostitute then? A paid professional 😂come on.

To your last point, he pointed out that her profile states she is independent and he said that she was a ‘personal recommendation from an old colleague’ 😷

Hang on. So, an old colleague is not someone he would have spoken to in the last few days. So, he's spoken about hiring prostitutes with a colleague a few years/months ago, long before you gave him a glimmer of hope with the "never say never" comment. That only points to one thing in my mind. He has used prostitutes in the past, and maybe is still using them now.

Did you probe him on this point?

You think it's an understandable misunderstanding that he went and found a prostitute on the basis of what OP said?

My ex did a similar thing but it was a man he wanted to join us. He even went as far to arrange for this man to come to our house. When I objected he was furious. One of the many reasons he is an ex. I would not tolerate this OP.

OP, do you want him fucking other women including sex workers or your single friends with you there to be a regular feature of your sex life?

He does. And he doesn't really care that you don't. He's going to push and find that little drunken remark or sleeping deeply that he will say is consent and run with it. You will have to constantly be on your guard around him to prevent sexual abuse.

It also could be that part of his kink is humiliating you by banging sex workers with you there.

She's just one bad answer away from getting a dirty sanchez and she has no clue.

I looked up what that was, and now I really, really wish I hadn't. Thank God I'm not eating.

It's not the same as saying no, but it's definitely not the same as, "go and sort us out a prostitute for next week without any further discussion," either.

People just make things up on here for a laugh.

I too looked it up and wondered how people think of this. Obviously I am just naive. Dragon butter is another sexual thing. Trust me, you don't want it on toast or crumpets

Reading MN threads that's usually the first thing on the To Do list for a stag holiday abroad

What a creep!

I have no issues with threesomes or sex workers, but this is absolutely not the way to go about either. And "I'll cover the cost" like he's treating you to a takeaway or something, gross.

Leave him, he won't ever drop it.

If I were you, next time you meet him, check his arsehole for lipstick, if it doesn't match yours you know he's cheating on you.

True, @EBearhug.

I would assume if you're on a stag do, you won't have your female partner with you.

The fact he would use a prostitute would be the end for me. You say you don't think he watches a lot of porn, but he sounds like the typical porn sick man to me, so I wouldn't believe that. "Sharing you" is a gross term. He's going to keep trying to wear you down or catch you when you're drunk again to use that as consent. I wouldn't trust him.

Nothing says LOVE like securing a hooker on recommendation from an old colleague.

Can you ask him if she accepts lunceon vouchers?

Bleurgh this gets worse. He's proposing using money he got from his dead wife dying, probably proceeds from their joint life together, to hire prostitutes (and lets face it, this won't be his first foray). Awful man.

Takes all sorts to make a world! One needs to feel some common ground. This would not be for me ever, and if DO wants to pursue this tell him to find another partner.