Shocked by DP arranging for a woman to join us in the bedroom

[Aprilsun2]

I’ve changed my name for obvious reasons.

I have officially lost it with DP. We have been together for a few years, and he has always made it clear his ‘fantasy’ is to involve another woman in the bedroom. I’ve always said it’s not my thing, which he says he respects and that’s why it is just a fantasy.

On Saturday we were out, fairly drunk and he brought this up again. I laughed and said ‘never say never’ - very much jokingly.

Fast forward to yesterday. We were having dinner and he said ‘remember on Saturday you said you’d be open to introducing someone else. Well I have a proposition’. I firstly said I didn’t recall saying that, and secondly asked what on earth did he mean.

Basically, he explained he had ‘found’ someone who’d be willing to join us. This is someone online with a few hundred reviews on a website and photos of her wearing next to nothing. He said it would be at his expense.

I was speechless initially then I hit the roof, I told him how dare he go behind my back and think something like this would be appropriate.

He meekly apologised, but said he took my answer at the weekend to be a positive one and got carried away.

Am I wrong to be completely astounded at his actions?

You've always said no to his suggestion of bringing another woman into the bedroom. When it got brought up again after a few drinks, and you said 'never say never', he decided that was the glimmer of hope he'd been waiting for and contacted a sex worker.

He most definitely shouldn't have taken what you said as you agreeing to his suggestion. He should have discussed it again before he started looking for someone.

The fact he went straight to looking for a sex worker, to join you both is grim. No sane person is going to ask a single friend if she fancies a threesome. I'm sure there's probably web sites of non-sex workers who regularly partake in this type of stuff.

Going forward....you need to be blunt with your partner. Say 'I am never ever in a million years going to be interested in bringing another person into the bedroom. If this is something you want in reality, then I'm not the right person for you'.

To be honest for me, it's not bringing another person into the bedroom that would upset me, it's the fact he is willing to bring a sex worker into it. She may be entering the agreement by her own free will and be fully consented. What if she isn't though? His desire to fulfill a fantasy, disregarded that fact.

This. Bloody hell it's like he had her on speed dial or something!

This would be a deal breaker for me.

He's not going to let it lie. He's looking at prostitutes and is OK with 'sharing you' with another man! Just vom inducing!

I'd be telling him to fuck off and keep fucking off forever.

Shudder

Eww to 100's of online reviews that means well....... Also You have said no. I would not cope with that and Im very sorry. You saying never say never was probably to his desparate mind all he needed BUT also shows you that is what he is thinking about all the time.

IMO if he managed to find someone that quickly he’s likely been using prostitutes for the duration of your relationship.

For me the relationship would be over the instant someone suggested it never mind felt they could go through with it.

There are some fantasies which wouldn’t even be given headspace as a thought in my relationship, and that is one of them.§

Exactly.

I'd put money on him having used sex workers before, if not presently.

Absolute ick-fest.

@JustSawJohnny my thoughts exactly.
@Aprilsun2 I suggest you get tested for STIs.

I'm concerned for you given that he has ploughed on ahead without gaining your enthusiastic consent. He may well be one of those who gets off on cajoling their partners into sexual acts they do not want to do. Don't get drunk around him again and seriously consider cutting him out of your life. What a grubby little man he is.

For want of a better term, try prostitute

It does mean a potential future yes, though.
Why say it about something that’s a definite no? Stupid thing to do.

To your last point, he pointed out that her profile states she is independent and he said that she was a ‘personal recommendation from an old colleague’ 😷

Jesus, he doesn’t beat around the bush, does he? One sniff of you being open to it and he’s off the starting block quicker than Usain bloody Bolt. What a pathetic, desperate loser he sounds. It would put me right off him, in all honesty.

Hadn't thought of that but yes, it sounds like it's necessary.

Hopefully a visit to a Sexual Health Clinic and the subsequent anxiety of a wait for results might give OP the head wobble she needs to tell this creep to feck right off.

How exactly does that crop up in conversation? It's not like recommending a builder or a decorator! Grim and disgusting. I'm starting to think he could be regular of hers.
I would ditch this guy and not look back.

I’m thinking he’s a rat , chuck him back op

This would be the end of the relationship for me. I simply couldn't hack that he even considered it.
Take care OP

And he'll even pay for the prostitute! What a gent. You are spoiled 🙄

LTB

So I guess he's discussed this arrangement with his old (gross) colleague too then? I guess he was planning on comparing notes afterwards 🤮

Suggest bringing another man into the bedroom and see what he says to that.

He's a creep.

He is trying to remove your boundaries. He isnt a keeper.

have you tried suggesting adding another man instead every time he mentions it?

I would not feel safe or respected around this man.

eeuw, that’s nasty. So sorry to hear of this OP. Not sure there’s any coming back from that one.

So he has also discussed your sex lives with. Coworker. That’s even worse. What a pig he is. That would be enough for me to cut him loose.

He doesn’t respect you OP - ditch him.