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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Shocked by DP arranging for a woman to join us in the bedroom

274 replies

Aprilsun2 · 30/04/2026 20:16

I’ve changed my name for obvious reasons.

I have officially lost it with DP. We have been together for a few years, and he has always made it clear his ‘fantasy’ is to involve another woman in the bedroom. I’ve always said it’s not my thing, which he says he respects and that’s why it is just a fantasy.

On Saturday we were out, fairly drunk and he brought this up again. I laughed and said ‘never say never’ - very much jokingly.

Fast forward to yesterday. We were having dinner and he said ‘remember on Saturday you said you’d be open to introducing someone else. Well I have a proposition’. I firstly said I didn’t recall saying that, and secondly asked what on earth did he mean.

Basically, he explained he had ‘found’ someone who’d be willing to join us. This is someone online with a few hundred reviews on a website and photos of her wearing next to nothing. He said it would be at his expense.

I was speechless initially then I hit the roof, I told him how dare he go behind my back and think something like this would be appropriate.

He meekly apologised, but said he took my answer at the weekend to be a positive one and got carried away.

Am I wrong to be completely astounded at his actions?

OP posts:
Blodyneighbour · 30/04/2026 22:34

A man who can't cherish his woman is not a real man.
There will be men who are like this who will also meet a woman who is the same.
These types of men will usually be thinking of themselves, not you or the other woman, but their own grubby gratification. These men usually have small pensis and will be addicted to porn.
You're usually not loved by these men.

Whettlettuce · 30/04/2026 22:34

This would be the emd for me. This is so beyond anything I could even get over

Abouttoblow · 30/04/2026 22:36

Aprilsun2 · 30/04/2026 20:58

Fortunately I am not seeing him again until next week as he has his kids this weekend. So I have time to consider things.

You're seeing him again? Seriously?

galaxyeasteregg · 30/04/2026 22:39

What I want to say about your DP is against talk guidelines.

DannyDeever · 30/04/2026 22:40

Macaroni46 · 30/04/2026 20:23

It’s a revolting suggestion but why on earth did you say ‘never say never’?

Because it's a funny, flirty thing to say.

What it 100% isn't is an invitation to immediately source a hooker.

No shared kids? Just leave.

Devilsmommy · 30/04/2026 22:43

LittleJustice · 30/04/2026 20:33

I wonder how he'd feel if you told him you've been looking at men to hire on the internet to see if he fances having a threesome with another man and you? And you found one that you quite fancy that you'd like to introduce into the relationship.

I always think it would be interesting to turn the tables on men like this to see if they understand how insulting and degrading the suggestion is.

This was exactly my thinking. Tell him you've found a nice hunky man who's willing to join and see what his reaction is. I'm going to 100% guarantee he'd have a super sulk at that. Some men have got no idea 🙄

Feis123 · 30/04/2026 22:43

I just hope he is your 'partner' of the last 2 or 3 months and you did not waste years of your life on this scum. Throw him out!

DaisyDooley · 30/04/2026 22:44

I’ve got the ick for you.

LTB.

Im so coming back as a lesbian. Or a labrador.

INeedAnotherName · 30/04/2026 22:46

Aprilsun2 · 30/04/2026 22:12

To your last point, he pointed out that her profile states she is independent and he said that she was a ‘personal recommendation from an old colleague’ 😷

So he's talked to at least one man about your sex life but most likely he's talked about you and what you will do in bed with all his friends. How does that make you feel?

I would also be getting a STI test too, I bet he's been road testing one or two sex workers in anticipation.

He's fucking gross OP, how can you not see that?

Happyjoe · 30/04/2026 22:46

He doesn't respect you. He didn't respect your first, second and hundredth refusal to this idea, then jumped on your last comment.

I don't think I could be with someone who didn't respect me. I would also wonder what he was doing behind my back, so trust would be gone too. Sorry OP, what an odd experience for you.

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 30/04/2026 22:46

sprigatito · 30/04/2026 20:23

You’re not compatible. He isn’t going to stop wanting this, he isn’t going to suddenly become someone who respects your boundaries, he isn’t going to morph into a man who wants the same things you want. The sooner you end it, the better.

I do think it was unwise of you to say “never say never” when “never” is precisely how you feel about his proposition - but you certainly didn’t say “yes, go ahead and book a complete stranger to come and have a threesome with us”, and he knew damn well you hadn’t consented. You just allowed a small crack in your boundaries, and he barged straight through it. He’s not a good person.

This ☝🏽 x 100%. Perfectly expressed.

Scout2016 · 30/04/2026 22:47

The steps of disgusting here OP

He asks. You say no. He keeps asking - grim.
You keep saying no. The one time you don't explicitly say no, (out of how many nos?) and within days he has contacted and booked a sex worker. - grimmer
He thinks paying for sex is OK. - cretinous
So OK he and his colleague chat about it and not only does he not tell the perv to sod off, he makes note of his "recommendation." - the levels of what's gone on here are repulsive
And to top it all, he thinks of you as his possession and one he can give permission to "share" - neanderthal

Come on OP. Surely the second or third time he asked you must have suspected you could do so much better than this creep. Get rid.

Besidemyselfwithworry · 30/04/2026 22:47

Macaroni46 · 30/04/2026 20:23

It’s a revolting suggestion but why on earth did you say ‘never say never’?

I was thinking the same!!!!!

Sensiblesal · 30/04/2026 22:49

Whats worse and makes it really icky, is how fast he found a woman who would do it, like he knew where to look & the fact he was basically going to pay a sex worker.

he has no respect for you at all.

man if he had suggested a friend or to look at a dating website but he went 0-180 in Five seconds flat

surely thats the end

Sakura7 · 30/04/2026 22:53

There's nothing to consider here OP, he's a disgusting specimen and you should have booted him long before now. What are you waiting for?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/04/2026 22:56

Awful he’s been trawling the internet for hookers or single women.
why don’t you show him some photos od your sexy colleague and ask him if he’d like the first threesome to be with him!

Breadcat24 · 30/04/2026 23:00

he wanted you to have sex with a prostitute and you just "hit the roof" even worse that she came with a recommendation
Yuck , yuck and on my god yuck
why have you not binned this creep

AWeeCupOfTeaAndAnIndividualFruitTrifle · 30/04/2026 23:09

It's obviously something that's very important to him, so I don't think you should stand in his way in his desire to bring another woman into the bedroom.

After all, YOU will be long gone, won't you?! Careful not to slip over in the slime emanating from him as you run.

ForCosyLion · 30/04/2026 23:11

Oh God. He's not giving up on this one, is he. All your "no"s don't seem to mean much. I dated a swinger once, just casually, and made it clear I had no interest. But it was push, push, push.

I think men who have a bee in their bonnet about a sex act don't fucking shut up about it unless you twist their arm into shutting up. You're going to have to say extremely strongly, brooking no argument and giving zero inches, that you do not want to do this, will never want to do this, and you never, ever want to hear him mention it again. Only then will be stop, and only if he values you above this sex act he's so desperate for.

On his side, he needs to make a decision. It's you or the sex act. He cannot have both.

wishfulthinking25 · 30/04/2026 23:13

Ew gives me the ick for you

FeelingALittleWoozyHere · 30/04/2026 23:18

I would absolutely be ending this OP

ForCosyLion · 30/04/2026 23:19

Aprilsun2 · 30/04/2026 20:42

Yes he has said in the past he would ‘share’ me. I told him never to use that term again!

Oh Christ.

OP, you are not sexually compatible. This is a relationship ender and a deal-breaker. Find someone to be with who's as grossed out as you are by the idea of each of you sleeping with other people, in front of their very eyes. 🤢

When I wrote my first message to you, above, I skimmed some of the details and I thought you were married and in deep. Now I see that he's just a boyfriend and you don't even live together. THANK GOD!

You want totally different things in the sack, and his relentless badgering is showing you very clearly that what he wants is much more important to him than what you want. You are too different. For your own health and happiness, please break up with him. He's the one making it into a massive issue, anyway. Not your fault.

Sexual incompatibility is not surmountable, imo. This one is pretty bad, but even smaller ones can wear on you over the years. It's supposed to be fun, not a mediation table.

ForCosyLion · 30/04/2026 23:23

DaisyDooley · 30/04/2026 22:44

I’ve got the ick for you.

LTB.

Im so coming back as a lesbian. Or a labrador.

Yep, one of those two for me as well.

I'm so fucking mad about how often us women have to bear the weight of their perversions and their insane sex drives. Why can't the government issue them all with their own Fleshlights so they can just leave us all alone. 😡

ThisCraftyHedgehog · 30/04/2026 23:24

Can’t believe the men that have managed to get all the way to marriage on here sometimes

ltb..fast
guys a creep

Sevenwondersofthewoo · 30/04/2026 23:26

So she comes recommended huh yeah he uses sex workers.

when procuring a sex worker for a threesome she’ll want contact with the other person so she knows they actually consent.

but besides that he didn’t make sure the next day if your never say never was an actual yes.

You’ve told him no numerous times Christ if you’re not into it he’d should been dumped the second time he mentioned it.

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