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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Shocked by DP arranging for a woman to join us in the bedroom

274 replies

Aprilsun2 · 30/04/2026 20:16

I’ve changed my name for obvious reasons.

I have officially lost it with DP. We have been together for a few years, and he has always made it clear his ‘fantasy’ is to involve another woman in the bedroom. I’ve always said it’s not my thing, which he says he respects and that’s why it is just a fantasy.

On Saturday we were out, fairly drunk and he brought this up again. I laughed and said ‘never say never’ - very much jokingly.

Fast forward to yesterday. We were having dinner and he said ‘remember on Saturday you said you’d be open to introducing someone else. Well I have a proposition’. I firstly said I didn’t recall saying that, and secondly asked what on earth did he mean.

Basically, he explained he had ‘found’ someone who’d be willing to join us. This is someone online with a few hundred reviews on a website and photos of her wearing next to nothing. He said it would be at his expense.

I was speechless initially then I hit the roof, I told him how dare he go behind my back and think something like this would be appropriate.

He meekly apologised, but said he took my answer at the weekend to be a positive one and got carried away.

Am I wrong to be completely astounded at his actions?

OP posts:
Papyrophile · 30/04/2026 21:08

I think men (in general) are a bit quick to organise situations to indulge their sexual fantasies. That said, 30+ years ago, I willingly engaged in a three way for the experience. Then DH was gutted to realise he was not the attraction. It was very ... awkward

GardenCovent · 30/04/2026 21:09

Awful Op.
i don’t think I could stay with someone who was happy to hire a sex worker.
I would have to say to him why don’t I hire a male prostitute, at my expense, and share you.
See how fun he thinks that would be

Slightyamusedandsilly · 30/04/2026 21:10

He was hoping that you wouldn't remember exactly what you said.

I'd cast him adrift and tell him he is now free to hire two sex workers to bring his fantasy to life. And hope his children never find out their father uses prostitutes.

Wonder why his marriage ended? Scum.

INeedAnotherName · 30/04/2026 21:12

Aprilsun2 · 30/04/2026 20:44

Not to my knowledge - he always says he’s a bit of a dinosaur with technology.

And yet he can research sexworkers...

DinoDoughnut81 · 30/04/2026 21:12

INeedAnotherName · 30/04/2026 21:12

And yet he can research sexworkers...

Exactly!

Youremyannie · 30/04/2026 21:15

Aprilsun2 · 30/04/2026 20:23

I laughed as I said it. In the cold light of day I can understand it doesn’t sound definitive. But I’ve said No enough times for him to understand my stance!

Thats called coercion.

Papyrophile · 30/04/2026 21:16

Adding that sex work never figured in the picture of my sex history. But I did and was an enthusiastic participant.

Aprilsun2 · 30/04/2026 21:16

Slightyamusedandsilly · 30/04/2026 21:10

He was hoping that you wouldn't remember exactly what you said.

I'd cast him adrift and tell him he is now free to hire two sex workers to bring his fantasy to life. And hope his children never find out their father uses prostitutes.

Wonder why his marriage ended? Scum.

He was widowed.

OP posts:
FormerCautiousLurker · 30/04/2026 21:18

Odd how a man can organise a sex worker within a few days for a 3some, but other threads are complaining how they cba to organise a holiday for DW and/or family… funny that. 🙄

VickyEadieofThigh · 30/04/2026 21:19

Aprilsun2 · 30/04/2026 21:16

He was widowed.

Edited

But only has his kids some of the time?

Aprilsun2 · 30/04/2026 21:21

VickyEadieofThigh · 30/04/2026 21:19

But only has his kids some of the time?

He has his kids full time. But their grandparents have them a weekend each every month and every Wednesday night.

OP posts:
Purplewarrior · 30/04/2026 21:25

Just dump him.

ihearyoucalling · 30/04/2026 21:25

Goodness me. I could never look at him the same way again after that. Just vile. At least you know now.

TropicalRain · 30/04/2026 21:25

TheRealMagic · 30/04/2026 20:42

Realistically, you said 'never say never' because you're just sick of him nagging and badgering about it and wanted to deflect without having to say no, right? This is exactly what he's hoping for - to wear you down over time until you reluctantly, wearily give in. Leave.

Was going to say exactly this👆🏽

BlueHydrangea7 · 30/04/2026 21:26

This would not make me comfortable. There's a good chance he will go ahead and hire a prostitute in the future and you just wouldn't know. He wants to shag other women and one partner is not enough. I don't think there is anything you can do OP to change him and although it's so hard to walk away from someone you love, that would be the lesser of the options.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 30/04/2026 21:27

A friend of mine dumped her long term partner the first time he made such a suggestion.

What are you waiting for?

Papyrophile · 30/04/2026 21:27

As I am now 70, and have been married (happily) for 35 years, please let me say that health crises can crash all the cheer. I adore my DH, as the cleverest, funniest man ever, but at 70 his declining health is starting to take a lot of time.

I still do the work, because I still love the man.

cupfinalchaos · 30/04/2026 21:31

Ohthatsabitshit · 30/04/2026 20:21

”at his expense”. Good grief. Tell him to leave.

Yes.. maybe he wanted you to contribute!!

Grabity · 30/04/2026 21:31

It sounds like this is something very significant for him, and more than a fantasy. Maybe a core kink?

It was better when kink was underground and secret and kinky folk understood the importance of leaving non kinky folk well out of it.

There other thing is that kinky people recognised that they were kinky - not just adventurous, or open minded, or curious.

There’s a fundamental incompatibility at play here. Either he never gets to experience this desire that looms so large, or your boundaries get worn down.

MidnightMeltdown · 30/04/2026 21:31

The threesome thing is bad enough, but he wanted to hire a prostitute?! Grim! 🤢

ihateyousarahm · 30/04/2026 21:33

Vomit. Unfortunatly he will be seakjng out that women 1on1.

EarthSight · 30/04/2026 21:37

Oh my God...so at the slightest green light he went ahead and found a prostitute?? Not even a discussion??

SometimesThingsHappen · 30/04/2026 21:38

LittleJustice · 30/04/2026 20:33

I wonder how he'd feel if you told him you've been looking at men to hire on the internet to see if he fances having a threesome with another man and you? And you found one that you quite fancy that you'd like to introduce into the relationship.

I always think it would be interesting to turn the tables on men like this to see if they understand how insulting and degrading the suggestion is.

Exactly this!

Just tell him when you said "never say never" , you meant a threesome with another man! Watch his attitude change then. I'd bet his response would be "That's disgusting, I'm not gay." Then tell him it's ok, you'll arrange it and pay for it as it's really for your pleasure not his, because let's be honest that's what this is.

Silverbirchleaf · 30/04/2026 21:38

So he doesn’t time looking up other women. Thats a red flag in it self.

Hes not going to drop this fantasy. I’d end the relationship.

TeaPot496 · 30/04/2026 21:39

You're going to see him again? Knowing that for years he's clearly been wanking himself into oblivion over the thought of something you detest the idea of? And that he sees women as lumps of meat to share around? And this prince thought he was doing you a favour by not asking you to pay?!

And you're going to see this prostitute-user again and haven't decided what to do?!

Wake up!